LaffGaff Archives

I stayed in a hotel last week where the towels were so thick….

I could hardly close my suitcase.

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.

That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

I’ve trained my dog to go and fetch me a bottle of wine.

He’s a Bordeaux collie.

I asked my Dad why he decided to buy a boat.

He said “There was a sail.”

A teacher told her young class to ask their parents for a family story with a moral at the end of it, and to return the next day to tell their stories.

In the classroom the next day, Joe gave his example first, “My dad is a farmer and we have chickens. One day we were taking lots of eggs to market in a basket on the front seat of the truck when we hit a big bump in the road; the basket fell off the seat and all the eggs broke. The moral of the story is not to put all your eggs in one basket.”

“Very good,” said the teacher.

Next, Mary said, “We are farmers too. We had twenty eggs waiting to hatch, but when they did we only got ten chicks. The moral of this story is not to count your chickens before they’re hatched.”

“Very good,” said the teacher again, very pleased with the responses so far.

Next it was Dave’s turn to tell his story: “My dad told me this story about my Aunt Karen…. Aunt Karen was a flight engineer in the war and her plane got hit. She had to bail out over enemy territory and all she had was a bottle of whiskey, a machine gun, and a machete.”

“Go on,” said the teacher, intrigued.

“Aunt Karen drank the whiskey on the way down to prepare herself. Then she landed right in the middle of a hundred enemy soldiers. She killed seventy of them with the machine gun until she ran out of bullets. Then she killed twenty more with the machete ’til the blade broke. And then she killed the last ten with her bare hands.”

“Good heavens,” said the horrified teacher, “What did your father say was the moral of that frightening story?”

“Stay away from Aunt Karen when she’s been drinking…”

If you can’t think of a word, say “I forgot the English word for it.”

That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.

When my dad died it was left to me to manage his affairs.

How he kept all those women a secret from my mum I’ll never know.

My wife just left me. She says life revolves around football and she’s sick of it.

I’m quite upset. We were together for 7 seasons.

In a freak accident today, a photographer was killed when a huge lump of cheddar landed on him.

To be fair though, the people who were being photographed did try to warn him.

I have a chicken proof lawn.

It’s impeckable.

What do you call a doctor who specializes in Adam’s apples?

A guyneckologist.

I went to a bookstore and saw a book titled “How to solve 50% of your problems”.

I bought 2.

I hate spelling errors.

You mix up two letters and your whole one liner is urined.

I went to a deli and said, “I’d like to buy a bagel with cream cheese.”

The kid behind the counter said, “Sorry we only take cash or credit cards.”

My professor told me that I’m failing my ethics class.

So I slid 20 dollars across the table and said, “What about now…?”

A Polish guy goes into an opticians for an eye test.

The optician holds up a card with CZWJNYSACZ on it and asks him can he read that?

The Pole says, “Read it? He’s my best friend.”

Where does a mansplainer get his water?

From a well, actually.

My wife stormed into the bar last night as me and the boys were downing shots of tequila.

“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.

“No, I’m not,” I laughed.

She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”

Lion: You’re late. We said meet at sunset.

Giraffe: I can still see the sun, you midget.

I said to my therapist, “I’m getting a gun because of my fear of birds.”

She replied, “I think you might be getting carried away.”

I shouted, “Not without a fight, I’m not!”

When you live alone, the only thing that wakes you up faster than a cold toilet seat…

Is a warm toilet seat.

My wife said to me, “We just ate, why are you making pancakes?”

I said, “They’re for the dogs.”

She asked, “Why are you making pancakes for the dogs?”

I said, “They don’t know how.”

Someone removed the 5th month from all my calendars.

I’m really dismayed.

My girlfriend broke up with me for being too “un-American”.

I saw it coming from a kilometre away.

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”