Funny One Liners - Short, Sharp Jokes!

College Fund

I had a college fund, but I spent it on a boat and called it my scholar ship.

Walk Like An Egyptian

I tried to walk like an Egyptian and now I need to see a Cairo practor.

New Wig

My balding friend bought a new wig before moving away, so I got him a comb as a parting gift.

Living With A Dog

Living with a dog is 90% following each other around, watching each other go potty, and wondering what the other has in their mouth.

Dentist Recommendation

If dentists make their money off people with bad teeth, why should I trust a toothpaste that 9 out of 10 dentists recommend?

Headaches

When I get a headache, I take two aspirin and keep away from the children just like the bottle says.

Surprise Birthday Party

Nothing embarrasses a psychic more than throwing them a surprise birthday party.

A Great Name For Diarrhea Medicine!

Gonorrhea would have been a great name for diarrhea medicine.

Fat Mamma …

Yo Mamma so fat …

I pictured her in my head and broke my neck.

Bad Cook

My wife’s such a bad cook she uses the smoke alarm as a timer.

The Irony…

Have you ever noticed the irony behind “hyphenated” and “non-hyphenated”?

Iceland And Ireland

Did you know that Iceland is only one sea away from Ireland?

It’s A Myth-tery!

My poor knowledge of Greek mythology has always been my Achilles elbow.

Limited Vocabulary

Words cannot express…

How limited my vocabulary is.

Hospital Hygiene

The best thing about alcohol hand gel in hospitals isn’t the hygiene…

But that everyone walks around like they’re hatching a dastardly plan.

Job Satisfaction

Inspecting mirrors…

Is a job I could really see myself doing.

Watching Too Much Netflix

I watch so much Netflix that rather than suggesting more shows for me to watch …

It’s started suggesting I go outside.

Tippex

If I’m not mistaken …

Tippex is pretty useless.

One For The Road

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says, “Pint please…

…and one for the road.”