LaffGaff Archives

Not to brag, but I have sychic powers.

For example, right now you’re thinking, “It’s psychic, you idiot.”

I was named after my Dad.

Because I couldn’t possibly have been named before him.

Why do ambulance drivers always have a partner with them?

They’re pair-a-medics.

As I was preparing to leave the restaurant, the waiter said to me, “Do you wanna box for your leftover food?”

I said, “No thanks, but I’ll wrestle you for them.”

If you’re dating someone who doesn’t enjoy Star Wars puns…

Then you’re looking for love in Alderaan places.

I made some fish tacos last night.

But they just ignored them and swam away.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.

Today I learned that the Pentagon was supposed to be the Octagon.

But the contractor kept cutting corners.

How do you cut an ocean in two?

With a sea-saw.

I just quit my job at the helium factory.

I won’t be spoken to in that tone.

What did Delaware?

Maybe a New Jersey? I don’t know, but Alaska.

Who can drink 2 liters of gasoline?

Jerry can.

I bought a guitar the other day but it doesn’t work.

Guess I should’ve known when the seller said no strings attached.

Bro, can you pass me that pamphlet?

Brochure.

I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs.

I called it the second hand second hand store.

A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping.

“Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.

“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”

Just got the perfect tool for making a good Indian flat bread.

It’s a naan stick pan.

My wife said she saw a bowtie made from solid mahogany.

She said she nearly bought it for me but she didn’t think I would wear it.

I replied, “Wooden tie?”

Somebody just threw a jar of mayonnaise at me.

I was like, “What the Hellman!”

I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

If I have twin daughters, I’ll name one Kate.

And I’ll name the other DupliKate.

My first time using an elevator was an uplifting experience. The second time let me down.

My wife gave me an ultimatum.

It was either her or my addiction to sweets.

The decision was as easy as pie.

Relationships are a lot like algebra.

Have you ever looked at your X and wondered Y?

I can’t find my ‘Gone in 60 Seconds’ DVD.

It was here a minute ago.

My landlord says he needs to come talk to me about how high my heating bill is.

I told him, “My door is always open.”

What do you call a superhero with a bad sense of direction?

Wander woman.

Hi, I’m Buzz Aldrin. Second person to step on the moon.

Neil before me.

It’s really hard to say what my wife does for a living.

She sells sea shells on the sea shore.

My wife said to me, “I’m going to clone myself”

I said, “That would be just like you.”

My son asked me what procrastinate means.

I said, “I’ll tell you later.”

Doctor: Your brain fell out after your accident, but we managed to put it back in.

Me: Thanks for reminding me.

What do you call an angsty teenage robot?

A sigh borg.

It’s very rare that a defibrillator fails. But when it does, no one is shocked.

Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?

Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.

My son Luke loves that we chose Star Wars characters as inspiration when naming my kids.

However, his sister Chewbacca is less amused.

I was walking past a building site when the guy hammering the roof called me a “paranoid little weirdo”.

In Morse code.

I thought my dad spent all his savings on an expensive wig.

But one look and I realised it was a small price toupee.

What do you call a dog that’s underwater?

A sub-woofer.

What do you give a dog that has a high temperature?

Mustard, it’s the best thing for a hot dog.

What’s a group of chubby newborns called?

Heavy infantry.

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

What is a tree’s least favorite month?

Sep-timber.

What’s the difference between Spanish and dad jokes?

With Spanish you roll your Rs and with dad jokes you roll your eyes.

What do you call someone who only eats tiny bits of other people?

A cannibble.

What’s the fastest way to massacre snails?

A salt rifle.

My wife is so negative.

I remembered the car seat, the stroller, AND the diaper bag.

Yet all she can talk about is how I forgot the baby.

What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?

Straw-berries.

What do you call someone who can eat candy corn with both hands?

Ambidextrose.

What do you call a vaping vampire?

Vlad the Inhaler.