LaffGaff Archives

My dog only responds to commands spoken in Spanish.

He’s Espanyol.

I got sacked from my job as restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.

Apparently I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.

I’ve just landed a job as an assistant typist, helping with the capital letters.

It’s shift work.

I bought a new iPod the other day and I’ve called it “The Titanic.”

Now when I plug it into my laptop it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”

My girlfriend keeps telling me to act my age, but I don’t know how.

I’ve never been this old before.

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants.

A doctor is at a party where he gets to talking to a lawyer friend. He tells the lawyer how sick he is of his friends always asking him for free medical advice.

The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.”

The doctor says he’ll give this a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

When the doctor gets home, he finds a bill in the mailbox from his lawyer.

A farmer was in the field counting his cows; he counted 196 of them.

But when he rounded them up he had 200.

I was at the Apple store today when it got robbed.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

My boss said he’s going to fire the worker with the worst posture.

I’ve got a hunch it might be me.

My teacher asked me to submit a 1,000 word essay.

I couldn’t be bothered.

So I handed in a picture instead.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, bragging about his highly paid job and his expensive sports car.

Then he showed me a picture of his wife on his phone and said to me, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I replied, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”

He asked, “Why? Is she a stunner?”

I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

Today, my talking dog brought a stick to me and told me he found it five hundred miles away.

That’s a bit far-fetched.

Yo momma so fat…

She jumped in the pool and they found water on Mars.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

I’ve sacked my tennis doubles partner.

I’ve told him his services are no longer required.

I’m addicted to having money in the bank.

I really do suffer from withdrawals.

I threw a boomerang five years ago and it never came back.

Now I live in constant fear.

My Mom learns something new from me every day.

She thinks it’s important to learn from your mistakes.

Hey, thanks for defining the word “many” for me.

It means a lot.

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

It took a bit longer than I thought it would though.

The English language is pretty strange and confusing.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.

Knock, knock.

Who’s there?

It’s the undertaker, sir…. It’s a good job I checked.

A heavily pregnant woman hobbles painfully into the hospital with one hand on her back.

A nurse comes over to her and asks her what’s wrong, but the woman just shouts, “Shouldn’t! Wouldn’t! Didn’t!”

The nurse shakes her head and says, “Sorry, I don’t understand.”

The woman screams, “Can’t! Won’t! Don’t!”

The nurse is really confused and turns to a doctor who says, “Admit her. She’s having contractions.”

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant.

But then I changed my mind.

How many narcissists does it take to change a light bulb?

One. He just has to hold it in place while the world revolves around him.

A young, up-and-coming artist was exhibiting his work for the very first time.

A world famous art critic was there and he came up to the young artist and asked him, “Would you like my opinion on your work?”

“Yes”, replied the artist.

“It’s worthless,” said the critic.

The artist said, “Yes, I know, but tell me anyway.”

I ended a long term relationship today.

I’m not too bothered about it. It wasn’t mine.

I think most of you probably already know about the first rule of Assumption Club.

I hate it when people say you don’t need to drink alcohol to have fun.

You don’t need shoes to run, but it sure does help.

I was in the park yesterday when I saw a tramp having a huge argument with his girlfriend on a bench. He suddenly stood up and poured his bottle of meths over the bench and set it on fire.

“What the heck are you doing?” I yelled at him.

He said, “She can leave me if she wants, but there’s no way she’s getting the house.”

My wife said she’s leaving me because I think I’m a supermarket cashier.

I said, “Would you like any help with your packing?”

I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”

I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”

He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”

I’ve just been fired from my job at Pepsi.

I tested positive for Coke.

If anyone is thinking about buying an autobiography, I don’t want to spoil the ending for you but …

They write a book.

I was at a funeral today and I asked the priest for the wifi password.

“Have some respect for the dead!” he said.

“Ok, is that all lower case with no spaces?” I asked.

Why does Waldo wear stripes?

Because he doesn’t want to be spotted.

This guy offered me a go on his ice rink for $1.

I thought “What a cheap skate.”

Some say a world without sin is ideal, but I disagree.

After all, there’s only so many problems that can be answered with cos and tan.

My girlfriend said to me, “You’re always acting like a detective. I want to split up.”

I said, “Good idea, we can cover more ground that way.”

Thank you student loans, for helping me to get through college.

I don’t think I can ever repay you.

I’m really disappointed with the new Haribo Star Wars sweets collection.

They’re all chewy.

My wife is like a luxury German car.

She emits gases and then denies it.

Moses was the first person to use Control-C as a shortcut.

What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly-dressed man on a bicycle?

Attire.

I’ve been sleeping with this really gorgeous girl who’s a twin.

My friend asked me how I tell them apart.

I said, “That’s easy – her brother has a beard.”

This old guy goes to the doctor to get the results of his tests. The doctor says, “I’m really sorry to have to tell you this but you’ve got terminal cancer and Alzheimer’s.”

The old man says, “That’s not so bad. I could have had cancer!”

I told my psychiatrist I’ve been hearing voices in my head.

She told me I don’t have a psychiatrist.