Joke Of The Day Archives

I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.

He said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”

What kind of spells do leprechauns use?

Lucky charms.

What is it called when a giraffe swallows a toy jet?

A plane in the neck.

Wanted: Someone to brush their teeth with me.

Because 9/10 dentists say brushing alone won’t prevent tooth decay.

No weirdos.

What did the electrician’s boss say when he came late to work?

Wire you insulate?

Where do spiders seek health advice?

WebMD.

Why was the child’s blanket arrested?

For being an accessory to a kid napping.

Why does a fork have four prongs?

Because if it had less it would be called a threek.

How are parking spaces measured?

In parking meters.

My wife was angry when I accidentally overcooked the ribeye tonight.

I told her everybody makes misteaks.

I used to be a bus driver but I had to quit.

I was fed up of people talking behind my back.

Three golf clubs walk into a bar.

The putter orders a beer and the wedge orders a whiskey.

The bartender asks the third one if he wants anything.

He replies, “No thanks, I’m the driver.”

Why did the dad who went out for pasta get locked out?

He had gnocchi.

I’m quitting my job at the chemical factory.

It’s a toxic workplace.

There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50!

And turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS!

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

I’m trying to convince my dad to get a new hearing aid.

But he just won’t listen.

Did you hear about the scientist whose pants kept falling down?

He won the no belt prize.

What do you call a wizard who’s running late for the Hogwarts Express?

Hurry Potter.

Why did the crab cross the road?

It didn’t, it used the sidewalk.

What does a politician do after he dies?

He lies still.

Alexa, tell me a joke… Alexa? Alexa?

Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I thought you deserved some privacy.

Really? Well, that’s nic-

Would you like to hear another joke?

I’ve been trying to cut down the amount of video games I play.

I’m only playing for 30 minutes before I go to bed.

Last night I went to bed 8 times.

If you take the first two letters of the title of each the 7 Harry Potter books, it spells out a secret message.

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

I can’t believe that viruses and bacteria would just invade my body without a permission.

That makes me sick.

I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81…

He said no!

I’m not a competitive person.

I’m always the first to admit it.

Women call me ugly until they find out how much money I make.

Then they call me ugly and poor.

Why did the electrician fall in love with every girl he met?

Because he couldn’t resistor.

Why do koi only travel in groups of four?

It’s to protect against predators. When they’re attacked, Koi A, B, and C travel in one direction.

The other one is the D koi.

My dad claimed he could boost our TV’s sound quality by putting plastic wrap over the speakers.

He said Saran-sound is all the rage nowadays.

Where is a bacteria’s favorite place to sit?

On a stool.

Why are city-dwelling gnomes very good at keeping time?

Because they are metro gnomes.

The recipe for marble cake is not what you might first think it is.

Totally unrelated topic – anybody know a good dentist?

I fly often for business. Yesterday, I had three bags to check.

I said, “I’d like this bag to go to New Orleans, this one to Seattle, and the third to Chicago.”

The gate agent rolled her eyes and said, “We can’t do that!”

I said, “Why not? You did it last week.”

My wife and I have an open relationship.

Found out last night.

My wife left me because I’m obsessed with Africa.

Kenya believe it?

And we have two kids together; this divorce is Ghana be so hard on them.

What car should you drive at the start of the week?

Ford Mondayos.

Did you know most Egyptian people are related to the same Pharaoh?

They have Tut-in-common.

To everyone out there suffering from paranoia…

Just remember you’re not alone.

Why couldn’t the couple get married at the library?

Because it was all booked up.

While at the grocery store, be careful not to knock over the cabbage display.

Heads will roll.

I took a job as an executioner, but it’s been tough.

I’m really struggling to get ahead.

I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.

I may have a poultrygeist.

I finally realized why trees don’t have teeth.

Turns out, they’re all bark and no bite.