LaffGaff Archives

Ring Bell

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A man was driving past a country estate when he saw a sign on the gatepost, “Please ring the bell for the gatekeeper.”

So he rang the bell, and an ancient man appeared. “Are you the gatekeeper?”, asked the first man.

“Yes, I am,” answered the gatekeeper. “May I help you?”

“Not really,” answered the man, “I was just wondering why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”

Woke Up Suddenly

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I woke up suddenly, terrified I’m late for work.

I opened my eyes and chilled – I’m at work.

What Do Bees Eat

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My daughter asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?”

I said, “Honey, how should I know?”

Santa Fear

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What do you call the fear of Santa?

Claustrophobia.

No Dinner

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My wife is pregnant. I asked her whether she wanted any dinner.

She said, “No thanks, I gestate.”

Low Ceilings

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My last apartment only had four-foot high ceilings.

I couldn’t stand living there.

Insect Urine Gasoline

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I heard a large oil company is going to start making gasoline from insect urine.

I think it’s BP.

Overweight People

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Doctors tell us that there are 8 million people who are overweight.

These, of course, are just rounded figures.

Mariah Carey’s Christmas Present

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Mariah Carey is opening her Christmas present.

Inside she finds a deed to an undeveloped plot of land that is zoned residential.

Disappointed, she set the deed down and said…

“I don’t want a lot for Christmas.”

Pet Store Promo

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Did you hear about the promo they’re running at the pet store?

Buy one dog, get one flea.

Cow Restaurant

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I went to a restaurant run by cows.

They didn’t allow tipping.

Dating Rosemary

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My brother is dating a girl called Rosemary.

I don’t know what he season her.

Last Word

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When my wife and I argue, I always get the last word.

They’re usually, “I’m sorry. You’re right.”

Hand In Blender

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What happens when you put your hand in a blender?

You get a hand shake.

Sick Pharmacist

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When pharmacists get sick…

Do they get a taste of their own medicine?

Early Morning Exercise

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I never thought I’d be the type of person to wake up at 5 in the morning to exercise.

I was right.

Volume Control Knob

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I lost the volume control knob for my radio about a month ago.

It hasn’t turned up since.

Gym Banana

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I forgot to take my banana to the gym today.

It was a fruitless exercise.

Retired

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For those of you wondering, yes I am retired.

I was tired yesterday and today I am tired again.