LaffGaff Archives

“I have a split personality” ….

Said Tom, being frank.

A little girl asked her Dad one day, “Dad, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?'”

Her Dad replied, “No honey, some of them begin with ‘If I’m elected.'”

I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”.

He’s a small arms dealer.

An atom lost an electron.

It said, “Man, I really ought to keep an ion them.”

I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

When I complained about doing homework, my Dad said to me, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.”

I said, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.”

You can tell Monopoly is an old game.

Because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree.

After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”

It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.

She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

You can say what you like about Donald Trump …

But he’s doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.

My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved.

Thank God it came back negative.

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite nation?

Discrimination.

I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it.

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do statistics, I’ll even do trigonometry …

But graphing is where I draw the line.

My Muslim co-worker brought a CD copy of the Quran into work today.

He got really annoyed when I asked if I could burn a copy.

I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.

I turned 18 today, and to celebrate I bought a locket and put my own picture in it.

I guess I really am independent.

I got voted “Least Likely To Succeed” by my high school class.

I hate being a teacher.

A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.

He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.

My girlfriend accused me of cheating.

I told her she was starting to sound like my wife.

As a child, I was obsessed with the difference between sine and cosine.

As I got older, I realized it was just a phase.

If pronouncing my ‘B’s as ‘V’s makes me sound Russian …

Then soviet.

My chemistry teacher told me I had to write a 1,000 word essay on acid.

Unfortunately, my pen turned into a gorilla and the floor melted.

I went for a job interview today. The interviewer said, “If you get the job, forget everything you learned in college. You won’t need it working here.”

I said, “I didn’t go to college.”

She said, “Well then, you’re under-qualified to work here.”

My parents just told me they’d love another child.

I said, “I’d love a little brother or sister!”

They said, “That’s not what we meant.”

To the guy that found my empty wallet …

I don’t know how to repay you.

Apparently I snore so loudly that …

I scare all the passengers in the car I’m driving.

This Fibonacci joke …

Is as bad as the last two you heard combined.

My girlfriend just admitted that she used to be a Christian, so I broke up with her.

It might seem judgemental, but I’ve only known her since she was Christine.

I learned my lesson about speeding today, and I’ll definitely make sure it never happens again.

I didn’t get pulled over or anything, I got to work 20 minutes early.

Why couldn’t the chemist laugh at the Queen’s fart?

Because noble gases are non-reactive.

Why is it best to teach physics on the edge of a cliff?

Because that’s where students have the most potential.

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

What do you call a hippo without a butt?

A hippo-bottomless.

My aunt’s star sign was cancer, so it’s pretty ironic how she died …

She was eaten by a giant crab.

How many introverts does it take to change a light bulb?

Why does it have to be a group activity?

Someone told me my clothes were gay today.

I said, “Yeah, they’ve just come out of the closet.”

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

I’ve just realised why Spain is so good at soccer…

No-one expects the Spanish in position.

The word ‘nothing’ is a palindrome. ‘Nothing’ backwards is ‘gnihton’.

Which also means nothing.

I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl.

It’s seven.

How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

Judas says to Jesus, “Come on Jesus, we’re going to be late for the last supper.”

Jesus says, “Late for the what?”

Judas says, “The supper… We’re going to be late for supper.”

I went for a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “What would you say your greatest weakness is?”

I said, “I think I’d have to say my listening skills are my greatest strength.”

I saw two blind men fighting so I shouted, “I’m rooting for the one with the knife.”

Then they both ran away.