Phone Jokes

I saw my wife using her phone to record herself getting her hair styled.

I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.

A Frenchman is staying at a hotel in New York. He phones reception and asks for some pepper. “Of course, would you like black pepper or white pepper?” the receptionist asks.

“No, I need toilet pepper,” the Frenchman replies.

I put my grandmother’s phone number on speed dial in my phone.

I call it Instagran.

Why did the iPhone go to the dentist?

He had a blue tooth.

Why couldn’t the pirate call his mom on Mother’s Day?

She left the phone off the hook.

I bumped into a beautiful woman while out today.

She asked for my phone number… then my insurance info.

I think my phone is broken.

I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.

“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

“Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?”

“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive.

“Well,” said Tim Cook, “That’s because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!”

“Then why are Android phones so much cheaper?” asked the journalist.

“Because,” said Tim Cook, “An Android replaces just one device. The iPhone.”

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

“Where are you?” she moaned.

“I’m at the pub,” I replied.

She said, “I think the baby’s coming!”

I said, “Well, he won’t get in. He’s underage.”

I’ve just deleted all the German names off my pre-owned iPhone.

It’s Hans free now.

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

“We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the head of the village. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cell phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day.

He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cell phone coverage anywhere in this village.”

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but…”

“Look at what kids your age make in China!”

Why do cell phones not wear glasses?

Because they have contacts.

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Every one of them I ask says 999-9999.

I hate autocorrect.

It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.

It’s still syncing.

You know Apple is run by men…

When they call it an iPhone 6+ and it’s only 5.5 inches.

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia. Next minute, Nokia.

I left my phone at home so I borrowed my friend’s to call my girlfriend.

She answered, “Hi, honey!”

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

I dropped my mobile phone from the 21st floor of a building yesterday.

Good thing it was in airplane mode.

How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.

It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.

If you like her, you just ignore your phone.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

A mummy phones a restaurant and asks to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakrakhotep I.

The woman at the restaurant says, “Could you spell it out, please?”

The mummy says, “Of course: bird, two triangles, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

I was walking through the park today when this girl came up to me and asked me if she could have my number.

I said, “Get lost! Get your own number!”

WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly. So I’ve downloaded something called “The Bugs Bunny” to fix it.

It’s a WhatsApp Doc.

My blonde girlfriend has three hours of video footage of raw chicken on her iPhone.

The cooking instructions said “Remove sleeve and film.”