Shiny Doughnut
I thought the doughnut in the shop window looked really shiny …
Then I realised it was double glazing.
One Liners
These short, sharp one liners are straight to the point! If you like quick humor, you’ll love these jokes!
Joyce Clone
When my friend Joyce learned she could clone herself…
She rejoiced.
Bank Manager
My bank manager doesn’t give my business ideas the credit they deserve.
Empty Tester Bottle
I was in a shop the other day, and there was an empty tester bottle of perfume with a sign saying “out of odor”.
Christmas Palindrome
A Santa at NASA has won top spot at this year’s Christmas palindrome award.
College Fund
I had a college fund, but I spent it on a boat and called it my scholar ship.
Walk Like An Egyptian
I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.
New Wig
My balding friend bought a new wig before moving away, so I got him a comb as a parting gift.
Living With A Dog
Living with a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.
Dentist Recommendation
If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?
Headaches
When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from the children just like the bottle says.
Surprise Birthday Party
Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.
A Great Name For Diarrhea Medicine!
Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.
Bad Driver
I didn’t realize how bad of a driver I was until my sat nav said, “In 400 feet, do a slight right, stop, and let me out.”
Fat Mamma …
Yo Mamma so fat …
I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.
Bad Cook
My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.
The Irony…
Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?
Iceland And Ireland
Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?
Greek Mythology
My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.
Limited Vocabulary
Words cannot express…
How limited my vocabulary is.
Hospital Hygiene
The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene…
But that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.
Job Satisfaction
Inspecting mirrors…
Is a job I could really see myself doing.
Watching Too Much Netflix
I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch …
It’s started suggesting I go outside.
Tippex
If I’m not mistaken …
Tippex is pretty useless.
One For The Road
A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, “Pint please…
…and one for the road.”
