LaffGaff Archives

Accordion to a recent survey, replacing words in a sentence with the names of musical instruments often goes undetected.

Girl, if I was an enzyme I would be DNA helicase…

So I could unzip those genes.

My grief counsellor died just the other day.

He was so good though, I didn’t care.

My girlfriend left a note on the fridge.

It said, “It’s not working. I can’t take it any more. I’m going to my mom’s.”

I opened the fridge door, the light came on, the beer was cold. What the heck did she mean?

My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m so handsome and too many other girls want me.

She also said something about chronic lying disorder but I wasn’t really listening.

“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully, ” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”

“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband. “I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”

I won a million dollars on the lottery today so I decided to donate a quarter of it to charity.

Now I have $999,999.75.

Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s purse, so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually.

Why is Peter Pan always flying?

Because he Neverlands.

Scientists have grown human vocal chords in a Petri dish.

The results speak for themselves.

Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?

‘Scurvy.

I can totally relate to batteries.

I’m never included in anything either.

What do you call a singing laptop?

A Dell.

What do you call a person without a son?

Per.

I went to a really posh school.

In fact, it was so posh the Gym was called James.

I’ve just burned my Hawaiian pizza.

I should have put it on aloha temperature.

Where do poor meatballs live?

In the spaghetto.

“Wolfgang Mozart!” said Mozart’s friend.

“What?” said Mozart.

And then they were both eaten by a gang of wolves.

I’ve got a friend who’s half Indian.

Ian.

I was chatting to a girl yesterday and I told her I was thinking of running a marathon again.

She was impressed, “You’ve run a marathon before?”

I said, “No, but I’ve thought about it.”

Me and my friends are in a band called “Duvet”.

We’re a cover band.

I just killed a huge spider crawling along the floor with my shoe.

I don’t care how big a spider is, no-one steals my shoe.

My girlfriend just dumped me for talking about video games too much.

What a ridiculous thing to Fallout 4.

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

A guy takes his wife out for the night. They end up at a disco where there’s a guy on the dance floor giving it large – break dancing, moonwalking, back flips, every dance move going.

The wife turns to her husband and says, “See that guy on the dance floor? 25 years ago he proposed to me and I turned him down.”

The husband replies, “It looks like he’s still celebrating.”

My wife told me to take a spider out instead of killing it.

We went and had drinks. Cool guy, wants to be a web designer.

My dog only responds to commands spoken in Spanish.

He’s Espanyol.

I got sacked from my job as restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.

Apparently I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.

I’ve just landed a job as an assistant typist, helping with the capital letters.

It’s shift work.

I bought a new iPod the other day and I’ve called it “The Titanic.”

Now when I plug it into my laptop it says, “The Titanic is syncing.”

My girlfriend keeps telling me to act my age, but I don’t know how.

I’ve never been this old before.

How many ants does it take to rent a house?

Ten ants.

A doctor is at a party where he gets to talking to a lawyer friend. He tells the lawyer how sick he is of his friends always asking him for free medical advice.

The lawyer says, “Just do what I do, and leave a bill in their mailbox.”

The doctor says he’ll give this a try and thanks his lawyer friend.

When the doctor gets home, he finds a bill in the mailbox from his lawyer.

A farmer was in the field counting his cows; he counted 196 of them.

But when he rounded them up he had 200.

I was at the Apple store today when it got robbed.

I guess that makes me an iWitness.

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

I lost my case.

6:30 is the best time on a clock.

Hands down.

My boss said he’s going to fire the worker with the worst posture.

I’ve got a hunch it might be me.

My teacher asked me to submit a 1,000 word essay.

I couldn’t be bothered.

So I handed in a picture instead.

I bumped into an old school friend today. He started showing off, bragging about his highly paid job and his expensive sports car.

Then he showed me a picture of his wife on his phone and said to me, “She’s beautiful, isn’t she?”

I replied, “If you think she’s beautiful, you should see my girlfriend.”

He asked, “Why? Is she a stunner?”

I said, “No, she’s an optician.”

Today, my talking dog brought a stick to me and told me he found it five hundred miles away.

That’s a bit far-fetched.

Yo momma so fat…

She jumped in the pool and they found water on Mars.

I wanted to marry my English teacher when she got out of jail.

But apparently you can’t end a sentence with a proposition.

I’ve sacked my tennis doubles partner.

I’ve told him his services are no longer required.

I’m addicted to having money in the bank.

I really do suffer from withdrawals.

I threw a boomerang five years ago and it never came back.

Now I live in constant fear.

My Mom learns something new from me every day.

She thinks it’s important to learn from your mistakes.

Hey, thanks for defining the word “many” for me.

It means a lot.

I just melted an ice cube by staring at it.

It took a bit longer than I thought it would though.

The English language is pretty strange and confusing.

It can be understood through tough thorough thought though.