LaffGaff Archives

I didn’t think vodka could help my problems.

But it was worth a shot.

Me: I’m terrified of random letters!

Therapist: You are?

Me: [screams]

Therapist: I see.

I’ve been prescribed anti-gloating cream.

I can’t wait to rub it in.

What do they call Miley Cyrus in Europe?

Kilometery Cyrus.

I said to my boss, “Can we talk? I have a problem.”

My boss replied, “Problem? No such thing, we call it an opportunity!”

I said, “Okay, I have a serious drinking opportunity.”

In college I was so broke I couldn’t afford the electricity bill.

Those were the darkest days of my life.

My wife complained that I don’t buy her flowers.

To be honest, I didn’t know she sold flowers.

I was going to give archery a try…

But there are too many drawbacks.

My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.

I can’t read a word now.

I met a guy from Australia who works in IT.

I asked him, “Do you come from a LAN down under?”

The interviewer said to me, “Your resume says you take things too literally.”

I said, “When the hell did my resume learn to talk?”

Have you heard of the blind cyclops brothers?

Neither have eye.

Where do naughty rainbows go?

Prism.

Why can’t you breed an eel with an eagle?

It’s eeleagle.

My Dad was bragging about his hearing aid.

“State of the art,” he said. “Cost me a fortune.”

“Awesome,” I said, “What type is it?”

“Two thirty,” he replied.

My wife gets angry…

That I keep introducing her as my ex-girlfriend.

How do you make a water bed more bouncy?

Add spring water.

What do you call a polite man who builds bridges?

A civil engineer.

What did sushi A say to sushi B when they met?

Wasabi.

I told my friend a cannibal took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie.

He asked, “Gladiator?”

I said, “No, I really miss her.”

The shortest sentence is “I am.”

The longest sentence is “I do.”

I just Googled the phrase “missing medieval servant”.

It came back with “Page not found”.

I’ve written a book about falling down a staircase.

It’s a step by step guide.

A friend asked me if I knew anything about 1s and 0s.

I told him I knew a bit.

If you aren’t impressed with the picture of the first black hole…

You clearly don’t understand the gravity of the situation.

I totally understand why people work at fragrance factories.

Makes scents.

I decided to cut ties with all the people weighing me down.

My climbing partner didn’t appreciate it.

The skip intro button on Netflix is so cool.

I wish Tinder had it too.

Why did the farmer decide to try a career in music after an unsuccessful harvest?

Because he had a ton of sick beets.

A cop pulled me over and asked me, “Where were you between 5 and 6?”

I replied, “Kindergarten.”

How does it feel when you cross a melon with a cauliflower?

Melancholy.

I just said, “No comment” all the way through the police interview.

I didn’t get the job.

I taught my daughter what the word bargain meant.

She said, “Thanks Dad. That means a great deal.”

I was in a liquor store and an employee asked me, “Do you need help?”

I said, “Yes, but I’m going to get whiskey instead.”

I broke two of my Dad’s Queen records.

Now I want to break three.

A three year old boy examined his testicles in the bath.

“Mom,” he asked, “Are these my brains?”

“Not yet,” she replied.

I told my son to stop playing Russian roulette, but you know how it is with kids…

In one ear, out the other.

My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday.

He buried someone in the wrong plot.

It was a grave mistake.

My three favorite things are eating my family…

And not using commas.

What do you call a witch that only eats sand?

Malnourished.

Statistics say that 1 out of 3 people in a relationship is unfaithful.

I just need to work out if that’s my wife or my girlfriend.

I was talking to a girl in a bar last night and she said, “Hey, let’s exchange numbers.”

I said, “Won’t that confuse people who are trying to call us?”

The guy at the tuxedo store kept hovering around me, so I asked him to leave me alone.

He said, “Fine. Suit yourself.”

Every morning, I find that somebody has quietly put a bunch of celery on my front door step.

I think I’m being stalked.

What do you call a wandering caveman?

A Meanderthal.

My mum said, “I’m not happy with your school report.”

I said, “Okay.”

She said, “I want more As.”

I replied, “OKAAAAAAAAAY.”

My friend said to me, “I won’t use stores that gender kids’ beds.”

I said, “Like a boycott?”

She said, “Don’t you start.”

I met a girl at a club the other night who said she’d show me a good time.

When we got outside she ran a 40-meter dash in just 4.5 seconds.

What do you call friends you like to eat with?

Tastebuds.

Just got back from a job interview, where I was asked if can perform under pressure.

I said I wasn’t too sure about that but I do a wicked Bohemian Rhapsody.