LaffGaff Archives

I asked Siri why I was still single.

She turned on the front camera.

They all laughed when I told them that one day I would discover the secrets of invisibility.

If only they could see me now.

I got my dream job today. I get my own 200 thousand dollar company car and a corner window with a view of the city…

Being a city bus driver is a dream come true.

Gravity is one of the most fundamental forces in the universe. What do you get when you remove it?

Gravy.

The person who invented autocorrect…

Should burn in hello.

I struggle with Roman numerals until I get to 159.

Then it just CLIX.

What is a web developer’s favourite tea?

URL Grey.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

My friend is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his wife finds out she’s going to ring his neck.

I told my wife that I’ve always had a bit of a thing for Beyoncé.

“Whatever floats your boat”, she said.

I said, “No, that’s buoyancy”.

The government offered to buy my guns from me.

But after a thorough background check of the buyer, I’m not comfortable with selling weapons to organized crime.

Cardi B has a sister who’s a fitness instructor.

Her name is Cardi O.

Genie: What is your final wish?

Boy: I wish I were you.

Genue: weurd but alrught.

My friend asked me, “What are your plans for the weekend?”

I said, “I’m going to buy glasses.”

She said, “And then what?”

I replied, “Then I’ll see.”

I said to my doctor, “I think I might have ADHD, because I can’t remember where I parked my Ford!”

She said, “That’s not how ADHD works.”

I said, “But I keep losing my Focus!”

For the 10th year in a row, my coworkers voted me “the most secretive guy” in the office.

I can’t tell you how much this award means to me.

If anyone wants to come and talk about why my stuff keeps getting stolen…

The door is always open.

I don’t have a “Dad bod”.

I have a father figure.

I say my secret superpower is detecting Indian flatbread in any given room.

My friends all say it’s naan-sense.

A blind person was eating seafood.

It didn’t help.

I asked my wife what she wanted for her birthday.

She said, “Nothing would make me happier than a pair of diamond earrings.”

So I got her nothing.

What do you call a boat full of polite football players?

A good sportsman ship.

Did you know that 97% of the world is stupid?

Luckily I’m in the other 5%.

I think it’s weird that we call childbirth delivery.

It should have been called takeout instead.

What do you call it when a pig loses its memory?

Hamnesia.

We all know where the Big Apple is but does anyone know where the…

Minneapolis.

Bad puns are how eye roll.

Why doesn’t any man need more than one rooster?

A cock-a-dude’ll do.

What do you call a company that replants fields of grass using cropduster airplanes?

A re-seeding airline.

I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.

The look on his face was priceless.

Nobody ever asks how Coca Cola is doing.

It’s always, “Is Pepsi okay?”

As the judge sentenced me to death, I tried to offer him a high five.

But he left me hanging.

I’ve been saying “Mucho” to all of my Mexican friends.

It means a lot to them.

The first rule of Passive Aggressive Club is…

…you know what? Never mind. It’s FINE.

My nickname at school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

Why don’t developers carry guns?

They have troubleshooting.

I’ve decided to become a math teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.

I just want to make a difference.

I said, “Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”

He replied, “No sun.”

A horse walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Hey!”

The horse says, “Yes, please!”

Did you know that a group of crows is called a murder?

Well, technically it’s only a murder if there’s probable caws.

Cowboys don’t roll joints.

They tumble weed.

A fly feels a bug on its back and asks, “Hey, bug on my back, are you a mite?”

“I mite be,” giggles the mite.

“That’s the worst pun I’ve ever heard,” the fly groans.

“What do you expect?” asks the mite. “I came up with it on the fly.”

When you’re in California, make sure your mechanic uses a state flag to check your oil.

Then you’ll get a “Super Cali-Flagger Dipstick Expert Diagnosis.”

My wife is pregnant and my doctor asked me if I had ever been present at a childbirth before.

I said, “Yes just once.”

He asked, “What was it like?”

I replied, “It was dark, then suddenly very bright.”

I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.

The odds were against me.

I just called the paranoia hotline.

A guy answered, “How did you get this number?!”

A man is on trial for cannibalism.

He says to the judge, “Well, your honor, if you truly are what you eat, then I am an innocent man.”

Why do Dads tell Dad jokes?

Because they want to see their kids all groan up.

If you cut off your left arm…

Then your right arm will be left.

What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They’re, there, their.