Hair Highlights

I saw my wife using her phone to record herself getting her hair styled.

I think she’s planning to watch the highlights later.

Frenchman In New York

A Frenchman is staying at a hotel in New York. He phones reception and asks for some pepper. “Of course, would you like black pepper or white pepper?” the receptionist asks.

“No, I need toilet pepper,” the Frenchman replies.

Speed Dial

I put my grandmother’s phone number on speed dial in my phone.

I call it Instagran.

iPhone Dentist

Why did the iPhone go to the dentist?

He had a blue tooth.

Mother’s Day Call

Why couldn’t the pirate call his mom on Mother’s Day?

She left the phone off the hook.

Beautiful Woman

I bumped into a beautiful woman while out today.

She asked for my phone number… then my insurance info.

Human Vacuum Cleaner

My friend got taken to hospital because he’s convinced that he’s turned into a vacuum cleaner.

Just phoned to see how he is and they say he’s picking up.

New Phone

To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday…

Can you please stop calling my new phone?

Paleontologist Dating App

I’ve decided to launch a brand new dating app exclusively for paleontologists.

I’m going to call it ‘Carbon Dating’.

Hospital Call

A sweet old lady telephoned the hospital.

She timidly asked, “Is it possible to speak to someone who can tell me how a patient is doing?”

The operator said, “I can, what’s the name and room number?”

The old lady in her weak voice said, “Doreen Jacobs, Room 604.”

The operator replied, “Let me place you on hold while I check with her nurse.”

After a few minutes the operator returned to the phone and said, “Oh, I have good news, her nurse just told me that Doreen is doing very well. Her blood pressure is fine; her blood work just came back as normal and her physician, Dr. Ross, has scheduled her to be discharged on Tuesday.”

The old lady said, “Thank you. That’s wonderful! I was so worried! God bless you!”

The operator replied, “You’re more than welcome. Is Doreen your daughter?”

The grandmother said, “No, I’m Doreen Jacobs in room 604. No one tells me anything.”

Broken Phone

I think my phone is broken.

I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.

iPhone Song

I asked my friend Sam to sing a song about the iPhone.

And then Samsung.

Signalman Job

Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.

He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.

The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”

Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”

“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.

“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”

“What if that had been struck by lightning?”

“Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”

“What if the phone was busy?”

“Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”

“What if that was vandalized?”

“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”

This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”

Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”

Expensive iPhones

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive.

“Well,” said Tim Cook, “That’s because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!”

“Then why are Android phones so much cheaper?” asked the journalist.

“Because,” said Tim Cook, “An Android replaces just one device. The iPhone.”

Apple Engineers

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Baby’s Coming

My wife phoned me, panting and breathless.

“Where are you?” she moaned.

“I’m at the pub,” I replied.

She said, “I think the baby’s coming!”

I said, “Well, he won’t get in. He’s underage.”

China Landslide

Three men were buried under a landslide in China.

They were inside a car when it happened, and miraculously still haf cell phone connection.

The first man made a phone call to the police:

“I’m a good citizen and husband, please come save us!”

The police told him they would come for them in 24 hours.

The second man made a phone call to the army:

“Comrade, I served the country as you do, please get me out of here!”

The soldier told him they would come for them in 12 hours.

The final man made a phone call to someone, and made a whisper which the other two men couldn’t hear.

Within an hour, the men were dug out and rescued

A group of police officer walked up to the weary men:

“Alright, which one of you said Taiwan is a country?”

German Names

I’ve just deleted all the German names off my pre-owned iPhone.

It’s Hans free now.

Politician Visit

A politician visited a village and asked what their needs were.

“We have 2 basic needs, sir,” replied the head of the village. “Firstly, we have a hospital, but there’s no doctor.”

On hearing this, the politician whipped out his cell phone, and after speaking for a while he reassured the village leader that the doctor would be there the next day.

He then asked about the second problem.

“Secondly sir, there is no cell phone coverage anywhere in this village.”

Cat Directions

A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.

As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.

The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.

When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.

He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.

One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.

Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”

“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”

“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”

Lying Son

The school phoned me today and said, “Your son’s been telling lies.”

I said, “Tell him he’s very good. I don’t have a son.”

Phone Sneezer

Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.

I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.

Phone Builder

My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the “telephone” he had just made from a string and two tin cans.

I pulled out my iPhone and said, “That’s nice, but…”

“Look at what kids your age make in China!”

