What cosmetic brand gets its name from the Latin for snow-white?
Show answer
Nivea.
LaffGaff Archives
Train Noise
What kind of noise does a train make?
A low commotion.
Which was the first country to give women the right to vote?
Show answer
New Zealand.
Wash Hands
Saw a sign in a restaurant restroom that said “Employees Must Wash Hands”.
I waited for an hour, and no employee came in to wash my hands.
Which English rock singer was Addicted to Love in 1986?
Show answer
Robert Palmer.
Quiet Bowling Alleys
Did you know that bowling alleys are really quiet?
You can hear a pin drop.
Rabat is the capital of which country?
Show answer
Morocco.
Cabinet Installer
My cabinet installer was arrested last week.
He was charged with counter fitting.
Which novel features Room 101?
Show answer
1984.
iPhone Dentist
Why did the iPhone go to the dentist?
He had a blue tooth.
The Bermuda Bowl is the world championship trophy in which game?
Show answer
Bridge.
Speeding Camera Photo
I just got a photo from a speeding camera through the post.
I sent it right back – way too expensive and really bad quality.
For which movie did Sean Connery win an Oscar?
Show answer
The Untouchables.
Cooking Class
I brought my own spoon to my cooking class last night.
It caused quite a stir.
Noah’s Boat Designer
Who did Noah hire to design his boat?
An arkitect.
Which European capital city is nicknamed the City of a Hundred Spires?
Show answer
Prague.
Fortune Cookie
What do you call it when a fortune cookie doesn’t have a fortune inside?
Unfortunate.
Who wrote the Tarzan series of books?
Show answer
Edgar Rice Burroughs.
Walk The Cow
Every morning, I take my cow on a long walk through the local vineyard.
I herd it through the grapevine.
Who directed the 1980 horror movie The Shining?
Show answer
Stanley Kubrick.
Matador Equipment
Ladies, if your boyfriend asks for matador equipment for Christmas …
It’s a big red flag.
What is the name of Woody Woodpecker’s girlfriend?
Show answer
Winnie Woodpecker.
Cows Bedtime
What do cows tell each other at bedtime?
Dairy tales.
Ring Bell
A man was driving past a country estate when he saw a sign on the gatepost, “Please ring the bell for the gatekeeper.”
So he rang the bell, and an ancient man appeared. “Are you the gatekeeper?”, asked the first man.
“Yes, I am,” answered the gatekeeper. “May I help you?”
“Not really,” answered the man, “I was just wondering why you can’t ring the bell yourself.”
What organ of the body does encephalitis affect?
Show answer
The brain.
Woke Up Suddenly
I woke up suddenly, terrified I’m late for work.
I opened my eyes and chilled – I’m at work.
Which Disney villain lived at Hell Hall?
Show answer
Cruella de Vil.
What Do Bees Eat
My daughter asked me, “Dad, what do bees eat?”
I said, “Honey, how should I know?”
What name is given to a pigeon that hasn’t yet flown?
Show answer
Squab.
Santa Fear
What do you call the fear of Santa?
Claustrophobia.
What color is the danger flag in motor racing?
Show answer
Yellow.
Bullfighter Lotion
What kind of lotion does a bullfighter use?
Olay!
What is the fifth planet from the Sun?
Show answer
Jupiter.
No Dinner
My wife is pregnant. I asked her whether she wanted any dinner.
She said, “No thanks, I gestate.”
What is the only New England state without an Atlantic Ocean coastline?
Show answer
Vermont.
Happy Cowboy
What do you call a happy cowboy?
A jolly rancher.
What country joins Central America to South America?
Show answer
Panama.
Russian Uber Driver
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
What is the last word in the New Testament?
Show answer
Amen.
Low Ceilings
My last apartment only had four-foot high ceilings.
I couldn’t stand living there.
Memorable Animal
Which animal has the most memory?
The ram.
In which city was President Kennedy assassinated?
Show answer
Dallas.
How long is a marathon to the nearest mile?
Show answer
26 miles.
Insect Urine Gasoline
I heard a large oil company is going to start making gasoline from insect urine.
I think it’s BP.
In which country is the highest capital city in Europe?
Show answer
Andorra.
Overweight People
Doctors tell us that there are 8 million people who are overweight.
These, of course, are just rounded figures.
Which 1977 film won seven Oscars but none for acting?
Show answer
Star Wars.
Shivering Jalapeno
Why was the baby jalapeno shivering?
He was a little chilli.
