LaffGaff Archives

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?

A sigh borg.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it does, no one is shocked.

Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca is less amused.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a “paranoid little weirdo”.

In Morse code.

I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.

But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.

What do you call a dog that’s underwater?

A sub-woofer.

What do you give a dog that has a high temperature?

Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry.

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

What is a tree’s least favorite month?

Sep-timber.

What’s the difference between Spanish and dad jokes?

With Spanish you roll your Rs and with dad jokes you roll your eyes.

What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?

A cannibble.

What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?

A salt rifle.

My wife is so negative.

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?

Straw-berries.

What do you call someone who can eat candy corn with both hands?

Ambidextrose.

What do you call a vaping vampire?

Vlad the Inhaler.

What do you call a glass of alcoholic pig’s blood?

Swine.

Why did the medium cross the road?

To speak to the other side.

What do you get when you cross a cocker spaniel, a poodle, and a ghost?

A cocker poodle boo.

Cockroaches can survive a nuclear holocaust but can’t survive a slap from a newspaper.

That shows how toxic the media is.

What kind of doctor is Dr. Pepper?

A fizzician.

How do you kill a coffee bean?

By decaf-itation.

I prefer to have my milk churned.

It’s butter that way.

I regret rubbing ketchup in my eyes.

But that’s Heinz sight for you.

My cat got stolen.

I think she was taken by a purr snatcher.

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

What do you call a shoe made from a banana?

A slipper.

What is cardboard’s favorite sport?

Boxing.

How many people can ride in an ambulance?

Just paramedics and someone else if they’re patient enough.

What did the assassin do when he was hungry?

The assassinate.

What breed of dog will unlock your front door?

Yorkie.

Why did I want to become an editor?

Well, to make a long story short …

Why is it always a bad idea to play hide and seek with mountain ranges?

They peak.

What state do crayons go to for vacation?

Colorado.

What only does its job after it’s fired?

A bullet.

You know the problem with calculus jokes?

They’re all too derivative.

Why do cell phones not wear glasses?

Because they have contacts.

What do you call a computer mouse that swears?

A cursor.

I occasionally enjoy leaning on things.

When I’m so inclined.

The world’s largest bounce house is now touring the US. At 10,000 square feet it’s large enough to live in.

The rent is pretty expensive but that’s mostly due to inflation.

How do you get a philosophy major off of your front porch?

Pay him for the pizza.

What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?

632 Hallmark movies.

What does a painter do when he gets cold?

He puts on another coat.

What does James Bond do before he goes to bed?

He goes undercover.

Honestly, I don’t mind leg day at the gym.

It’s just the two days after that I can’t stand.

Why are fish easy to weigh?

They have their own scales!

My friend has designed an invisible aeroplane.

I can’t see it taking off.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.