School Jokes

When I was at school, I put invisible ink in the printer before printing a math question.

I couldn’t see what the problem was.

I went to school for magicians but failed the final exam.

They were all trick questions.

Is it okay that I start drinking as soon as the kids are at school?

Or does that make me a bad teacher?

I told my son, “Have you heard that they’re shutting down all food resources in schools so that children can’t eat?”

“Canteens?” he asked.

“No, it doesn’t matter what age,” I replied.

My geography teacher asked if I could name a country with no R in it.

I said, “No way.”

My teacher always said not to worry about correct spelling, because we have autocorrect.

And for that I am infernally grapefruit.

What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?

The mean increases.

A boy is going to his first day of school.

He looks worried so his dad asks him, “What’s wrong?”

Nervous, the kid asks, “How long do I have to go to school for?”

“Until you’re 18,” says the father.

The kid nods, and thinks about this quietly.

When they get to the front gates of the school, the kid says, “Dad, you will remember to come and get me when I’m 18, won’t you?”

Kim Jong-Un walks into a school in North Korea.

He asks a student, “Who is your father?”

The student replies, “The Supreme Leader, infinite in wisdom and kindness, provider and protector of the Koreans, he is our only father.”

Kim Jong beams. “Excellent. Now tell me who is your mother?”

The student doesn’t hesitate. “The Land of True Korea, outstanding in her beauty, international superpower, and redeemer of all civilisations, she is our only mother.”

Kim Jong applauds. “What a diligent student you are. What do you want to be when you’re older?”

The student replies, “An orphan.”

A teacher told his students, “The person who answers my next question correctly gets to leave class early.”

Suddenly, a pen came flying across the room, practically hitting the teacher in the face.

“Who threw that?!” the teacher shouted, angrily.

“Me!” piped up a voice from the back of the classroom. “Can I leave now?”

My favorite teacher at school was Mrs Turtle.

Strange name, but she tortoise well.

I have a pencil that used to belong to William Shakespeare. He chewed it a lot.

Now, I can’t tell if it’s 2B or not 2B.

I was gutted this afternoon when my wife told me my 5 year old son wasn’t actually mine.

She then said I need to pay more attention at school pick up.

Not to brag, but I defeated our local chess champion in less than 5 moves.

Finally my high school karate lessons came to some use.

I do really feel bad for the Class of 2020. People say your senior year flies.

I just didn’t realise it would Zoom.

My nickname at school was Scarface.

I was really good at knitting.

What do you say to comfort an English teacher?

They’re, there, their.

My mum said, “I’m not happy with your school report.”

I said, “Okay.”

She said, “I want more As.”

I replied, “OKAAAAAAAAAY.”

When I was a kid, my parents would always say, “Excuse my French” after a swear word.

I’ll never forget that first day at school when the teacher asked did we know any French.

Where do you learn to make ice cream?

Sunday school.

In high school some kids told me they’d give me $20 to hang out with them.

Turns out it was just clique bait.

Every year, hundreds of kids are shipped off to mime school …

Never to be heard from again.

I finally got an ‘A’ on my essay.

Only 1,999 more words to go.

It turns out my high school chemistry teacher was right.

Alcohol IS a solution.

A teacher asks her class what their favorite letter is.

A student puts his hand up and says, “G, miss”.

The teacher asks, “Why is that, Angus?”

Bill Gates teaches a kindergarten class to count to ten…

“1, 2, 3, 3.1, 95, 98, ME, 2000, XP, Vista, 7, 8, 10.”