Joke Of The Day Archives

What do you call a bird that’s afraid of heights?

A chicken.

My professor accused me of plagiarism.

His words, not mine.

I used to think I had a Japanese friend.

But it was just my imagine Asian.

My girlfriend said to me the other day, “If anything ever happens to me, I want you to meet someone new.”

Apparently, getting stuck in traffic doesn’t count as “anything”.

Who led the Jews across a semi-permeable membrane?

Os-Moses.

I steal candy bars using sleight of hand.

You could say I have a few Twix up my sleeve.

Which part of America can’t sell full-sized soft drinks?

Minne-soda.

What’s the difference between a dirty bus stop and a lobster with breasts?

One’s a crusty bus station, the other’s a busty crustacean.

I was feeling very lonely so I bought some shares.

It’s nice to have a bit of company.

I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”

I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.

I named my dog “Wifi”.

Because I stole it from my neighbor.

Poop jokes may not be my favorite type of joke.

But they’re a solid number two.

I went for a job interview at EA Games today.

The interviewer said to me, “The second part of your resume is missing.”

I said, “For the second part, you have to pay $20.”

What does a thesaurus eat for breakfast?

A synonym roll.

John the Apostle is writing the Book of Revelation.

He says to God, “So, Lord, the end will be signalled by trumpets?”

God replies, “No… I said Trump/Pence.”

John says, “Yeah, trumpets.”

God says, “No… oh, never mind. They’ll know.”

I accidentally swallowed a handful of Scrabble tiles today.

My next bowel movement could spell disaster.

My friend fell into a vat of chemicals.

Ironically, it was his quick reaction that killed him.

A little girl is having a pretend dinner party with her teddy bear. She says, “Do you want anything to eat, Mr. Bear?”

The bear replies, “No thanks, I’m stuffed.”

I hate people who take drugs.

Specifically, the DEA and US Customs.

That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.

It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end.

If you ever feel like your job is pointless, just remember…

There is someone who is currently installing turn signal lights at BMW.

What’s the difference between a politician and a flying pig?

The letter ‘F’.

Donald Trump may be the next president of the U.S.A. but the real winner is Melania Trump.

She can now call herself the First Lady instead of the Third Wife.

I just read that according to statistics, one third of people cheat in their relationships.

And that got me thinking: is it my wife or my girlfriend who is cheating?

My girlfriend told me she wanted me to be more like her ex.

So I dumped her.

I told my Dad he should embrace his mistakes.

He gave me a hug.

A mugger jumps out in front of a university student and shouts, “Your money or your life!”

The student just keeps on walking as he says, “Sorry, I’m a computer science student, I don’t have either.”

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten…

“1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.”

What do you call a group of babies?

An infantry.

“I have a split personality” ….

Said Tom, being frank.

A little girl asked her Dad one day, “Dad, do all fairy tales begin with ‘Once upon a time?'”

Her Dad replied, “No honey, some of them begin with ‘If I’m elected.'”

I buy all my guns from a guy called “T-Rex”.

He’s a small arms dealer.

An atom lost an electron.

It said, “Man, I really ought to keep an ion them.”

I found someone’s wallet today, and as a good Christian I thought, “What would Jesus do?”

So I turned it into wine.

When I complained about doing homework, my Dad said to me, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.”

I said, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.”

You can tell Monopoly is an old game.

Because there’s a luxury tax and rich people can go to jail.

Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree.

After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”

It’s my wife’s birthday in a couple of days and when I asked her what she wanted she said she’d be happy with anything with lots of diamonds in it.

She’s going to love this pack of playing cards I’ve bought her.

My girlfriend’s dog died, so to cheer her up I went out and got her an identical one.

She went mad, “What am I going to do with two dead dogs?”

I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.

It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.

You can say what you like about Donald Trump …

But he’s doing more than anyone else in the world to stop Donald Trump from being elected president.

My IQ test result just came in and I’m really relieved.

Thank God it came back negative.

What’s Donald Trump’s favorite nation?

Discrimination.

I get so angry when I see someone with their wallet chained to their belt.

I just can’t take it.

I’ll do algebra, I’ll do statistics, I’ll even do trigonometry …

But graphing is where I draw the line.

My Muslim co-worker brought a CD copy of the Quran into work today.

He got really annoyed when I asked if I could burn a copy.

I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.

And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.

If I were a farmer, how would I measure my height?

From my head, tomatoes.

A lot of women are turning into good drivers.

So if you’re a good driver, watch out for turning women.

I scared the postman today by going to the door completely naked.

I’m not sure what freaked him out more – my naked body or the fact that I knew where he lived.