That Didn’t Take Long!
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man’s apartment, the officer found the man’s bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
Police Jokes Archives
Police Record
I got pulled over by the cops and asked if I had a police record.
I said, “No, but I’ve got a Sting album.”
Makes Sense!
When cops arrest a clinically insane person…
Are they busting a nut?
Tongue Twister Champion
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion.
I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Jehovah’s Witness
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
It’s All Mine!
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.
Traffic Cop
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
Speeding Ticket
I got pulled over for speeding by a woman police officer.
I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.
Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”
Blonde Police Officers
Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree.
After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”
Judge Costume Party
A police officer accidentally arrested a judge who was dressed as a convict for a costume party.
He soon learned you should never book a judge by their cover.
Ryan Lochte
What did Ryan Lochte say after his team-mates told the police what really happened?
“I would have gotten away with it, if it wasn’t for you medalling kids.”
Stolen Credit Card
I went to the police and told them my credit card had been stolen six months earlier.
They asked my why I hadn’t reported it earlier.
I said, “Because the thief was spending less than my wife.”
So then they asked why I was reporting it now.
I said, “I think the thief’s wife has started using it.”
Doorbell
My top three assumptions when my doorbell rings:
1. It’s a murderer.
2. It’s the police come to tell me everyone is dead.
3. It’s that book I ordered about positive thinking.
Riot Police
Why do riot police like to get to work early?
To beat the crowd.
Front Lawn
I called the cops about a murder on my front lawn.
But they said they couldn’t do anything about crows and to stop calling them.
Missing Wife
My wife has been missing for a week and the police told me to prepare for the worst.
So I went to Goodwill and got all her clothes back.
Snail Attack
A turtle was walking down the street when he was attacked by a gang of snails.
When asked by the police what happened he said, “I don’t know, it all happened so quickly.”
Dogged Pursuit
There was a knock at my door earlier. When I opened the door a policeman was stood there.
“Mr Jones?”, he asked.
“Yes,” I replied.
“I’m afraid your dog’s just been reported to have chased someone on a bike.”
I said, “I don’t think so – my dog doesn’t have a bike.”
Upside Down
The other week the police arrived on the scene to find me upside down in my car.
They told me not to be so silly, and to sit properly.
Make Sure She’s Dead
A blonde and a redhead are walking in the woods one day when the redhead suddenly has a heart attack and falls to the ground.
Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone, calls the police and shouts, “Help! I think my friend is dead, what should I do?”
The policeman who answered the phone says, “Ok, calm down and listen to me. The first thing to do is to make sure that they really are dead….”
There’s a silence…
Then a loud gunshot…
Then the blonde comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”
