Joke Of The Day Archives

With great reflexes…

Comes great response ability.

A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.

His Dad said, “$9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?”

My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…

Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.

How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?

$0, it’s on the house.

After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend’s bra off, I’ve decided to give up.

I wish I’d never put it on now.

Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very hard?

Because X was always 10.

How does a Flat Earther travel the world?

On a plane.

Set your WiFi password to fourwordsalluppercase.

Then when someone asks tell them, “One word all lower case, four words all upper case.”

I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal.

Elongate would be really drawn out.

What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?

One bails her hay and the other heils her bae.

How do you turn a T into a P?

Drink it.

What goes “Ooh ooh”?

A cow with no lips.

I told my Australian girlfriend that the Christmas wreath she bought was great, but to please make sure it doesn’t block the doorway.

Because then it would be a Great Barrier Wreath.

Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was on a flight?

I guess you can say the baby was airborne.

Most people are shocked when they find out…

How incompetent I am as an electrician.

Where is happiness made?

At the satisfactory.

I served Eggs Benedict on a hubcap…

Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.

People often say “icy” is the easiest word to spell …

And, looking at it now, I see why.

My wife sighed, “Why does everything have to be a game with you?”

I replied, “An excellent question, my dear. But next time, please use the buzzer!”

Why are astronauts always so calm?

There’s no pressure in space.

A pee fetish isn’t something you do half-heartedly.

Either urine or you’re out.

What do you call 2 monkeys that share an Amazon account?

Prime mates.

I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.

He said, “Google Glasses!”

I said, “OK, but I already know what glasses are!”

I read an article earlier that said it actually takes three sheep to make one sweater.

I didn’t even know they could knit!

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

I just read through six pages in the dictionary.

I learned next to nothing.

I met someone online who shares my fetish for urinating on dried fruit.

Next week we’re going to go on a date.

Light travels faster than sound.

That’s why some people appear bright until they talk.

I just saw a man slumped over a lawn mower crying his eyes out.

He said he’ll be fine, he’s just going through a rough patch.

Can a ninja throw a star?

Shuriken.

Intelligence is the first thing I look for in a woman…

Because if she doesn’t have that, I may just have a chance.

Communism sounds good on paper …

Unless you’re reading a history book.

If light travels faster than the speed of sound…

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

Why is your nose in the middle of your face?

Because it’s the scenter.

The seminar “How To Avoid Frauds” is cancelled.

Tickets are non-refundable.

A bad workman always blames his fools…

Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard…

Have you all heard about the top secret bakery?

I didn’t think so, it’s on a knead to dough basis.

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school …

Never to be heard from again.

Whoever said laughter is the best medicine …

Clearly hasn’t tried curing diarrhea with a tickle fight.

I’m good in bed.

Hardly ever fall out.

If you ever miss 4:20 just wait until 4:22…

Because 4:22 is 4:20 too.

A ghost walks into a bar and orders a whiskey.

The bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve spirits here.”

I said to my son, “There’s only one thing about Halloween that scares me.”

He asked, “Which is?”

I replied, “Exactly!”

Name a vegetable that’s kind of cool.

Radish.

I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act.

It was an automated phone system which said, “Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…”

I’m a virgin by choice.

Not my choice, but everyone else’s.

My buddy asked if he could crash on my couch tonight.

I had to explain to him that I was married now and that’s where I sleep.

My landlord said he needed to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open”.

I WRITE ALL MY JOKES IN CAPITALS…

THIS ONE WAS WRITTEN IN PARIS.

What did the nut say when it was chasing the other nut?

I’m a cashew.