LaffGaff Archives

How much does a dragon weigh?

Depends on the scales.

“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”

“Yes, we arson.”

A new study reveals that listening to a Queen album might be bad for your health.

Because of the unusually high Mercury content.

I just caught a glimpse of my wife wearing her sexy underwear. This can only mean one thing.

Today is laundry day.

I got fired from the unemployment office on Friday.

My boss said, “Clean out your desk, and I’ll see you in the office on Monday.”

I went on a date with a woman whose online profile said she had an “infectious smile”.

She had cold sores.

The doctor said to me, “You have a severe iron deficiency.”

I said, “How did you know? I just walked in!”

He said, “Your shirt is all wrinkled.”

Why did the stingray have a chat with the scuba diver?

He wanted to have a manta-man talk.

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

My Grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”

To the guy who stole my antidepressants…

I hope you’re happy.

My friend’s fruit and vegetable business has gone into liquidation.

He now sells smoothies.

I asked the doctor if I could administer my own anaesthetic.

He said, “Go ahead. Knock yourself out.”

I went for a job interview at IKEA today.

When I got there, the interviewer said, “Welcome! Come in and make a seat.”

What do you call a dinosaur that takes care of its teeth?

A Flossiraptor.

Bought one of those travelling irons yesterday.

Woke up this morning and it was gone.

I’ve been trying to organize a Hide and Seek tournament, but it’s not easy.

Good players are hard to find.

It only costs 1c to get into our local aquarium, so long as you’re camping or dressed as a dolphin.

To all in tents and porpoises, it’s free.

My wife handed me two kayak paddles and asked, “Which one do you want?”

I said I’d take either/oar.

Police attending an incident returned to their car to find all four wheels had been stolen.

Officers are working tyrelessly to find the culprit.

I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.

I’m about to start a religious movement.

Broken bridges really annoy me.

I just can’t get over them.

My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me.

When we separated 3 years later, she returned exactly $100.

I lost interest in that relationship.

My wife hates it when our next door neighbor sunbathes topless in her yard.

Personally I’m on the fence.

I said to the doctor, “I feel constepatid!!”

He said, “I think you mean constipated.”

I said, “No, I just had a vowel movement.”

They say you are what you eat…

Today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough, I was ready to eat chicken.

I like dillos, but I don’t support giving them guns.

I would never armadillo.

What do you call an average looking monster?

Mediogre.

I’ve never been married.

But I’ve had a few near Mrs.

A guy walks into library and asks for a book on sea turtles.

The librarian asks, “Hard back?”

The guy replies, “Yeah, little heads too.”

My wife is still mad at me because I accidentally put superglue on her pen a few days ago.

She just can’t seem to let it go.

What do you call a spider with 20 eyes?

Spiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiider.

A mime broke his left arm in a bar fight and got arrested.

He still has the right to remain silent.

There’s a mysterious crime spree going on at our local IKEA.

The cops are having a hard time putting the pieces together.

At what frequency does laughter become painful?

1 gigglehurts.

I was crossing the street when I suddenly noticed my ex getting run over by a bus.

I thought to myself, “Wow! That could have been me!”

Then I remembered I can’t drive a bus.

A new restaurant has opened in my town, serving the meat of exotic animals.

I just had the pelican.

It was delicious but the bill was enormous.

“How long have you been chopping wood for?”

“I’m not sure. Let me check the logs.”

How can you tell the difference between an Indian and African elephant?

One of them is an elephant.

My son identifies as a crescent moon.

I’m worried, but my wife says it’s just a phase.

The doctor said to me, “Do you know you have a serious problem vocalizing your emotions?”

I said, “I can’t say I’m surprised.”

The doctor told me I had onomatopoeia.

I said, “What’s that?”

He said, “It’s exactly what it sounds like.”

I’ve just got a new job as senior director at Old MacDonald’s farm.

I’m the CIEIO.

My wife has accused me of not having any empathy.

I don’t understand why she feels that way.

As I handed my Dad his 50th birthday card, he looked at me with tears in his eyes and said…

“You know, one would have been enough.”

My friend said to me, “You have a BA, a Masters and a Ph.D., but you still act like an idiot.”

It was a third degree burn.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

If it were served warm, it would be justwater.

My wife and I have split up over my obsession with horoscope jokes.

In the end it Taurus apart.

My GPS just told me to turn around.

Now I can’t see where I’m going.

I love eye jokes.

The cornea the better.