LaffGaff Archives

If a plant is sad, do other plants photosympathise with it?

No they chlorofeel.

I was in a bar the other day when a girl asked me, “What do you do?”

I said, “I race cars.”

She asked, “Do you win many races?”

I said, “No, the cars are much faster.”

What do you get if you put a duck in a cement mixer?

Quacks in the pavement.

It’s our wedding anniversary today.

My wife and I have been happily married for two years now.

1995 and 2009.

If Watson isn’t the most famous doctor in the world…

Then Who is.

Sundays are always a little sad, but…

The day before is a sadder day.

I was in a taxi today and the driver said, “I love my job. I’m my own boss. Nobody tells me what to do.”

I said, “Turn left here.”

I keep imagining I’m holding an invisible pack of cards.

No one knows what I’m dealing with.

What was Icarus’ least favorite food?

Hot wings.

I got a female dog.

I named her Karma.

What do you call a fictional country?

Imagine-nation.

What do you call a beat-up Batman?

A bruised Wayne.

The last thing my grandfather said before he died was “Pints, Liters, Gallons!”

That spoke volumes.

I was sitting drinking coffee in my slippers this morning, when I thought to myself…

I really need to wash some mugs.

What’s the difference between a cranky two-year-old and a duckling?

One is a whiny toddler and the other is a tiny waddler.

My wife was worried about meeting new people on our upcoming cruise.

I said, “Don’t worry. We’ll all be in the same boat.”

I warned my daughter about using her whistle inside and gave her one last chance.

Unfortunately, she blew it.

What did the mouse use to build his house?

Cottage cheese.

My friend Jay recently had twin girls, and wanted to name them after him.

So I suggested Kaye and Elle.

What do you call a car that’s covered in leaves?

An autumnobile.

First astronaut: “Hey, I can’t find any milk for my coffee.”

Second astronaut: “In space, no one can. Here, use cream.”

I just got fired from my job as a stage designer.

I wasn’t very happy but left without making a scene.

What are terminators called when they retire?

Exterminators.

I got gas today for $1.39.

Unfortunately it was at Taco Bell.

I just called the tinnitus hotline.

It didn’t stop ringing.

“Sir, you have a bladder infection.”

What’s that?

“Urine trouble, sir.”

What did Tennessee?

The same thing Arkansas!

I found out why nurses carry red crayons…

In case they have to draw blood.

A man walked into a hardware store, picked up a can of fly spray and asked the assistant, “Is this good for wasps?”

He said, “No, it kills them.”

I went to the gym and there’s a new machine. I used it for an hour and and ended up feeling sick.

Its good though, it does everything. 

Kit Kats, Mars Bars, Snickers …

A platypus walks into a bar owned by a duck.

He finishes his drink and asks for his check.

Duck billed platypus.

I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.

I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.

My nerdy friend just got a PhD on the history of palindromes.

Now we call him Dr Awkward.

I asked Siri why I was still single.

She turned on the front camera.

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.

If only they could see me now.

I got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city…

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?

Gravy.

The person who invented autocorrect…

Should burn in hello.

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159.

Then it just CLIX.

What is a web developer’s favourite tea?

URL Grey.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

My friend is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his wife finds out she’s going to ring his neck.

I told my wife that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.

“Whatever floats your boat”, she said.

I said, “No, that’s buoyancy”.

The government offered to buy my guns from me.

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I’m not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O.

Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you.

Genue: weurd but alrught.

My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?”

I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.”

She said, “And then what?”

I replied, “Then I’ll see.”

I said to my doctor, “I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”

She said, “That’s not how ADHD works.”

I said, “But I keep losing my Focus!”

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.