Floating Dock
What keeps a dock floating above water?
Pier pressure.
Water Jokes
These refreshingly funny water jokes and puns certainly won’t sink without a trace!
Underwater Explosives
You think jokes about underwater explosives are bad?
Just wait until you sea mine.
Water Park
My kids put together a PowerPoint presentation explaining why we should go to the water park.
It has several slides.
Water On The Brain
I asked my doctor how to cure water on the brain.
He suggested a tap on the head.
Water Jug Inventor
The inventor of the water jug died today.
Tributes have been pouring in.
Electric Toothbrush
I just found out that my new electric toothbrush is not waterproof.
I was shocked.
Water Pourer
What do you call a guy pouring water into a glass?
Phil.
Lakes And Rivers
I love watching programmes about lakes and rivers on the internet.
Anything water related really.
I’m actually watching a live stream right now.
Waterproof Toaster
When I found out my toaster wasn’t waterproof…
I was shocked.
Troubled Drinker
A man walks into a bar and says, “I’m here to drink my troubles away!”
“Well you’ve come to the right place,” says the bartender. “What’ll it be?”
The man replies, “One water please.”
“Just a water??”
“Yeah, I have kidney stones.”
Broken Roof
What does a Jedi’s broken roof do?
Leak Skywater.
Shortened Rope
I shortened the rope on the bucket used to collect the village’s water.
Didn’t go down well.
Wet Floor
An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she’s going to kill him.
The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again.
He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room.
She does as promised.
Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.
Then she calls 911 and tells them, “I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn’t listen and I shot him.”
Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife.
The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it’s a rather strange story so he drives to the house.
When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.
He asks, “Officers, why haven’t you gone inside and arrested the woman?”
They reply, “Sir we can’t go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet.”
Mansplainer
Where does a mansplainer get his water?
From a well, actually.
Upside Down Canoe
Today I learned that if a canoe turns upside down in the water, you can safely wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Two Structures
My friend said I wouldn’t be able to name two structures that hold water.
I was like, “Well, damn.”
Water Supply
My old next door neighbor and I were good friends, so we decided to share our water supply.
We got a long well.
SCUBA Acronym
SCUBA is an acronym for Self Contained Underwater Breathing Apparatus. What you may not know is that Tuba is also an acronym.
For Terrible Underwater Breathing Apparatus.
Ocean Cutter
How do you cut an ocean in two?
With a sea-saw.
Underwater Dog
What do you call a dog that’s underwater?
A sub-woofer.
Which Is Heavier?
Which is heavier, one gallon of water or 10 gallons of butane?
The water.
No matter how much you have, butane will always be a lighter fluid.
Underwater Pen
I have a pen that can write underwater.
It can also write other words too.
Water Bed
How do you make a water bed more bouncy?
Add spring water.
Tonic Water
I gave my date a bottle of tonic water.
Schwepped her off her feet.
Japanese Mafia
I got the words “jacuzzi” and “yakuza” confused.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
Sentient Water Basin
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter.
Let that sink in.
Religious Movement
I accidentally drank some holy water with my laxative.
I’m about to start a religious movement.
Best Served Cold
Justice is a dish best served cold.
If it were served warm, it would be justwater.
Self Esteem
I love taking photos of myself standing next to boiling water.
My doctor says I’ve got selfie steam issues.
Let Bygones Be Bygones
My wife was furious at me for kicking dropped ice-cubes under the refrigerator.
But now it’s just water under the fridge.
Holding My Breath
When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would’ve survived in that situation.
I almost died during Finding Nemo.
Salty Ocean
Why is the ocean so salty?
Because the land doesn’t wave back.
That’s Not What It’s For!
This idiot on the treadmill at the gym.
Just put a water bottle in the Pringles holder.
French Rivers
Why does France have so many rivers?
Because water follows the path of least resistance.
A Reason For Living
If you’re feeling down, try drinking a pint of water before going to bed.
It’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.
Red Bull And Coffee
This morning I made my coffee with Red Bull instead of water.
After 15 minutes of driving on the highway, I realized I left my car at home.
Water Bill
My friend can’t afford to pay his water bill.
I’ve sent him a Get Well Soon card.
Shark Attack
I was at the beach today and I saw a man in the water shouting, “Help! Shark! Help!”
I laughed because I knew the shark wasn’t going to help him.
Baptism
A priest is baptizing this guy one day.
As he dips him in the water three times, he says “Joe, from now on you will be known as Matthew. From this day forth you are to shed your sinful ways and that includes no more gambling or alcohol.”
Later that day the guy goes home and heads straight for the fridge.
He grabs a bottle of beer and dips it in the sink. As he does so, he says “From this day on, you will be known as green tea.”
Water On Mars
Yo momma so fat…
She jumped in the pool and they found water on Mars.
