Recovering Hackers

I went to a meeting of recovering hackers.

It was called Anonymous Anonymous.

Old Man

My kid called me an old man this morning.

We both laughed and laughed.

Then I changed the WiFi password.

Frozen Computer

It was so cold yesterday my computer froze.

It was my own fault though, I left too many windows open.

Tech Guy

I hate it when I can’t figure out how to operate the iPad and my tech guy is asleep.

He’s 5 and it’s past his bedtime.

Microsoft Competitor

I’ve created a writing software product to rival Microsoft’s.

It’s their Word against mine.

iPad Thief

Great news! The police arrested the man who stole my iPad.

I hope he’s going to face time.

Broke Programmer

Why did the programmer go broke?

Because she used up all her cache.

Binary Explanation

Someone tried to explain binary to me.

I couldn’t understand a bit of it.

Big Crumb

I dropped a really big crumb on my laptop keyboard. Turned out to be nothing to worry about though.

It’s under Ctrl.

Wife Argument

Arguing with my wife is like reading a software license agreement.

In the end, I ignore it all and click “I agree.”

Strongest Passwords

Why do drum kits have the strongest password protection?

Because they contain special cymbals.

Alexa Joke

Alexa, tell me a joke… Alexa? Alexa?

Sorry, I wasn’t listening. I thought you deserved some privacy.

Really? Well, that’s nic-

Would you like to hear another joke?

Binary Course

I signed up for Binary 101 but failed it miserably.

I had no idea it was a Level 5 course.

Keyboard Trouble

I was so angry earlier that I threw my keyboard against the wall and parts flew everywhere.

That’s when the shift hit the fan.

Hard Drive

How do you eat a hard drive?

One byte at a time!

Disgusting Difference

What’s the difference between a vegan and a computer programmer?

One is disgusted by a rack of lamb and the other is disgusted by a lack of RAM.

Head Slam

My wife told me she’ll slam my head on the keyboard if I don’t get off the computer.

I’m not too worried, I think she’s jokinlkjhfakljnm,.nbziyoao78yv87dfaoyuofaytdf

Scroll Replacement

Tablets were replaced by scrolls.

Scrolls were replaced by books.

Now we scroll through books on tablets.

Keyboard Switcher

I ran into the office this morning and switched the m and n keys on as many keyboards as I could. Some might call me a monster but …

The rest are definitely goimg to call ne a nomster.

Programmer Money

Today I made my first money as a programmer.

I sold my laptop.

Software Tester

A software tester walks into a bar.

Runs into a bar.

Crawls into a bar.

Dances into a bar.

Flies into a bar.

Jumps into a bar.

And orders:

A beer.

2 beers.

0 beers.

99999999 beers.

A lizard in a beer glass.

-1 beer.

“Qwertyuiop” beers.

Testing complete.

A real customer walks into the bar and asks where the bathroom is.

The bar goes up in flames.

On The Router

My wifi password is “writtenontherouter”…

I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it’s literally “writtenontherouter”.

Computer Outage

Our computers went down at work today, so we had to do everything manually.

It took me twenty minutes to shuffle the cards for Solitaire.

The Computer

My boss calls me “The computer”.

It’s nothing to do with intelligence; I go to sleep if left unattended for 15 minutes.

Computer Problems

I told my boss, “Sorry I’m late. I was having computer issues.”

He asked, “Hard drive?”

I said, “No, the commute was fine. It’s my laptop.”

Computer Hackers

How did the computer hackers get away from the scene of the crime?

I think they just ransomware.

Why Alexa?

Alexa, why do I always screw up with the ladies?

I’m Siri, you idiot!

Space Station

Why do people on the ISS use Linux?

You can’t open windows in space.

Password Change

I changed all my passwords to Kenny.

Now all I have are Kenny Loggins.

Dead Hackers

Where are dead computer hackers buried?

In decrypt.

Damaged Laptop

The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.

It was a hard drive.

Helping Granddad

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

Swearing Mouse

What do you call a computer mouse that swears?

A cursor.

Mean Siri

I asked Siri why I was still single.

She turned on the front camera.

Mobile Phone Implant

My friend is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his wife finds out she’s going to ring his neck.

Medieval Servant

I just Googled the phrase “missing medieval servant”.

It came back with “Page not found”.

Computer Virus

My computer’s got Miley Virus.

It’s stopped twerking.

Wifi Connection

I had terrible internet connection on my farm till I moved the modem to the barn.

Now I have stable WiFi.

Cutting Edge

I bought a new shrub trimmer today…

It’s cutting hedge technology.

Password Advice

Set your WiFi password to fourwordsalluppercase.

Then when someone asks tell them, “One word all lower case, four words all upper case.”

Google Glasses

I asked my son what he wants me to get him for Christmas.

He said, “Google Glasses!”

I said, “OK, but I already know what glasses are!”

Bad Workman

A bad workman always blames his fools…

Tools, I meant tools. Stupid keyboard…

Keyboard Factory

I was fired from the keyboard factory today.

I wasn’t putting in enough shifts.

Cloud Computing

I never knew how technologically advanced Moses was.

But today I learned he had the first tablet that could connect to the cloud.

Free Wifi

I dunno what this WiFi dude did…

But I’ve seen a ton of bars and restaurants demanding his freedom lately.