LaffGaff Archives

Why do 9 ants get to live in an apartment for free?

Because they’re not tenants.

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night.

Oof.

When I was a little boy, a strange man stepped out of a time machine and punched me for no reason.

Now at last I’ve managed to invent a time machine of my own, so I’m going to go back to when he was a little boy so I can punch him and see how he likes it.

I would like to put on record my appreciation for those who who play the triangle in orchestras.

Thanks for every ting.

My roommate claims I’m schizophrenic.

The jokes on him though, I don’t have a roommate.

I went to the bee keepers to buy some bees.

All the bees had price tags on them except one.

It was a freebie.

Do you know where in a hospital the invisible man can’t hide?

The I. C. U.

I was arrested the other day for stealing people’s electrons.

I was heavily charged, despite my victims saying it was an overall positive experience.

I’ve dedicated my whole life to finding a cure for insomnia.

I won’t rest till I find it.

Working out is like a drug to me.

I don’t do drugs.

“Welcome back everybody” is apparently not a good way to start a speech…

If you’re the best man at your friend’s second wedding.

I can’t believe I got arrested for impersonating a politician.

I was just sitting around doing nothing.

What do you call fake potatoes?

Imitaters.

I know an awful lot about bus timetables.

I’ve led a sheltered life.

I should have known better than to flush my wooden shoes down the toilet.

Now it’s clogged.

I just lost 20% of my couch.

Ouch.

My wife is a body builder.

She’s pregnant.

The man who invented Velcro died.

RIP.

Apparently, 29% of pet owners let their pet sleep on the bed with them, so I gave it a try.

My goldfish died.

I’m going to join the Navy purely out of spite.

I’m longing to become a Petty Officer.

If I had a dollar for every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food…

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

My twin brother called me from prison.

He said, “So you know how we finish each others’ sentences?”

Why do bees have sticky hair?

Because they use honeycombs.

A friend of mine tries to impress girls by drawing realistic paintings of the Ford F-150.

He’s a pickup artist.

Do you remember the joke I told you recently about my spine?

It was about a weak back.

I relabeled all the jars in my wife’s spice rack.

I’m not in trouble yet but the thyme is cumin…

I have a pen that can write underwater.

It can also write other words too.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Before my surgery, the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

My favorite word is “Drool”.

It sort of rolls off the tongue.

My son told me he didn’t understand cloning.

I told him, “That makes two of us”.

Where did Captain Hook buy his hook?

At the second hand store.

My parents treat me like a god…

They don’t believe in me.

My wife has this weird OCD where she arranges the dinner plates by the year they were bought.

It’s an extremely rare dish order.

All the comic books I bought from the store are missing the last page.

I have to draw my own conclusions.

How does a vegan begin grace before a meal?

Lettuce pray.

I hate it when people say age is only a number.

Age is clearly a word.

I often wonder if the guy who came up with the term, “One Hit Wonder”…

Came up with any other phrases.

Ladies, if there’s a man who remembers your birthday, knows what you enjoy and understands your friends and family…

It’s Mark Zuckerberg.

I spent hours trying to remember what the opposite of “night” was.

But, in the end, I just had to call it a day.

A thief tried to steal the paintings at the Louvre in Paris.

He was caught two blocks away when he ran out of gas.

He said, “I had no Monet to buy Degas to make the Van Gogh. But I tried because I had nothing Toulouse.”

I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.

Obviously, it wasn’t called that.

It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’

People always told my dad his pride would be the death of him.

And sure enough he was eaten by his favorite lion last Friday.

Today I stopped at this roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.

So I paid my $2 and the guy said, “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”

My wife just threatened to leave me because of my “Filthy and disgusting habits.”

I was so shocked I nearly choked on my toenails.

I said to my boss, “Boss, can I have a week off around Christmas?”

He said, “It’s May.”

I said, “Sorry. May I have a week off around Christmas?”

I’ve got this awful disease where I can’t stop telling airport jokes.

The doctor says it’s terminal.

What do I know about bonsai trees?

Very little.

What do you call a beehive without an exit?

Unbelievable.

Do you want to buy a broken barometer?

No pressure.