We’ve pillaged the internet to bring you these funny Viking jokes and puns. Take a Leif out of our book and enjoy them; there are Norse slackers here!
Funny Viking Jokes And Puns
One night, a Viking called Rudolph the red was looking out of his window when he suddenly said, “It’s going to rain.”
His wife asked, “How do you know?”
“Because Rudolph the red knows rain, dear.”
How did Vikings send secret messages?
Norse code.
What do you call a vegetarian Viking?
Norvegan.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
The Vikings had an initiative tradition where a child had to participate in a raid to become a full man.
As they say, it takes a pillage to raise a child.
Fact: Vikings are the sixth generation of kings.
When the Vikings discovered America, what did they name it?
Norse America.
I was digging in the back garden when I came across a horde of Viking coins.
I was so excited I almost ran in to tell my wife.
Until I remembered why I was digging.
Benny was your typical Viking. Strong, tall and courageous, he was the ideal viking in every way, except for one.
See, Benny couldn’t grow a beard. For all his 30 winters on Earth, he still had just as smooth a face as the day he was born.
This bothered Benny, because when he was out pillaging, nobody took him seriously.
Who is scared of a baby faced warrior that looks like he’s 16?
The final straw for Benny just happened at the last raid. His opponent laughed at him and asked the Vikings to send him a man instead of a boy.
Well, Benny might have slain that warrior for his crass comment, but his confidence was beginning to fade.
So that night, during the rioting, looting and pillaging, Benny got very, very drunk on mead and wandered out into a field.
“Odin!” he yelled. “Why have you forsaken me? I’ve been a loyal follower, I’ve fought in many battles in your name. Why have you cursed me with this face?”
It may have been a trick of the light or the many horns of mead Benny had drunk, but Benny was surprised to hear an answer back.
“Benny! I have not forsaken you, why do you say such things?”
“Odin, how can I be a feared warrior when I cannot grow a beard? My opponents laugh at me and call me a child! I just wish to grow a beard like yours, one such that all will know me to be a man!”
“Very well,” Odin replied. “As you’ve been a good Viking, I will help you grow your beard… BUT!!!! If you ever cut or shave, I will turn you into an urn!”
“Odin, I would never do that,” Benny replied. “All I’ve wanted my life is to serve you and look like a man!”
“So be it,” Odin said. “But you have been warned.”
Benny passed out into a drunken sleep to awake the next morning.When he awoke, he thought it all a dream until he rubbed his face and where once was smooth skin like a baby’s bottom was now stubble.
“Yes Odin! Thank you! I will not forget our deal!” cried Benny.
By the end of the day, Benny had a respectable shadow on his face.
At the end of the week, Benny’s beard had come in.
At the end of two weeks, Benny’s beard had continued to grow and was now down to his chest.
His life was good, he had the respect of his fellow Vikings, his opponents feared him, and Benny had never been happier.
However, his beard continued to grow at an astonishing rate. At the end of the third week, it had grown to his waist.
His fellow Vikings were muttering about black magic behind his back.
At the end of the month, it was down to his knees, and in order to go into battle, he had to tie it around himself like a belt.
At the end of two months, he could no longer move without the assistance of a wheel barrow to carry his beard in front of him, he could not go into battle, and he his fellow Vikings were sure he was cursed.
Benny was despondent. He began to think to himself about how busy Odin must be. How Odin couldn’t possibly remember the agreement they had. How Odin must have forgotten him, for how else would his beard have continued to grow so much.
Benny couldn’t take it anymore. He took his belt knife, grabbed his long beard and just as soon as his blade parted the first hair on his face…
Poof!!! Benny was turned into an urn.
The moral of this story is: A Benny shaved is a Benny urned.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn’t bring back the ugly ones.
My girlfriend said if I don’t stop my obsession with Viking culture she’ll fight me to the death.
“Jokes on you,” I said. “If I die in battle, I’ll go straight to Valhalla.”
Wanna here a joke about Vikings?
Never mind, there’s Norway you’d laugh at it.
How do you communicate with the spirit of a Viking warrior?
With a Nor-Ouija board.
A famous Viking explorer returned home from a voyage and found his name missing from the town register.
His wife insisted on complaining to the local civic official, who apologized profusely, saying:
“I must have taken Leif off my census.”
My friends and I are starting a disco group.
We’ll dress as a Viking, a Mongol, a Caribbean pirate, a Bedouin raider, and a Spanish conquistador.
We call ourselves: The Pillage People.
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery.
What is a Viking’s favorite music?
Ragnarock.
What do you call a Viking who’s been bitten by a vampire?
Norseferatu.
Where do southern Viking descendants go after death?
Y’allhalla.
Vikings aren’t afraid of death.
They know they’ll be Bjorn again.
Roman soldiers are trained.
But Vikings are Bjorn.
Why were the Vikings such good sailors?
You can lead a Norse to water but you can’t make him sink.
Where do Vikings go when they get old?
The Norsing home.
More Funny Jokes
If you enjoyed our funny Viking jokes and puns, be sure to invade the rest of LaffGaff for lots more funny jokes such as these:
