LaffGaff Archives

I went for an interview at a blacksmith’s yesterday.

The blacksmith asked me, “Are you any good at shoeing horses?”

I said, “No, but I once told a Donkey to get lost.”

I hate telling people I’m a taxidermist.

When they ask, “So, what do you do for a living?” I just say, “Oh, you know… stuff.”

Which Pope smells the nicest?

Pope Pourri.

My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.

The police arrested him for attempted murder.

How do fish get high?

Seaweed.

What do you call a genuine friend?

A legiti-mate.

My girlfriend just couldn’t accept my obsession with horoscopes.

In the end it Taurus apart.

A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.

Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.

Earlier, I was driving behind an ambulance when a cooler fell off the back.

I stopped and opened it up to find a foot inside.

So I decided to call a toe-truck.

What do you call an Instagram celebrity who got coronavirus?

An influenzer.

I asked my wife for suggestions for an exercise routine.

She said, “Why don’t you try lunges?”

I said, “That’s a big step.”

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.

This phenomenon is known as many paws.

News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.

They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.

A few minutes ago, I came to the conclusion that tofu is overrated.

It’s just a curd to me.

I grew up in a rough neighbourhood.

As a child people would cover me in chocolate, cream and put a cherry on my head.

It was tough in the gateau.

I made a playlist for hiking.

It has music from Peanuts, the Cranberries and Eminem.

I call it my Trail Mix.

My wife tells me I have 2 major faults.

I don’t listen – and something else.

A priest, a minister, and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.

The rabbit says, “I think I might be a type O.”

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

I was named after my Dad.

Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?

They’re pair-a-medics.

As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”

I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…

Then you’re looking for love in Alderaan places.

I made some fish tacos last night.

But they just ignored them and swam away.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.

But the contractor kept cutting corners.

How do you cut an ocean in two?

With a sea-saw.

I just quit my job at the helium factory.

I won’t be spoken to in that tone.

What did Delaware?

Maybe a New Jersey? I don’t know, but Alaska.

Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline?

Jerry can.

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesn’t work.

Guess I should’ve known when the seller said no strings attached.

Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs.

I called it the second hand second hand store.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Just got the perfect tool for making a good Indian flat bread.

It’s a naan stick pan.

My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany.

She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn’t think I would wear it.

I replied, “Wooden tie?”

Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.

I was like, “What the Hellman!”

I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.

And I’ll name the other DupliKate.

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was as easy as pie.

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open.”

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander woman.

Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

My wife said to me, “I’m going to clone myself”

I said, “That would be just like you.”

My son asked me what procrastinate means.

I said, “I’ll tell you later.”

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.