Joke Of The Day Archives

Women can be so ungrateful sometimes.

I made her breakfast in bed and instead of saying “Thank you”, she was all like…

“How did you get in my house?”

Someone threw cheese at me.

Real mature!

I have an EpiPen.

My friend gave it to me while he was dying.

It seemed really important to him that I have it.

Two old men are sitting on the deck of a cruise ship.

The first one asks, “Have you read Marx?”

The other one replies, “Yes. I believe that comes from sitting on these wicker chairs.”

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.

Teach a man to fish and he will sit in a boat drinking beer all day.

A fish walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “What do you want?”

The fish croaks, “Water.”

A guy wearing only Saran wrap underwear walks into a psychiatrists office.

The doctor takes one look at him and says, “Well, I can clearly see your nuts.”

My dad always said to me, “Take it with a pinch of salt.”

Nice man.

Made horrible tea.

I’ll never forget my Granddad’s last words to me just before he died.

“Are you still holding the ladder?”

I was at a job interview today.

The interviewer said to me, “On your CV, it says that you’re a man of mystery.”

I said, “That’s correct.”

He said, “Would you like to elaborate?”

I said, “No.”

A guy walks into a bar and throws a prawn cocktail at the bartender.

“And that’s just for starters”, he said.

Change is inevitable.

Except from vending machines.

A Frenchman walks into a bar with a toad on his head.

“What the heck is that?” asks the barman.

The toad replies, “I don’t know – it started as a wart on my butt and just kept growing.”

A brain walks into a bar and says, “I’ll have a pint of beer please.”

The barman looks at him and says “I’m sorry, but I can’t serve you.”

“Why not?” asks the brain.

“You’re already out of your head.”

These two blondes were going to California for the summer.

They’re about two hours into the flight when the pilot comes on the intercom and says, “We’ve just lost an engine but it’s all right, we have three more so nothing to worry about. It will take us about an hour longer to get there, that’s all.”

A half hour later the pilot comes on the intercom again and says, “We’ve just lost another engine but it’s all right, we still have two more so nothing to worry about. It will just take us an extra half hour to get there.”

One of the blondes turns to the other and says “If we lose the two last engines we’ll be up here all day.”

A teacher wanted to teach her students about self-esteem, so she asked anyone who thought they were stupid to stand up.

One child stood up and the teacher was surprised.

She didn’t think anyone would stand up so she asked him, “Why did you stand up?”

He answered, “I didn’t want to leave you standing up by yourself.”

I heard a great joke about a boomerang earlier.

I’m sure it’ll come back to me eventually.

Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.

Then it becomes a soap opera.

“Now how’s he going to read that newspaper all rolled up like that….?”

Thought the spider.

Words cannot express…

How limited my vocabulary is.

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene…

But that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

There are 3 ways to get things done:

1. Do it yourself.

2. Hire someone to do it for you.

3. Or tell your kids not to do it.

I left my last girlfriend because she wouldn’t stop counting.

I wonder what she’s up to now.

A blonde, a brunette and a redhead decided to compete in the Breast Stroke division of the English Channel swim competition.

The brunette came in first and the redhead second.

The blonde finally reached the shore completely exhausted.

After being revived with blankets and a drink she said, “I don’t want to complain, but I’m pretty sure those other two girls used their arms.”

Inspecting mirrors…

Is a job I could really see myself doing.

When my girlfriend said she was leaving because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was joking.

And then I saw her face.

Me and some mates have just formed a band. We’ve called ourselves “999 Megabytes”.

We haven’t got a gig yet.

A blonde and a redhead are walking in the woods one day when the redhead suddenly has a heart attack and falls to the ground.

Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone, calls the police and shouts, “Help! I think my friend is dead, what should I do?”

The policeman who answered the phone says, “Ok, calm down and listen to me. The first thing to do is to make sure that they really are dead….”

There’s a silence…

Then a loud gunshot…

Then the blonde comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”

A six-foot five skinhead was giving me evil looks in the pub.

I said, “Keep looking at me like that and you’ll be spending the night in A&E.”

He said, “I’d like to see you try!”

So I stabbed his wife.

A visitor to a mental institution asks the director how they decided which patients should be kept in.

The director replies, “We fill up a bath and then offer the patient the choice of a teaspoon, teacup or a bucket and ask them to empty the bathtub.”

The visitor then says, “Oh, I see – a normal person would choose the bucket because it’s the biggest.”

The director responds, “No, a normal person would pull the plug out. Would you like a bed near the window?”

I used to think the brain was the most important organ.

Then I thought, look what’s telling me that.

I’ve just written a song about tortillas.

Actually, it’s more of a rap.

How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.

It was my wife’s birthday and she rang me to see what time I would be home.

“I can’t talk,” I said, “I’m driving.”

“Where are you?” she asked.

She wasn’t happy when I said, “The seventh tee.”

I’ve lost seven pounds this week…

Or as my girlfriend calls it, “the baby”.

Two jump leads walk into a bar and order a beer.

The barman says, “Ok, I’ll serve you – just don’t go starting anything.”

I submitted a book on confectionery to the publishers.

They said I couldn’t write for toffee…

People say I’ve got no willpower.

But I’ve quit smoking loads of times.

I like to hold hands at the movies.

Which always seems to startle strangers.

Bored?

Simply sneak into your local hospital, find someone who looks a bit worried in the waiting area and then walk up to them and say, “I’m terribly sorry – we lost him.”

I had a neck brace fitted years ago.

I’ve never looked back since.

I was tired and bored one night so I went to the bar to have a few drinks.

The bartender asked me, “What’ll you have?”

I said, “Surprise me.”

He showed me a naked picture of my wife.

I keep writing letters to myself.

Dear me.

I’m very good friends with 25 letters of the alphabet.

I don’t know why.

My father was a magician.

Well, not a magician, he just disappeared a lot when we were younger.

I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch …

It’s started suggesting I go outside.

A bear walks into a bar and says to the barman, “I’ll have a whisky and …

… soda.”

The bartender says, “Why the big pause?”

“Dunno,” says the bear. “I’ve always had them.”

I’ve got very sensitive teeth.

They’ll probably be upset I’ve told you.

I was in the pub last night and this bloke said to me, “I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.”

I said, “Is that a fret?”

My wife said, “Did you know butterflies only live for one day?”

I said, “That’s a myth.”

She said, “No, it’s definitely a butterfly.”