Joke Of The Day Archives

Did you know if you hold your ear up to a stranger’s leg…

You can actually hear them say, “What the heck are you doing?”

I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg so I said to him, “I bet I know what your favorite Christian festival is.”

He said, “Have to love Easter, baby.”

I’m combining Easter and April Fool’s day this year.

I’m sending the kids out to look for eggs I haven’t hidden.

We should’ve known communism would fail.

There were a lot of red flags.

What did Spartacus say to the cannibal who killed his wife?

Nothing, he’s Gladiator.

What do you call Al Gore dancing?

Algorythym.

“How much to buy a singing ensemble?”

You mean a choir?

“Fine, how much to acquire a singing ensemble?”

What do you call a snowman with a six pack?

An abdominable snowman.

I lent my grandfather clock to my friend.

He owes me big time.

I admit I was wrong about how good my chiropractor is.

I stand corrected.

I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math.

Glad to know I’m in the other 2%.

I tried to have a conversation with my wife when she was applying a mud pack.

You should have seen the filthy look she gave me.

One of the Russian acrobats in our human pyramid has been deported.

We don’t have Oleg to stand on.

What do you call an explosive horse?

Neigh-palm.

Did you know the first French fries weren’t actually cooked in France?

They were cooked in Greece.

Why didn’t 4 enter the haunted house?

Because it was 2 squared.

My girlfriend broke up with me because I’m a compulsive gambler.

Ever since, all I can think about is how to win her back.

Mountains aren’t just funny.

They’re hill areas.

I stopped ironing my clothes.

I have less pressing concerns.

A really bad impressionist walks into a bar.

The bartender says, “Why the wrong face?”

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but…

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

My uncle named his dogs Rolex and Timex.

They’re his watch dogs.

What does garlic do when it gets hot?

It takes its cloves off.

I received a flier on anger management the other day.

I lost it.

What do you call the best salesman at a funeral home?

The Top Urner.

If you were dating an FBI agent and you broke up…

He would be your fed ex.

In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

If you rearrange the letters of “Postmen”…

They get really annoyed.

“I love my job!” said the farmer.

“All you do is boss me around all day!” said one of his sheep.

“What did you say?” asked the farmer.

“You herd me.”

A guy with a stutter died in prison …

Before he could finish his sentence.

I just got a new personal best in the 100 meter sprint!

73 meters.

What do you call an incredibly strong STD?

Herpules.

When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”

“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”

Prisoner: I’m sorry I tried to escape.

Guard: I’m not mad, just… disappointed.

Remember, kids, never let your guard down.

My wife asked me how she compared to past girlfriends so I told her she was the only one I had been with.

The others were all eights and nines.

What’s an acorn?

In a nutshell, it’s an oak tree.

What do you call Professor X doing a wheelie?

Professor +

Several of Hitler’s generals disappeared after the war, and became animal doctors.

Because they were veteran Aryans.

I have a horse named Mayo.

Mayo neighs.

When cops arrest a clinically insane person…

Are they busting a nut?

Why is ‘dark’ spelled with a k and not c?

Because you can’t see in the dark.

Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion.

I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

When the punchline becomes apparent.

When does the punchline become apparent?

After the delivery.

I was going to donate blood today, but they always ask way too many personal questions.

Like, “Whose blood is this”, and, “Where did you get it?”

The only two white actors in Black Panther are Martin Freeman, who played Bilbo Baggins, and Andy Serkis who played Gollum.

They’re the Tolkien white guys.

Why did Elon Musk go broke?

Because his car insurance rates were astronomical.

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.

$2.1 million worth of textbooks were stolen the other day.

All eight books were recovered.

What do you call Elvis sitting on a chair?

Pelvis Restly.

Why did the can crusher quit his job?

Because it was soda pressing.