LaffGaff Archives

Scientists have discovered a fossilized dinosaur fart.

They described it as a blast from the past.

Just so everybody’s clear…

I’m going to put my glasses on.

They should stock ATMs better.

I went to 4 different ones and they all said insufficient funds.

Why is every gender equality officer female?

Because it’s cheaper.

My wife told me, “Don’t get upset if someone calls you fat.”

“You’re much bigger than that.”

A weasel walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Wow, I’ve never served a weasel before. What can I get you?”

“Pop,” goes the weasel.

I got into an accident and I was shocked when the doctor told me that my fingers were broken.

It was hard to grasp.

My Grandma is in her 90s and she still doesn’t need glasses.

She just drinks straight out of the bottle.

My girlfriend walked out on me for being too old fashioned.

I thought we had good alchemy.

My friend just called me the worst best man ever.

I was speechless.

Why is it unwise to share your secrets with a clock?

Time will tell.

Today I learned that the writer Stephen King has a son named Joe.

I’m not joking, but he is.

If you upload 1,000 pictures on Instagram…

Is it like uploading one picture in Instakilogram?

My earliest childhood memory is visiting the eye doctor and getting my glasses.

Life before that was a blur.

I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.

I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.

There’s a new reality show where flat-earthers are trying to find the edge of the world.

They’ll be so disappointed when the finale is not a cliffhanger.

My wife is furious at me for throwing a snowball at my son.

On top of that, I’m also banned from the maternity ward.

I said to the judge, “60% of my parking tickets are bogus!”

He said, “Repeat infractions?”

I said, “Okay, 3/5 of my parking tickets are bogus!”

In the middle of the battle, I decided to use a knife to preserve my ammo.

All the other paintball players started freaking out though.

If you’re questioning your sexuality…

You probably aren’t thinking straight.

What Sith Lord immobilizes his opponents instead of killing them?

Darth Ritis.

My wife didn’t think I’d give our daughter a silly name.

But I called her Bluff.

I went to my backyard and saw a bird of prey eating avocado toast.

It was a millennial falcon.

How are dog catchers paid?

By the pound.

Why did Buddha start pulling coins out of his butt?

Because change comes from within.

What do you call Nikki Minaj’s butt crack?

Silicon Valley.

Why did Karl Marx write in lowercase?

He hated capitalism.

At the end of my physics lecture, I asked my professor, “Can you tell me what happened before The Big Bang?”

He replied, “Sorry. No time.”

My Dad used to get shot from a cannon at the circus.

When he retired they had to close the show.

They couldn’t find another man of his caliber.

I bought a blindfold yesterday…

I’m not sure why, I can’t see myself wearing it.

My mailman got a sex change.

I guess you’d call him a post-man now.

Being a waiter may not be a very glamorous job…

But at least it puts food on the table.

My obese parrot just died.

Sad, but it’s a weight off my shoulders.

A recent study has revealed that 58% of marriages end in misery.

The other 42% end in divorce.

I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing.

The neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back.

I had a row with my boss yesterday lunchtime.

One of the perks of working near a boating lake…

What did one tectonic plate say when he bumped into another tectonic plate?

Sorry, my fault.

I’ve started using garlic in my magic act.

First I start by crushing it, adding basil and some pine nuts and then I blend them altogether with some Parmesan and olive oil.

Then… hey… pesto!

Doctor, I keep thinking I’m a supermarket.

How long have you felt like this?

Ever since I was Lidl.

What do you call Iron Man without his suit?

Stark naked.

Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?

Because his father grounded him.

A murderer is about to be executed by electric chair and the priests asks if he has any last request.

The man asks for the priest to hold his hand.

Needless to say, the priest was shocked.

What do sad Mexicans wear?

Sombereros.

What club do racist scientists join?

The Potassium Potassium Potassium.

Did you hear about the man with the same first and last name?

It was a Nguyen, Nguyen situation.

My author friend claims that he “accidentally” glued himself to his autobiography, but I don’t believe him.

Still, that’s his story and he’s sticking to it.

My sister asked for me to bring her something hard to write on.

I don’t know why she got so mad at me.

It’s pretty hard to write on sand.

I trapped a couple of vegans in my basement.

At least I think they’re vegan. They keep shouting, “Lettuce leaf!”

McDonald’s tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.

Hopefully, they’ve learned from their McSteaks.

Driving a golf buggy isn’t as easy as it looks…

But I’ve finally got it down to a tee.