LaffGaff Archives
“Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”
“But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”
Someone stole 300 cans of Red Bull from my local store.
I don’t know how they can sleep at night.
Jokes about sugar are rare.
Jokes about brown sugar – Demerara.
There’s a nudist convention in my town tomorrow.
I might go if I’ve got nothing on.
In which country do sheep fall from the sky?
Bahrain.
If you’re here for the yodeling lesson…
Please form an orderly orderly orderly orderly queue.
What do you say to your sister when she’s crying?
Are you having a crisis?
I just accidentally superglued my thumb & index finger together, and at first I started to panic…
But then I remembered that it’s always going to be okay.
I bought a deodorant stick today.
The instructions said, “Remove cap and push up bottom.”
I can barely walk but when I fart the room does smell lovely.
Are there a lot of first-person singular objective pronouns …
Or is it just me?
Two cheese trucks ran into each other.
De brie was everywhere.
What kind of eclipse is it when the sun moves in front of the moon?
An Apocaclipse.
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s just water under the fridge.
My sex life is like a video game.
Single Player.
Working at home sucks…
If you’re a firefighter.
The whole world should be worried that North Korea has a missile that can hit New York…
Because if it can make it there, it can make it anywhere.
If I ever go to prison, I’m gonna change my name to mitochondria…
I want everyone to know I’m the powerhouse of the cell.
I’m not bragging but I made six figures this year…
So they named me the year’s worst employee at the toy factory.
What do you see when a duck pulls down his underwear?
His butt quack.
How do you drown a hipster?
Throw him into the mainstream.
When Mary had a baby boy, the wise men weren’t surprised…
But you should have seen their eyes when she had the little lamb.
For Christmas, I bought my wife new beads for her abacus.
It’s the little things that count.
Did you know Santa actually only had two reindeer?
Rudolph and Olive, the other reindeer.
Rudolph likely won’t be flying this year because his grades in History class dropped from a B to a D…
That’s right folks, Rudolph went down in History.
Vandals have attacked the National Origami Museum in Tokyo.
We’ll keep you updated as the story unfolds.
My girlfriend said she slept with 5 people before we met.
I wouldn’t mind but I was only 20 minutes late.
What gets bigger the more you take from it?
The lower class.
Disney now owns Star Wars, Marvel, Indiana Jones, Disney World and the Simpsons.
If they acquire my parent’s divorce they will own my entire childhood.
I bought a new shrub trimmer today…
It’s cutting hedge technology.
Why is Trump excited Russia was banned from the 2018 Winter Olympics?
It makes it easier to decide who to cheer for.
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would’ve survived in that situation.
I almost died during Finding Nemo.
Personally, I don’t believe in bros before hoes, or hoes before bros.
There needs to be a balance.
A homie-hoe-stasis, if you will.
The 13th Amendment makes it illegal to buy people.
Apparently, it doesn’t apply to congressmen.
With great reflexes…
Comes great response ability.
A boy asked his Bitcoin-investing dad for $10.00 worth of Bitcoin currency.
His Dad said, “$9.67? What do you need $10.32 for?”
My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…
Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.
How much does Santa’s sleigh cost?
$0, it’s on the house.
After spending 20 minutes trying to take my girlfriend’s bra off, I’ve decided to give up.
I wish I’d never put it on now.
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very hard?
Because X was always 10.
How does a Flat Earther travel the world?
On a plane.
Set your WiFi password to fourwordsalluppercase.
Then when someone asks tell them, “One word all lower case, four words all upper case.”
I hope Elon Musk never gets involved in a scandal.
Elongate would be really drawn out.
What’s the difference between a female farmer and Hitler’s girlfriend?
One bails her hay and the other heils her bae.
How do you turn a T into a P?
Drink it.
What goes “Ooh ooh”?
A cow with no lips.
I told my Australian girlfriend that the Christmas wreath she bought was great, but to please make sure it doesn’t block the doorway.
Because then it would be a Great Barrier Wreath.
Did you hear about the mother who gave birth to her baby while she was on a flight?
I guess you can say the baby was airborne.
Most people are shocked when they find out…
How incompetent I am as an electrician.
Where is happiness made?
At the satisfactory.
I served Eggs Benedict on a hubcap…
Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
