Bouillon Cubes
I couldn’t find any bouillon cubes in the supermarket.
Apparently they’re out of stock.
Shop Jokes
We can’t wait for people to see what’s in store for you with these hilarious shop jokes! So we’ve put them on display for everyone!
Paint Thinner
I went down to the paint store to get thinner.
It didn’t work. I’m still fat.
Expensive Binoculars
I went to a specialist shop the other day and bought some binoculars, but they cost a fortune.
I think they saw me coming.
Sword Swallower
I saw the sword swallower from the circus in a shop buying some pins.
Apparently he’s on a diet.
Cheap Trampolines
I saw a sticker in the sports shop saying “Trampolines Half Price”.
I jumped on the offer.
Empty Tester Bottle
I was in a shop the other day, and there was an empty tester bottle of perfume with a sign saying “out of odor”.
Used Chess Set
Where is the best place to sell a used chess set?
At a pawn shop.
Voilin Buyer
I was buying a violin in the music shop and they asked if I wanted a bow.
I said it didn’t need to be wrapped.
Luggage Shop
Why is there always a shop selling luggage at the airport?
Who is going on vacation, carrying armfuls of clothes, saying, I’ll pack when I get there?
Second Hand Store
I saw a man with one arm shopping at a second hand store.
I don’t think he’s gonna find what he’s looking for.
Shoe Shop
I was in a shoe shop this morning trying on a shoe.
I said to the assistant, “It’s too tight”.
She said, “Try it with the tongue out”.
I said, “It’th nho ghood, it’th thtill thoo thight”.
IKEA Fire Drill
There was a fire drill at IKEA today.
We all assembled in the car park.
Truck Collision
A truck filled with Worcestershire sauce and a truck filled with quinoa crashed in front of the local charcuterie shop.
When asked by reporters what had happened, a witness replied, “Well… it’s kind of hard to say…”
Cashier Instructions
The cashier told me, “Strip down facing me.”
By the time I realized she meant the debit card, it was too late.
Wig Shop Robbery
Did you hear about the wig shop that got robbed?
They’re looking into replacing all the locks.
Posed Naked
I once posed naked for a magazine.
The shop keeper wasn’t having it and told me I’d have to give him cash like everyone else.
Shopping Trolley Collector
I saw an elderly man at the supermarket collecting the trolleys.
He must have been pushing seventy.
Haircut Wait
A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.
A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.
A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”
The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.
The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”
A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.
The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”
Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”
Magic Shop
Dave walks into a magic shop.
He walks up to the man at the counter and asks, “What magic can you do?”
The man at the counter replies, “Voodoo, magic reversal, time travel, and …”
Dave interrupts him and says, “Wait, go back.”
Dave walks into a magic shop, and the man at the counter says to him, “That’ll be $30.75.”
Where Is It?
When I was at the grocery store, I asked an employee where the cereal was, and he said, “I’ll see.”
And walked off.
Five minutes later, I asked another employee about the cereal, and he too said, “I’ll see,” and walked off.
I eventually found it myself.
It was in aisle C.
Store Discount Card
My windshield was covered in ice this morning and I didn’t have a proper scraper to remove it so I used my store discount card.
But I only got 20% off.
Naked Body
As I looked at my naked body in the mirror…
I realised that I was going to get kicked out of IKEA.
Psychic Shopper
A psychic is buying clothes:
Employee: How about this one?
Psychic: That shirt is too small.
Employee: You didn’t even try it on.
Psychic: I’m a medium.
Sound Of Wasps
The other day I visited the thrift shop and picked up an old record album called “Sound of Wasps”.
When I got home and played it I realised it didn’t sound anything like wasps!
Turns out I’d been playing the bee side.
New Kitten
How do you buy a kitten when the pet store is closed?
You order it from the cat-alogue.
Big Sofa
The salesman at the furniture store told me, “This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems.”
I said, “Where the heck am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
Bad Cashier
I had the nastiest, rudest, slowest cashier today.
I guess it’s my own fault for using the self service checkout.
Nasty Sting
A woman goes to the doctor looking fantastic: hair and makeup done by a professional, Gucci heels, Versace dress and Prada purse.
“I’ve been stung by a nasty insect of some kind,” she tells the doctor, “but I’m ashamed to tell you where.”
“It’s okay,” says the doctor. “Our communication is privileged; I won’t tell anyone.”
“Okay,” says the woman. “It was at Walmart.”
Fake Bills
I was working in my shop when the cashier called me over.
He said, “These two guys came in and tried to give me some fake fifty dollar bills.”
“What did they look like?” I asked.
He said, “Fifty dollar bills.”
Armed Robber
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
Store Opening
I opened a shop selling used artificial limbs.
I called it the second hand second hand store.
Rude Customer
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Shopping List
My wife asked me to put tomato ketchup on the shopping list that I was writing out.
I can’t read a word now.
Arnie Doll
Where do you keep Arnold Schwarzenegger dolls in a store?
Aisle B, back.
Smoke Machines
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops.
I think he must be a part of some extreme mist group.
Frustrating Conversation
I visited a coffee shop where the Wifi password was wedonthavewifi.
It was a very frustrating conversation with the cashier.
Bada Bing!
I went shopping for cherries and microphones yesterday.
Bought a bing, bought a boom.
Food Shopping
They say never go food shopping when you’re hungry.
But it’s been over a week now and every day I just get hungrier.
One Night Stand
The furniture store keeps calling me back.
But all I wanted was that one nightstand.
Death Bed Jew
A Jew was lying on his death bed. He asks his wife if she is there. She says that she is.
He asks his son if he is there. He replies that he is.
He asks if his daughter is there. She replies that she is.
As he finds out everyone is there, he has a heart attack and dies. His last words were, “Why… is no-one… in the shop?”
