LaffGaff Archives

What do you call a teacher who doesn’t fart in public?

A private tooter.

I almost got caught stealing a board game today.

But it was a Risk I was willing to take.

What do you call a sleep-walking nun?

A roamin’ Catholic.

Knock knock.

Who’s there?

Dwayne.

Dwayne who?

Dwayne the bathtub, I’m dwowning.

I once farted in an elevator.

It was wrong on so many levels.

How many geeks does it take to ruin a joke?

You mean nerd, not geek. And you mean riddle, not joke. Proceed.

Donald Trump is going to ban the sale of pre-shredded cheese if he becomes president.

He wants to make America grate again.

My girlfriend threw some Omega 3 capsules at me today.

It’s okay though, I only have super fish oil injuries.

I was on a flight the other day when the air hostess came up to me and said, “Excuse me sir, would you like to have dinner?”

I said, “What are the options?”

She said, “Yes and No.”

My friend has got a butler who only has one arm.

Serves him right.

My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.

So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.

Why was the little ink drop crying?

Because his mother was in the pen and he didn’t know how long the sentence would be.

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

Because if they fell forward, they’d still be in the boat.

What’s a pirate’s least favorite letter?

Dear Sir,

We are writing to you because you have violated copyright …

I bought a dog off a blacksmith today.

As soon as I got it home it made a bolt for the door.

What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

One’s really heavy, the other’s a little lighter.

If the number 666 is considered evil…

Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?

Where did Noah keep his bees?

In the Ark hives.

My wife has a really odd way of starting conversations.

She always begins by saying, “Hey, are you even listening?”

A woman walks into a pharmacy one day and says to the pharmacist, “I’d like a poison that’ll kill my husband but make it look like he died of natural causes.”

The pharmacist says, “Ma’am, not only can I not do that for you, I’m going to have to call the police and report you.”

The woman takes out something out of her pocket and hands it to him. He looks at it and sees that it’s a picture of her husband having sex with the pharmacist’s wife.

The pharmacist says, “Oh, you should have told me you had a prescription.”

What did the black holes say when they collided?

Nothing, they just waved.

How was the Roman Empire cut in half?

With a pair of Caesars.

I was in a bar getting drunk last night, when the bartender shouted out, “Does anyone know CPR?”

I shouted back, “I do. In fact, I know the entire alphabet.”

Everyone in the bar laughed. Except for one guy.

What’s the difference between USA and USB?

One connects to all of your devices and accesses the data. The other is a hardware standard.

Two midgets are sitting around bored one day.

Then one of them pulls out some weed and says, “Do you wanna get medium?”

XBox and PlayStation are having a fight.

Then the cops show up: “Wii U, Wii U, Wii U, Wii U…”

My girlfriend told me she was leaving me because I keep pretending to be a Transformer.

I said, “No, wait! I can change.”

What are the pros and cons of wearing two watches?

On the one hand, you have a watch…

But on the other hand, you have a watch.

Do you remember those yardsticks?

They don’t make them any longer.

What happened when the semicolon broke grammar laws?

It was given two consecutive sentences.

My wife’s cooking is incredible.

With a silent “cr”.

My wife worships me.

She puts burnt offerings in front of me every day.

I built an electric fence around my property yesterday.

My neighbor is dead against it.

I bought my friend an elephant for their room.

They said thank you.

I said, “Don’t mention it.”

I haven’t owned a watch for I don’t know how long.

Nothing is better than studying.

That’s why I do nothing.

I had to take the batteries out of my carbon monoxide detector last night.

The loud beeping was giving me a headache and making me feel sick and dizzy.

Today, I beat a black belt at karate.

My next opponent is a green sock.

I went for a job interview today and the interviewer said to me, “According to your CV, you’re really quick at mental arithmetic.”

I said, “Yes, that’s right.”

He asked me, “Okay, what’s eighteen multiplied by nineteen?”

I replied, “Thirty nine.”

He said, “No, that’s not even close.”

I said, “No, but it was quick.”

I’ve just replaced my shoelaces with earphones.

Now they tie themselves.

Will glass coffins be a success?

Remains to be seen.

I was sad to hear the Head of Latin at my old Catholic school died yesterday.

A mass will be said for him later today.

And amo.

And amat.

I told my friend I saw a man get thrown under a bus today.

He said, “Oh my God – was it moving?”

I said, “Well a few people were crying, but I was fine.”

Why was the archaeologist sad?

Because his career was in ruins.

My friend got jailed for 6 months for pulling 4 people out of a burning building.

Turns out they were firefighters.

I went to the book store earlier to buy a “Where’s Wally?” book.

When I got there I couldn’t find the book anywhere.

Well played, Wally, well played.

What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge?

Killed.

I can cut a piece of wood just by staring at it.

It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes!

What do you call Batman when he leaves church early?

Christian Bale.

The sweater I got for Christmas kept picking up static electricity.

So I took it back to the store and exchanged it for another one free of charge.