Clever Fish

What do you call a fish that has completed 8 years of medical school?

A brain sturgeon.

Cosmetic Surgery Fail

If anyone knows how to correct cosmetic surgery that’s gone horribly wrong …

I’m all ears.

Oldest Circumcision

What’s the oldest age someone could get a circumcision?

I just want to know the cut off date.

Eye Surgery

A guy just finishes his Lasik surgery and his surgeon leads him in his office to discuss the surgery.

The surgeon asks if he wants the good news or bad news first.

The man excitedly replies, “I’ll take the good news first.”

The surgeon tells him, “Well, you’re about to get a new dog.”

Anaesthetic Choice

Before my surgery, the anaesthetist offered to knock me out with gas or a boat paddle.

It was an ether/oar situation.

Organ Transplants

For years I was against organ transplants.

Then I had a change of heart.

No Surprise

Remember when plastic surgery was a taboo subject?

Now you mention Botox and nobody raises an eyebrow.

Charismatic Surgeon

My bald surgeon is the most charismatic man I’ve ever met.

He’s a real smooth operator.

I’ll Kill Him

If I ever find out the name of the surgeon that screwed up my limb transplant, I’ll kill him …

With my bear hands.

Mother Always Said

My mother used to say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach.

Lovely woman.

Useless surgeon.

A Common Operation

What’s the most common operation in a LEGO hospital?

Plastic surgery.

Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous

“Hello everyone, and welcome to Plastic Surgery Addicts Anonymous. I see a lot of new faces here tonight, and I have to say I’m pretty disappointed.”

Key To Comedy

I went for a minor procedure at the hospital the other day. As I felt the anaesthetic starting to kick in I said, “I have a joke for you.”

The anaesthetist said, “You’d better be quick!”

I said, “Do you know what the key to comedy is?”

Then I smiled and passed out.

When I woke up a couple of hours later, I asked the nurse to pass the anaesthetist a message: “Timing.”

In Two Minds!

I wasn’t originally going to get a brain transplant.

But then I changed my mind.

Hospital Trolley

As I laid on the hospital trolley awaiting my surgery, I asked the doctor, “How long will I be in hospital?”

He said, “If all goes well, about a week. If not, about 45 minutes.”

Surgery Joke

“Do you really have to lick the knife?” she asked.

“Sorry, force of habit,” I said. “Lots of people do it though, don’t they?”

“Yes but not during surgery, Doctor.”

Cosmetic Surgeon

A naturist cosmetic surgeon recently moved in to my sleepy little town.

He raised a few eyebrows.