Police Trees
Someone cut down all the trees by the police station.
Authorities were left stumped.
Police Jokes
These hilarious police jokes and puns are just the ticket! Don’t worry, once you’ve had your fill of them, we’ll give it arrest!
Fashion Police
Did you hear about the man who was brought in by the fashion police?
They questioned him over his criminal ties.
Dog Arrest
The police just came and arrested my dog.
He had unpaid barking tickets.
iPad Thief
Great news! The police arrested the man who stole my iPad.
I hope he’s going to face time.
Trick Or Treaters
I’ve found that answering the door naked helps deter trick or treaters.
Oh here we go again, two dressed up as cops.
Helium Balloon Luggage
BREAKING NEWS! Airport police are concerned at the number of passengers smuggling helium filled balloons in their luggage.
Cases continue to rise.
Lecture
An elderly man is stopped by the police around 2 a.m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.
The man replies, “I am on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body, as well as smoking and staying out late.”
The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”
The man replies, “That would be my wife.”
Crime Scene Investigator
11:38 – Arrived at crime scene.
11:38 – Examined body. Signs of a struggle.
11:38 – Found murder weapon in drain.
11:38 – Realised watch was broken.
Police Appeal
A man was seriously injured today after being run over by a reversing car.
Police are appealing for the driver to come forward.
Coffee Cup Thief
Someone broke into my office and stole all the coffee cups.
I’ve got to go to the police station later to look at some mugshots.
Knitting Needle Attacker
Police are hunting a knitting needle attacker.
They think he’s following some sort of pattern.
Tarmac Thieves
Thieves who stole 3 ton of tarmac have been in hiding for 2 months now.
A police spokesman said, “We are hoping they will resurface soon.”
Police Station Fall
I hurt my knee slipping on ice in front of the police station.
I went inside to complain but they charged me with a fell-on-knee.
Tailgating
There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50!
And turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS!
Pulled Over
I got pulled over today and the cop asked if I knew why he pulled me over…
I replied, “Is it because you want to see how tall I am?”
He said, “Step out of the car, sir.”
See, I knew it…
Nightclub Faller
Police have confirmed that the man who fell from the 15th floor of the nightclub…
Was not a bouncer.
Police Related Puns
My wife begged me to stop making police related puns.
I said, “Okay, I’ll give it arrest.”
China Landslide
Three men were buried under a landslide in China.
They were inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still haf cell phone connection.
The first man made a phone call to the police:
“I’m a good citizen and husband, please come save us!”
The police told him they would come for them in 24 hours.
The second man made a phone call to the army:
“Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!”
The soldier told him they would come for them in 12 hours.
The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other two men couldn’t hear.
Within an hour, the men were dug out and rescued
A group of police officer walked up to the weary men:
“Alright, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?”
Wet Floor
An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she’s going to kill him.
The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again.
He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room.
She does as promised.
Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.
Then she calls 911 and tells them, “I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn’t listen and I shot him.”
Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife.
The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it’s a rather strange story so he drives to the house.
When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.
He asks, “Officers, why haven’t you gone inside and arrested the woman?”
They reply, “Sir we can’t go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet.”
Love Making
A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.
“Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a lady of the night before, but he decides what the heck.
They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them — it’s a policeman.
“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.
“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”
“Well,” said the man, “To tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”
Forgery
Policeman: You’re going to prison for forgery.
Me: *Slides him a $37 bill.* What about now?
Fallen Cop
Did you hear about the cop who fell and broke his radio?
He couldn’t get backup.
Lawyer Entitlement
A man in an interrogation room says, “I’m not saying a word without my lawyer present.”
One of the cops replies, “You are the lawyer.”
The lawyer says, “Exactly, so where’s my present?”
Posh Theater
A man lays sprawled across three entire seats at a posh theater.
Before the show has even started, an usher walks by and notices the man.
“Sir, you’re only allowed one seat, can you please sit up?”
The man groans, but remains seated.
