LaffGaff Archives

My wife thinks I don’t respect her privacy enough.

At least, that’s what it says in her diary.

My boyfriend keeps talking about overthrowing capitalism in a violent revolution.

Could this be a red flag?

I gave my date a bottle of tonic water.

Schwepped her off her feet.

Ladies, if he can’t appreciate your fruit jokes…

You need to let that mango.

I took my dog to the lake today and noticed he floats very well.

He’s a very good buoy.

My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill.

Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue.

I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.

It’s still syncing.

I always wanted to be a Gregorian Monk.

But I never had the chants.

My wife says that I wasted money by ordering a 3 meter wide frame for our wedding photo.

Well I think she should look at the bigger picture.

What do a law student and a recovering alcoholic have in common?

They both have to pass the bar.

I was really embarrassed when my wife caught me playing with my son’s train set by myself. In a moment of panic, I threw a bedsheet over it.

I think I managed to cover my tracks.

While driving to work, robbers jumped into my car and stole everything.

They were pirates of the car I be in.

With Britain leaving the EU soon, how much space will be freed up?

1 GB

I went to a strip club at lunchtime today but it wasn’t open.

The sign on the door said, “Sorry, we’re clothed”.

The average height of a dwarf is 3 feet.

That’s a little gnome fact.

My friend went bald years ago, but still carries around an old comb with him.

He just can’t part with it.

I just noticed the minus button is missing from my calculator.

I guess it won’t make any difference.

What do you call a one-armed man doing karate?

Partial arts.

I sent my hearing aid in for repair 3 weeks ago.

I’ve heard nothing since.

Last night, I gave my girlfriend a medieval battle uniform to polish while I went to the bar.

She always said she wanted a night in, shining armor.

My wife tripped and dropped the basket of clothes she had just ironed.

I watched it all unfold.

My wife keeps telling me that I’m the cheapest person she has ever met in her life.

I’m not buying it.

The doctor I’m seeing for my bad back is Egyptian.

He’s a Cairo-practor.

I couldn’t understand why my dog was motionless.

Then I realised… it was on paws.

Not to brag, but I already have a date for Valentines Day.

February 14th.

The female janitor at my building asked if I would chill and smoke some weed with her.

I said, “No. I can’t deal with high maintenance women.”

My wife apologised for the first time ever today.

She said she’s sorry she ever married me.

I came home to find two guys stealing my gate.

I didn’t want to say anything in case they took a fence.

I had to change dentists.

The last one hurt my fillings.

I finally figured out what’s wrong with my brain.

On the left side, there is nothing right.

On the right side, there is nothing left.

My wife and I are planning a trip to San Francisco to finally fulfill my lifelong dream of seeing The Golden Gate in person.

She asked me, “What are you going to do when you see it at last?”

I said, “Let’s cross that bridge when we get to it.”

My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs.

I said, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”

I quit my job as a postman on my first day, right after they handed me my first letter to deliver.

I looked at it and said, “This isn’t for me.”

My wife said to me that if I got her another stupid gift this Christmas, she would burn it.

So I bought her a candle.

Up next: How to sound good in a band. Stay tuned!!

I have a talent where I can see inside wrapped presents.

It’s a gift.

I rang the doctor and said, “Quick! My pregnant wife’s going into labor, what should I do?”

He said, “Is this her first child?”

I said, “No, this is her husband.”

I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.

Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.

I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.

But when I got home the tables were turned.

I once fell in love with a girl who only knew 4 vowels.

She didn’t know I existed.

Why are monks so good at protesting?

The more ohms you have, the greater the resistance.

I went to my first Christening today and the church burned down.

Talk about a baptism of fire!

I know loads of jokes about cash machines.

I just can’t think of one atm.

My computer’s got Miley Virus.

It’s stopped twerking.

I just bought my wife an artificial leg for Christmas.

It’s not her main present, just a stocking filler.

Does anyone know if its possible to take a skin graft from your buttocks and put it on somebody who isn’t family?

Arse skin for a friend.

My wife won’t stop complaining about how long she spends breast-pumping for our new son.

She’s really milking it for all it’s worth.

The couples therapist said, “So, tell me what brings you here today?”

My wife said, “It’s really difficult to live with him. He’s so literal.”

I said, “My truck.”

Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?

Aisle B, back.

IKEA has been accused of evading over $500 million in taxes. Apparently, prosecutors have been after them for years…

But they’re having a really hard time putting their case together.