LaffGaff Archives

The word ‘nothing’ is a palindrome. ‘Nothing’ backwards is ‘gnihton’.

Which also means nothing.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl.

It’s seven.

How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

Judas says to Jesus, “Come on Jesus, we’re going to be late for the last supper.”

Jesus says, “Late for the what?”

Judas says, “The supper… We’re going to be late for supper.”

I went for a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “What would you say your greatest weakness is?”

I said, “I think I’d have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.”

I saw two blind men fighting so I shouted, “I’m rooting for the one with the knife.”

Then they both ran away.

I was in a bar last night when the bartender said to me, “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another one?”

I said, “Why would I want two empty glasses?”

I went for a job interview today.

The interviewer asked me, “What’s your biggest weakness?”

I said, “Answering the semantics of a question but ignoring the pragmatics.”

The interviewer asked, “Could you give me an example?”

I said, “Yes, I could.”

What’s the Samsung CEO’s favorite movie?

Total Recall.

Why do guys gain weight after they get married?

Because when they’re single, they come home, see what’s in the fridge and go to bed.

When they’re married, they come home, see what’s in the bed, and go to the fridge.

A Jew was lying on his death bed. He asks his wife if she is there. She says that she is.

He asks his son if he is there. He replies that he is.

He asks if his daughter is there. She replies that she is.

As he finds out everyone is there, he has a heart attack and dies. His last words were, “Why… is no-one… in the shop?”

Why do spies never use capitalization?

Because they like to stay low-key.

I introduced my new girlfriend to my family today.

My kids liked her, but my wife seemed kind of mad.

Did you know that if you drink the fluid from a Magic 8 Ball you can see the future?

Trust me, it’s true. My friend Steve did it and said he was going to die, and then he did.

I know a mathematician who can’t afford lunch.

He’s binomial.

Why does Kylo Ren never get girls?

Because for most of his life he’s Ben Solo.

My wife said she’s leaving me because of my addiction to anti-depressants.

Guess I won’t be needing those any more.

My girlfriend lost all her hair during chemotherapy and she was crying for hours.

I said, “Why are you so upset? It’s just hair. I’m the one who’s got to find a new girlfriend.”

How many feminists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None, but don’t worry, the glass ceiling lets in so much light.

What did Ryan Lochte say after his team-mates told the police what really happened?

“I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you medalling kids.”

“When one door closes, another one opens,” he said.

“That’s all well and good,” I said, “But until you fix it, I’m not buying the car.”

Donald Trump walks into a bar …

And lowers it.

I’m really good at managing my credit card.

My bank keeps sending me letters saying my account is outstanding.

“Am I mentioned in the will?” asked the nephew nervously.

“You sure are,” replied the lawyer. “It says right here… To my niece Susan I bequeath one hundred and fifty thousand dollars, to my cousin Alice seventy five thousand dollars, and to my nephew Paul who was always asking if he was mentioned in the will, I say, ‘Hi Paul’.”

My wife found out I was cheating after she found the letters I was hiding …

She got mad and said she’s never playing Scrabble with me again.

My boss hates it when I shorten his name to Dick.

Mostly because his name is Steve.

I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier.

They asked my why I hadn’t reported it earlier.

I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.”

So then they asked why I was reporting it now.

I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”

My boss pulled up to work in a beautiful new top-of-the-range car today.

I complimented him on it and he said to me, “Well, if you get your head down and work hard, set goals and stay committed to them, be determined and work long hours….

Maybe next year I can get an even better one.”

What’s the difference between Donald Trump and an orange?

An orange has a thick skin.

What’s the only reason that Donald Trump is watching the Olympics?

So he can see how high the Mexicans can pole vault.

What’s heavier – a ton of bricks or a ton of feathers?

A ton of feathers, because you also have to carry the weight of what you did to those poor birds.

If I got 50 cents for every math exam I failed…

I’d have $7.35 now.

Two rabbits were being chased by a pack of wolves one day and the wolves chased them into a thicket where they hid.

After a few minutes, one rabbit turned to the other and said, “Well, do you want to make a run for it or stay here a few days and outnumber them?”

After God had created 24 hours of alternating light and darkness, one of his angels asked him what he was going to do next.

He said, “I think I’m going to call it a day.”

Why did the wizard’s wife have hickeys on her neck?

Because he was a neck-romancer.

I once owned a goldfish that could breakdance on the carpet.

Only for like 20 seconds though.

What did the Indian boy say to his mother as he left for school?

Mumbai!

If men call short women “petite”, what do women call short men?

“Friends”.

I couldn’t find the thingy that peels the potatoes and the carrots, so I asked the kids.

Apparently, she left me two days ago.

A 60 year-old billionaire gets married to a super hot 21 year old girl.

At the party after the ceremony, the billionaire is talking to an old friend who wants to know the secret of how he such a beautiful, young bride.

“It’s easy” the billionaire boasts, “I just lied about my age.”

The friend replies, “Yes, but even for a 45 year-old guy, she is stunning. By the way, what age did you tell her you are?”

With a smile, the billionaire says, “85.”

I went to my doctor today and told him I was having problems with my hearing.

He said, “Can you describe the symptoms?”

I said, “They’re yellow, Homer’s fat, and Marge has blue hair.”

I went for a job interview today and the guy interviewing me told me they were looking for someone responsible.

I said, “In that case, I’m your guy. In my last job, every time something went wrong they said I was responsible.”

Give a man a fish and he’ll eat for a day.

Give a Nigerian a phish and he’ll become a prince.

Who says building a border wall won’t work?

The Chinese built one over 2,000 years ago and they still don’t have any Mexicans.

My wife and I have decided that we don’t want kids.

They’re gonna be upset when we tell them.

A Mom finds some BDSM magazines beneath her son’s bed.

She calls her husband up to the room, shows him, and asks, “What do you think we should do?”

The Dad frowns and says, “Well, I suppose spanking him is out of the question.”

A guy runs into a bar, yelling at the bartender, “Quick, how tall is a penguin?”

The bartender says, “Oh, about 3 feet tall.”

The guy says, “Oh my God! I just ran over a nun!”

What’s a pirate’s favorite letter?

P, because without it they’re irate.

Why won’t ISIS bomb my local Walmart?

Because it’s not a Target.

If you ever feel lonely…

Just dim the lights and watch a couple of horror movies. After a while, you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.