Mobile Phone Implant

My friend is so engrossed with technology he got a mobile phone implanted into his throat.

When his wife finds out she’s going to ring his neck.

German Girls

Why do German girls all have the same phone number?

Every one of them I ask says 999-9999.

Sundial

Son: “Hey Dad, how does a sundial work?”

Dad hands son a phone…

Dad: “Ok, now just call someone.”

Son: “Why can’t you do it?”

Dad: “Because that would be a daddial.”

Unintended Sayings

I hate autocorrect.

It always makes me say things I didn’t Nintendo.

iPhone

I threw an iPhone into a lake the other day.

It’s still syncing.

Elvis Tribute Act

I called to buy tickets for an Elvis tribute act.

It was an automated phone system which said, “Press 1 for the money, 2 for the show…”

Run By Men

You know Apple is run by men…

When they call it an iPhone 6+ and it’s only 5.5 inches.

Car Phone

I drove my car into a river and watched it turn into a mobile phone.

One minute, a Kia. Next minute, Nokia.

Airplane Mode

The sky was looking ominous so I asked Siri, “Surely it’s not going to rain again today?”

She replied, “Yes it is, and don’t call me Shirley.”

I guess I left my phone in Airplane mode again.

Sure To Fail

My friend rang me and asked me what I was doing.

I said, “Probably failing my driving test.”

Really Smart Girlfriend

I left my phone at home so I borrowed my friend’s to call my girlfriend.

She answered, “Hi, honey!”

What a smart girl! She knew I was the one on the phone!

Dropped My Phone

I dropped my mobile phone from the 21st floor of a building yesterday.

Good thing it was in airplane mode.

Milking Sheep

How do you milk sheep?

With iPhone accessories.

Blind Date

I had a blind date last night but before it I was worried what to do if she was really unattractive. My friend told me not to worry as there’s an app for just that situation.

It’s called “Mom Are You Ok” and it schedules your phone to ring just after you meet your date.

If you like her, you just ignore your phone.

If you want to cut short the date, you answer with, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

It works every time, no worries.

So anyway, I knocked on the girl’s door and it turns out I needn’t have worried at all. She was absolutely gorgeous and stunning!

But just when I was about to speak to her, her phone rang.

She answered it and said, “Mom? What’s the matter? Are you okay?”

Table Reservation

A mummy phones a restaurant and asks to reserve a table for the Pharaoh Sakrakhotep I.

The woman at the restaurant says, “Could you spell it out, please?”

The mummy says, “Of course: bird, two triangles, wavy line, bird again, jackal’s head, and a scarab.”

Fitness App

I entered what I ate today into my new fitness app on my phone.

It sent an ambulance to my house.

You Can’t Have My Number

I was walking through the park today when this girl came up to me and asked me if she could have my number.

I said, “Get lost! Get your own number!”

WhatsApp Problems

WhatsApp keeps crashing on my phone and won’t run properly. So I’ve downloaded something called “The Bugs Bunny” to fix it.

It’s a WhatsApp Doc.

Cooking Instructions

My blonde girlfriend has three hours of video footage of raw chicken on her iPhone.

The cooking instructions said “Remove sleeve and film.”

Believe In Life After Death

My boss at work said to me today, “Do you believe in the supernatural and life after death?”

“Yes, I think so,” I replied.

He said, “I thought you probably would. Yesterday after you left early to go to your grandmother’s funeral, she phoned up to talk to you…”

Make Sure She’s Dead

A blonde and a redhead are walking in the woods one day when the redhead suddenly has a heart attack and falls to the ground.

Shocked, the blonde takes out her phone, calls the police and shouts, “Help! I think my friend is dead, what should I do?”

The policeman who answered the phone says, “Ok, calm down and listen to me. The first thing to do is to make sure that they really are dead….”

There’s a silence…

Then a loud gunshot…

Then the blonde comes back on the phone and says, “Okay, now what?”

No Mobile Phone

“Are you serious – I can’t believe you’ve never had a mobile phone?” asked a girl I was chatting to in a nightclub.

“What if your parents died and someone needed to get hold of you?”

“Well that’s hardly likely to happen, they died 6 years ago!” I said angrily.

“Oh I’m so sorry, you still sound really hurt?” she replied.

I said, “Of course I am, I only heard about it 2 days ago.”