The usher, becoming impatient with the man, says, “Sir, if you don’t get up, I will need to get my manager involved.”
Again the man just groans, which infuriates the usher so he marches off to get the manager.
In a few moments he returns with the manager and they both repeatedly attempt to move him, but with no success.
It’s at this point that the manager calls the police.
Moments later, a police officer arrives and approaches the man, “Alright buddy, what’s your name?”
“Sam,” the man moans.
“And where ya from Sam?”
With pain in his voice Sam replies, “The balcony.”
Daughter Arrested
The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.
But it was arson.
Jailed Drunk
A drunk wakes up in jail, “Why am I here officer?”
“For drinking.” replies the cop.
“Great” says the man. “When do we start?”
Giant Fly
A giant fly has attacked the local police.
Police have called in a SWAT team.
Mugshot Picture
After I was arrested, my ex-wife decided to hang a picture of my mugshot on the wall in her living room.
But she still won’t admit she framed me.
Backwards Origami
Breaking news: a man has just been arrested for completing an origami course backwards.
We will update you as the situation unfolds.
Two Crows
My roommate tried to keep two crows in our apartment as pets.
The police arrested him for attempted murder.
Armed Robber
A shop assistant tried stopping an armed robber by attacking him with a labeling gun.
Police are now looking for a man with a price on his head.
One Thousand Bees
News just in: Local police have acquired 1,000 bees.
They’re believed to be used as part of a sting operation.
Downloading Wikipedia
Officer: “I’m arresting you for downloading the entire Wikipedia.”
Man: “No wait! I can explain everything!”
Police Interview
I just said, “No comment” all the way through the police interview.
I didn’t get the job.
Undercover Cop
Yesterday I saw a police officer wearing a pilot’s uniform.
I thought it was a bit odd.
Then I realised he was one of those plane clothes cops.
Murder Weapon
Within minutes, the detective knew exactly what the murder weapon was.
It was a brief case.
Smoke Machines
A sketchy guy just came into my shop and bought six smoke machines, so I called the cops.
I think he must be a part of some extreme mist group.
Fencing
I’ve been bored recently so I’ve decided to take up fencing.
The neighbors said they’ll call the police if I don’t put it back.
Combine Harvester Thief
Police say that the man who fell into a combine harvester while trying to steal it…
Has been bailed.
Hot Wheels
Police attending an incident returned to their car to find all four wheels had been stolen.
Officers are working tyrelessly to find the culprit.
That Didn’t Take Long!
A man filed a report to the police that his bag was stolen.
Upon leaving the man’s apartment, the officer found the man’s bag at the bottom of the stairwell.
It was a brief case.
Police Record
I got pulled over by the cops and asked if I had a police record.
I said, “No, but I’ve got a Sting album.”
Makes Sense!
When cops arrest a clinically insane person…
Are they busting a nut?
Tongue Twister Champion
Police have arrested the world tongue-twister champion.
I imagine he’ll be given a tough sentence.
Jehovah’s Witness
My local drug dealer started dressing up as a Jehovah’s Witness so he wouldn’t arouse suspicion.
He got arrested after the police saw people actually letting him in.
It’s All Mine!
Cop: Whose car is this? Where are you headed? What do you do?
Miner: Mine.
Rock, Paper, Scissors
I got pulled over by a traffic cop. He walked up to my window and said, “Papers.”
I said, “Scissors, I win…” and I drove off.
He must be desperate for a re-match because he’s been chasing me for ages.
Speeding Ticket
I got pulled over for speeding by a woman police officer.
I almost talked my way out of it by telling her she looked stunning.
Then I messed up by saying, “And that’s not even the drink talking!”
Blonde Police Officers
Two blonde police officers crash their patrol car into a tree.
After a moment’s silence, the first blonde says to the other, “Wow, I think that’s the quickest we’ve ever got to the scene of an accident.”
Killer Clowns
I, for one, support these crazy killers dressing up like clowns.
It was a lot harder to see them coming when they were dressing like cops.
