Blind Train
What does a blind train drive on?
Braille road tracks.
Road Jokes
It’s time to hit the road to laughter with these hilarious road jokes and puns!
Musical Instruments
I was walking down the road this morning and first got hit by a violin, then a clarinet and then a piano.
I think it was an orchestrated attack.
Fancy Restaurant
I went out with my girlfriend to a fancy restaurant last night and she kept insisting on paying for the meal.
I said, “Don’t be stupid, we’re half way down the road now. Just keep running!”
Road Crossing Crab
Why did the crab cross the road?
It didn’t, it used the sidewalk.
The Road You Are On
Never blame someone else for the road you are on.
That is your own asphalt.
Turkey And Chicken
A turkey is about to cross the road.
Suddenly a chicken appears and says, “Don’t do it man, you’ll never hear the end of it!”
New Priest
There was an old priest who got sick of all the people in his parish who kept confessing to adultery.
One Sunday, in the pulpit, he said, “If I hear that word one more time, I’ll quit!”
Everyone liked him, so they came up with a code word. Someone who had committed adultery would say they had “fallen.” This seemed to satisfy the old priest and things went well, until the priest died at a ripe old age.
About a week after the new priest arrived, he visited the mayor of the town and seemed very concerned. The priest said, “You have to do something about the roads and sidewalks in town. When people come into the confessional, they keep talking about having fallen.”
The mayor started to laugh, realising that no one had told the new priest about the code word. Before the mayor could explain, the priest shook an accusing finger at the mayor and said, “I don’t know what you’re laughing about, your own wife fell three times this week already, and your daughter fell twice!”
Dad Joke Cross The Road
Why did the Dad joke cross the road?
To get to the other sigh.
Duck Eggs
I stopped by a roadside farm where I saw a sign that said “DUCK, EGGS”.
I was contemplating the position of the comma when it hit me.
Road Walker
Walking down the road last night, I passed an apple pie, an ice cream sundae, and a lemon cheesecake.
I thought to myself, “The streets are strangely desserted tonight.”
Damaged Laptop
The roads were so rough, it damaged my laptop.
It was a hard drive.
Cross The Road
Why did the medium cross the road?
To speak to the other side.
Toilet Paper
Why didn’t the toilet paper cross the road?
It got stuck in a crack.
Lobster Tails
Today I stopped at this roadside stand that said lobster tails $2.
So I paid my $2 and the guy said, “Once upon a time there was this lobster…”
Overcoming Addiction
I just got over my addiction to chocolate, marshmallows and nuts.
I won’t lie, it was a Rocky Road.
He Needs Help!
A psychiatrist finds a man lying by the road who has been robbed and beaten senseless.
The psychiatrist says, “My god, whoever did this needs help!”
Highway And Fridge
What do you get if you cross a highway with a fridge?
Killed.
Mountain Roads
Why don’t pirates drive on mountain roads?
‘Scurvy.
Red And Black Tarmac
A bit of red tarmac and a bit of black tarmac were sat quietly in the pub having a pint when this bit of green tarmac walks in, beats the living daylights out of the red bit of tarmac, and then storms off again.
The barman says to the bit of black tarmac, “What the heck was all that about?”
The bit of black tarmac replies, “You have to be careful not to upset that one. He’s a bit of a cyclepath…”
One For The Road
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, “Pint please…
…and one for the road.”
