LaffGaff Archives

You have to be very precise when identifying fungi.

There’s not mushroom for error.

Buy wind chimes.

It’s a pretty sound investment.

My son likes to cause a scene by going up to his loft and playing the bongos very loudly.

It’s a little drum attic.

My kid called me an old man this morning.

We both laughed and laughed.

Then I changed the WiFi password.

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

My budget plan went out the window last month.

It made a great paper airplane.

It is known that there are five Great Lakes in North America.

But one is truly Superior.

I managed to resuscitate a clown the other day.

He’s now on laugh support.

“May you live as long as you want and not want as long as you live” is an Irish toast.

“Bread, cinnamon, eggs and maple syrup” is a French toast.

I told my wife our next door neighbor died.

She said, “Who? Ray?”

I told her it was way too early to celebrate like that.

My wife asked me to take her to one of those restaurants where they prepare the food right in front of you.

So I took her to Subway and that’s how the fight began.

What do you call an attractive monster?

Pretty scary.

I didn’t like working at the steel plant.

It smelt.

I hired a landscape gardener the other day.

But then he came to me and told me that he couldn’t do the work, because my garden is portrait.

I just accidentally put my donor card into the ATM machine.

It cost me an arm and a leg.

Did you know Thing from the Addams Family didn’t start his career as an actor?

He got his start as a stagehand.

Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

I asked the librarian if they had any books on the Titanic.

She said, “Yes, quite a few!”

I replied, “That’s too bad. They’re all ruined by now.”

My wife thinks I’m a trophy husband.

Participation trophy, but still.

What would happen if you torpedoed a Finnish man’s boat?

Helsinki.

I was worried that I hurt my brain…

Until I realized it was all in my head.

I saw my wife using her phone to record herself getting her hair styled.

I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.

At the airport, my friend suggested we disguise ourselves as luggage.

I said. “Let’s not get carried away.”

I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe.

I said to the assistant, “It’s too tight”.

She said, “Try it with the tongue out”.

I said, “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight”.

Not to brag, but I just got hired as a fitness model.

They used me as the “before” picture.