LaffGaff Archives

My girlfriend isn’t talking to me because apparently I ruined her birthday.

I’m not sure how I did that – I didn’t even know it was her birthday.

I went to the inventor of Optrex’s funeral today.

There wasn’t a dry eye in the house.

Yo Mama’s cooking so bad …

The homeless give it back.

I’ve made a website for depressed tennis players.

The servers are currently down.

I’ve just started reading my first ever Braille horror story. I think that something scary is about to happen.

I can feel it.

My blonde girlfriend has three hours of video footage of raw chicken on her iPhone.

The cooking instructions said “Remove sleeve and film.”

As the coffin is being lowered into the ground at a traffic warden’s funeral, a voice from inside screams, “I’m not dead, I’m not dead. Let me out!”

The Vicar smiles, leans forward sucking air through his teeth and mutters…

“Too late pal, I’ve already done the paperwork.”

A blonde woman is having a medical examination at the doctor’s.

The doctor says, “Your heart, lungs, pulse and blood pressure are all fine. Now let’s check the part that gets you ladies into all kinds of trouble…”

The blonde starts taking off her knickers but is interrupted by the doctor…

“No! No! Just stick out your tongue!”

A woman walks into the doctor’s surgery but doesn’t like the way he’s looking at her while she is talking to him.

So when he tells her to undress, she asks him to turn out the lights before she takes off her clothes. After he turns out the lights she asks, “Where should I put my clothes?”

“Just hang them up over here,” he says, “next to mine.”

I’ll never join one of those online dating services.

I prefer to meet someone the good old-fashioned way.

Through alcohol and poor judgement.

My girlfriend has her own taser.

She’s a real stunner.

My mum said to me today that at the age of 45 it was about time I had my own place.

I said to her that since she is 75 I was hoping not to have to wait much longer.

Two reasons why it’s so difficult to solve redneck murders:

1. All the DNA is the same.

2. There are no dental records.

I no longer see my wife and kids and it’s all because of gambling.

I won the lottery and moved to Spain.

A girl walks into a supermarket and picks up a banana, a can of soup, and a loaf of bread. She then goes to the cash register to pay.

The cashier looks at her and the items she has and says, “I can tell you’re single.”

She smiles and says, “How do you know that?”

He says, “Because you’re ugly.”

My wife accused me of being a transvestite.

So I packed her things and left.

I love selling stuff on eBay to people who don’t know me.

I’ve sold the same homing pigeon 24 times now.

A cop arrives at the scene of an accident, in which a car has smashed into a tree. He rushes over to the car and asks the driver, “Are you badly hurt?”

“How do I know?” the driver replies. “I’m not a lawyer.”

As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces of the deceased together.

Because if there was ever a zombie apocalypse, it would be hilarious.

My wife and I were talking about people owning strange animals and she said, “I’ve always wanted to get a manatee.”

I said, “Thank you very much, I’ll have it with milk and two sugars please.”

A man visited his lawyer and said to him, “My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?”

“Do you have any proof he owes you the money?” asked the lawyer.

“No,” said the man.

The lawyer said, “OK, then here’s what you should do. Send him a letter asking him for the $1,000 he owes you.”

“But it’s only $500,’ replied the man.

“Exactly! That’s what he’ll reply and then you’ll have your proof!”

A blonde is on the bus when this guy gets on with both of his front trouser pockets full of golf balls and sits down next to her.

The confused blonde keeps looking at him and his bulging pockets.

He notices her looking and eventually, after many such glances from her, he says, “It’s golf balls.”

Nevertheless, the blonde continues to look at him for a very long time, appearing to think deeply about what he had said.

After several minutes, she can’t contain her curiosity any more and asks:

“Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow?”

Now that it’s been proven that dogs can sniff out cancer, does that mean the end of the cat scan?

What do we want?

More acronyms.

When do we want them?

A.S.A.P.

A guy walks into a bar and orders the finest Scotch.

The bartender pours him the drink and passes it to him saying, “That will be $2, Sir.”

The guy says, “Woah, that’s really cheap. You’re good people; I want to thank your manager. Where is he?”

The bartender replies, “In the hotel room, Sir, with my wife.”

The guy asks, “What’s he doing with your wife?”

“The same thing I’m doing with his business.”

I’ve designed a new website for orphans.

There isn’t a home page.

My wife accused me of being self-important.

I nearly fell off my throne.

I’ve been thinking of writing a mystery novel.

Or have I?

My boss at work said to me today, “Do you believe in the supernatural and life after death?”

“Yes, I think so,” I replied.

He said, “I thought you probably would. Yesterday after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you…”

I entered a palindrome contest today…

I got top spot.

I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high.

She seemed surprised.

I was driving to work this morning when I saw a woman texting and driving.

I was so angry I rolled down my window and threw my beer can at her.

My wife shouted upstairs to me, “Hey, the sun’s just come out.”

I thought great, threw on some shorts and flip flops, grabbed the sun cream and ran down the stairs.

I was rather shocked when I got down to find my son holding hands with his friend Steven.

A maid wanted a raise in salary so she asked the lady of the house, who replied “Give me three good reasons why you should get a raise.”

The maid said, “Ok. One – I can cook better than you.” The lady asked, “Who told you that?” “Your husband” replied the maid.

“Two – I can iron better than you.” “Who told you that?” asked the lady indignantly. “Your husband” replied the maid.

“Ok” said the lady. “What’s the third reason?” The maid said, “Three – I’m better in bed than you.”

This time the lady was furious. “Did my husband tell you that?” she shouted.

“No, the gardener did.”

The lady doubled the maid’s wages instantly.

I was in the hospital visiting a friend today and I couldn’t help overhearing a doctor say to one of the other patients, “I have some bad news, and some really bad news.”

The patient asked, “What’s the bad news?”

The doctor replied, “You only have 24 hours to live.”

The patient said, “Oh my god! And what’s the really bad news?”

The doctor said, “I should have told you yesterday.”

I love to pamper my girlfriend after she’s had a stressful day at work.

I get her to text me when she’s leaving so I can get the hot tap running, swirl around the foam and bubbles and time everything perfectly so that the moment she walks through the door…

the dishes are piled up and waiting for her.

My wife and I bought a water bed recently.

Since then we’ve drifted apart.

My wife asked my to play doctor with her.

She’s now waiting for three hours outside the bedroom.

My wife complains that she will not share the same bed as “me and my smelly bum.”

Well, I don’t like him sleeping on the street.

A bowl of cornflakes walks into a bar.

The barman says, “Get out, we don’t serve breakfast here.”

My wife left me because of my depression.

Which cheered me right up.

My wife was furious with me today.

I put a stick in a non-stick pan.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

Because they lactose.

My wife just told me that in 9 months I’ll have a little surprise!

I can’t wait for Santa to come now… I hope it’s an Xbox.

“I can see you standing in front of a log cabin in the middle of a huge storm, and fir trees are standing behind you,” said the old gypsy woman, staring into her crystal ball.

I said, “I think that’s actually a snow globe you’ve picked up there.”

My Granddad said to me, “Your life revolves too much around technology these days.”

I said, “No, yours does.”

Then I unplugged his life support.

I’ve just had a book published about saving the rainforest and what we as a human race can do about it.

It’s over 2,000 pages long.

My best mate, Dave passed away yesterday so I went to see his wife today.

I said, “Look on the bright side, at least he’s not suffering anymore.”

She said, “He wasn’t ill, he died all of a sudden.”

I said, “I know, I meant being married to you.”

How many children with Attention Deficit Disorder does it take to change a light bulb?

Let’s go ride our bikes!

It was so cold today…

I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.