LaffGaff Archives

My neighbor knocked on my door at 2:30 AM this morning and asked “Do you know what time it is?”

Can you believe that, 2:30 AM?!

Luckily for him I was still up playing my bagpipes.

I watched a documentary on how ships are held together.

Riveting!

I saw an advert that read: “Television for sale, $1, volume stuck on full.”

I thought to myself, “I can’t turn that down”.

My granddad always used to say to me that the best part of fighting is the make-up sex.

Which probably explains his short-lived career as a boxer.

I had a dream last night where I was driving with one hand and flipping pancakes with the other.

I was tossing and turning all night.

People say I’m condescending…

That means I talk down to people.

I was attacked by a gang of mime artists yesterday.

They did unspeakable things to me.

My ex-wife was deaf and she left me for a deaf friend of hers.

To be honest, I should have seen the signs.

My friend’s bakery caught fire and burned to the ground last night.

Now his business is toast.

One of my mates told me that I often make people uncomfortable by violating their personal space.

Which was an incredibly unnecessary and hurtful thing to say.

It ruined our bath.

What do a midget and a dwarf have in common?

Very little.

I saw six men kicking and punching the mother-in-law.

My neighbor said, “Are you going to help?”

I said, “No, six should be enough.”

My dyslexic son came last in the school pottery contest.

He wrote a poem.

My doctor reckons I’m paranoid.

He hasn’t said so, but I know that he’s thinking it.

I was at a party the other day when I lost my watch.

A bit later I saw a guy standing on it while sexually harassing a girl.

I walked up to the guy and punched him in the face.

No one does that to a girl… not on my watch.

Today I got in touch with my inner self.

That’s the last time I buy cheap toilet paper.

I’ve started carrying a knife since an attempted mugging a few years ago.

Since then my mugging attempts have been a lot more successful.

A guy goes to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I keep having these alternating, recurring dreams. First I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam; then I’m a teepee; then I’m a wigwam. It’s driving me crazy. What’s wrong with me?”

The doctor replies: “It’s very simple. You’re two tents.”

I asked my grandmother for “something Cuban” for my birthday, and she got me a Che Guevara shirt.

Clothes, but no cigar.

I got an e-mail saying ‘At Google Earth we can read maps backwards!’

I thought, “That’s just spam.”

I asked the hotel receptionist for a wake-up call.

She rang my room and said, “What the hell are you doing with your life?”

I hate jokes that rely on visual imagery.

I’ve had it right up to here with them.

I used to own a racing snail.

I thought taking it’s shell off would make it faster but it only made it more sluggish.

Today this guy at work asked me for a cigarette lighter.

I said, “Of course, give me your packet.”

He handed over his packet of cigarettes and I took one out and gave it him back saying, “There you go.”

“What’s that?” he said all confused.

I said, “It’s a cigarette lighter.”

I’ve just been diagnosed with a tumor.

I was scared and horrified at first, but it’s starting to grow on me.

I walked down a street today where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.

That was a trip down memory lane.

My sister turned off the TV on me whilst I was watching it today.

After a few moments of staring at the blank screen, I thought to myself, “That’s not on”.

I was walking through the park last night and one guy threw sodium chloride on me and another covered me in sulphuric acid.

It was terrible. I didn’t know how to react.

My mate dug a hole in the garden and filled it with water.

I think he meant well.

The inventor of throat lozenges has died.

There’ll be no coffin at his funeral.

“Always be yourself”, my Dad always said to me.

He was a great guy.

Rubbish actor though.

I was walking along the street yesterday when I slipped in some dog poop.

A minute later this big guy did the same thing. I said to him, “I just did that.”

He punched me in the face.

When I see lover’s names engraved on a tree, I don’t find it cute or romantic…

I find it weird how many people take knives with them on dates.

Someone called me pretentious the other day.

I nearly choked on my latte.

I saw a UFO yesterday…

So I quickly grabbed the worst camera I own to film it with.

I just wrote a book on reverse psychology…

Don’t buy it!

Charles Dickens walks into a bar and orders a martini.

The bartender ask, “Olive or twist?”

My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the market.

I went and looked around and couldn’t find any.

So I grabbed an old, tired looking employee and said, “These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?”

The produce guy looked at me and said, “No. You’ll have to do that yourself.”

Nurse: “Doctor, there’s an invisible man in the waiting room.”

Doctor: “Tell him I can’t see him.”

It’s always hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they’re always taking things, literally.

I borrowed a book about Stockholm Syndrome from the library.

It was pretty bad at first, but by the end I kinda liked it.

My grandpa started walking five miles a day when he was 60.

Now he’s 97 years old and we have no idea where the heck he is.

My fear of moving stairs is escalating.

A penguin walks into a bar, goes to the counter and says to the barman, “Have you seen my brother?”

The barman says, “I don’t know. What does he look like?”

A naturist cosmetic surgeon recently moved in to my sleepy little town.

He raised a few eyebrows.

The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.

They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly.

I asked a pretty, young, homeless woman if I could take her home, and she said yes with a big smile.

The look on her face soon changed when I walked off with her cardboard box.

The other day my wife asked me, “Could you go to the shop for me on the way home from work and buy one pint of milk and if they have avocados, get 6.”

When I got home with 6 pints of milk she asked me, “Why did you buy 6 pints of milk?”

I replied, “They had avocados.”

I was reading an article last night about fathers and sons and memories came flooding back of the time I took my son out for his first pint.

Got him a Fosters ….. he didn’t like it – I had it.

Then I got him Carlsberg, he didn’t like it so I had it.

It was the same with Guinness and cider.

By the time we got down to the whiskey I could hardly push the pram home.

A man received a text from his neighbor:

“I’m so sorry Bob. I’ve been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I’ve been tapping your wife, day and night, when you’re not around. In fact, more than you. I’m not getting any at home, but that’s no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology with my promise that it won’t happen again.”

The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word, shot his wife and killed her.

A few moments later, a second text came in: “Darn autocorrect. I meant ‘wifi’ not ‘wife’!”