LaffGaff Archives

Why can’t Harry Potter tell the difference between his best friend and his cooking pot?

Because they’re both cauldron.

I only believe in 12.5% of the bible.

Which makes me an eighth theist.

I’m giving up alcohol for a month.

Wait, I typed that wrong…

I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.

A snake walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “How did you do that?”

“One man’s trash is another man’s treasure” is a great quote…

But it’s not the best way to tell your kid they’re adopted.

What do you call a sad strawberry?

A blueberry.

Wives are like grenades.

Remove the ring and BOOM, your house is gone!

I asked my girlfriend if she’d like a day of eating ice cream and hanging with her girl friends.

She said yes.

I said, “Good, because I’m breaking up with you.”

A young boy goes to his Dad one day and says, “Dad, did you know in some countries you don’t know who your wife is until you get married?”

The dad replies, “It’s like that everywhere, son.”

There are these three blondes stood on one side of the river one day, wondering how they’re going to get across to the other side.

The first blonde, in desperation, begins to pray, “God please make me smart enough to get across this river.”

God hears this and turns her into a brunette and she swims across the river.

The second blonde then also starts to pray, saying, “Dear God, please make me twice as smart as the last girl so I can get across this river.”

So God turns her into a redhead and she builds a boat and rows across the river.

The third blonde, seeing this, also start to pray. She says, “Dear God, please make me twice as smart as both of those women combined.”

So God turns her into a man and she walks across the bridge.

Why did the short sighted guy fall into the well?

Because he couldn’t see that well.

What’s the difference between a feminist and a gun?

A gun only has one trigger.

The teacher says to her class one day, “Give me a sentence starting with an ‘I’.”

Little Johnny says, “I is …”

The teacher interrupts and says, “Stop! You never put ‘is’ after an ‘I’. You should always put ‘am’ after an ‘I’.”

Little Johnny says, “Okay, I am the ninth letter of the alphabet.”

Why are women and children evacuated first in an emergency?

So the men can think about a solution in silence.

My girlfriend says I’m hopeless at fixing appliances.

Well, she’s in for a shock.

I’m not a big fan of Donald Trump, but I’d never denigrate his supporters.

If you’re a Trump supporter, denigrate means to put down.

An angry feminist said to me today that all men are pigs.

So I told her that women are equal to men.

I have a vegan girlfriend.

Don’t get me wrong, I love her very much. But sometimes I think she just looks at me like a piece of carrot.

Next year I’m going to give up using spreadsheets for 40 days and 40 nights.

It’ll be Excel Lent.

Breasts are like Lego.

They’re for the kid, but dad ends up playing with them.

My girlfriend says she doesn’t trust me.

I guess that’s just one more thing she has in common with my wife.

What do you call a Mexican bodybuilder who’s run out of protein?

No whey Jose.

Words can’t describe how beautiful my girlfriend is.

But numbers can… 2/10.

A little girl says to her mother, “Mommy, I want to be a feminist when I grow up.”

Her Mom says, “Well pick one Sweetie, you can’t do both.”

I went to the Apple store today but while I was in there I couldn’t stop farting.

Everyone got really annoyed.

But it’s not my fault they don’t have Windows.

I won my first cage fight last night.

The parrot didn’t know what hit it.

Circumcisions are painful.

When I got mine right after I was born, I couldn’t walk for nearly a year.

Thanks for explaining the word “many” to me.

It means a lot.

How to fall down the stairs:

Step 1

Step 2

Step 5

Step 9

Step 12

Floor

If your parachute fails to deploy, don’t worry…

You have the rest of your life to fix it.

At my new job I have 500 people under me.

I mow the grass at the cemetery.

Why did the Mexican take Xanax?

For Hispanic attacks.

I’ve decided to quit my job as a personal trainer because I’m too scrawny.

I just gave them my too weak notice.

What do you call an imaginary color?

A pigment of your imagination.

A redneck’s father died in his sleep one night.

In the morning, when the redneck discovered the body he called 911 to come and pick it up.

The 911 operator said she would send someone out right away and asked, “Where do you live?”.

The redneck replied, “At the end of Eucalyptus Drive.”

The operator then asked, “Can you spell that for me, please?

There was a long pause before the redneck finally said, “How ’bout if I drag him over to Oak Street and you pick him up there?”

4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered.

2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.

Why do Native Americans hate snow?

Because it’s white and settles on their land.

Dads are like boomerangs…

I hope.

I went for a minor procedure at the hospital the other day. As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, “I have a joke for you.”

The anaesthetist said, “You’d better be quick!”

I said, “Do you know what the key to comedy is?”

Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later, I asked the nurse to pass the anaesthetist a message: “Timing.”

A priest is baptizing this guy one day.

As he dips him in the water three times, he says “Joe, from now on you will be known as Matthew. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol.”

Later that day the guy goes home and heads straight for the fridge.

He grabs a bottle of beer and dips it in the sink. As he does so, he says “From this day on, you will be known as green tea.”

What do you call a blonde who dyes her hair brunette?

Artificial intelligence.

If Caitlyn Jenner was a superhero, which team would she be on?

The Ex-Men.

Jesus and his disciples walk into a restaurant. Jesus asks for a table for 26. The head waiter says, “But there’s only 13 of you.”

Jesus says, “Yeah, we’re all going to sit on the same side.”

When does a joke become a Dad joke?

When it becomes fully groan.

My friend is a structural engineer.

He’s always complaining about stress at work.

Sixteen Sodium atoms walk into a bar…

Followed by Batman.

Socialist jokes aren’t funny…

Unless everyone gets them.

Great wine is like great jazz.

It confuses me and I’m pretty sure it’s all the same.

A young boy was struggling in school with math.

His parents weren’t religious at all but a friend suggested to them that a Catholic school might be more effective in teaching their son so they decided to move him to a new school.

After the switch, his grades improved dramatically. His parents asked the boy what had helped him so much.

He said, “When I saw the guy nailed to the big plus sign I knew they meant business.”

I’ve started a company selling land mines disguised as prayer mats.

Prophets are going through the roof.