Funny Old People Jokes That Age Beautifully!

Not Old

I’m not saying I’m old.

I’m just saying that my dinner time and my bed time are getting dangerously close to each other.

Old Man

My kid called me an old man this morning.

We both laughed and laughed.

Then I changed the WiFi password.

Fast Old Men

If slow old men use walking sticks, what do fast old men use?

Hurry canes.

Grandma’s Name

I asked my Grandpa, “After 65 years you still call Grandma darling, beautiful, and honey. What’s your secret?!

He said, “I forgot her name 5 years ago, I’m too scared to ask her.”

Bald Old Man

There was an old man who lived by a forest. As he grew older and older, he started losing his hair, until one day, on his deathbed, he was completely bald.

That day, he called his children to a meeting.

He said, “Look at my hair. It used to be so magnificent, but it’s completely gone now. My hair can’t be saved. But look outside at the forest. It’s such a lovely forest with so many trees, but sooner or later they’ll all be cut down and this forest will look as bald as my hair.”

“What I want you to do…” the man continued. “Is, every time a tree is cut down or dies, plant a new one in my memory. Tell your descendants to do the same. It shall be our family’s duty to keep this forest strong.”

So they did.

Each time the forest lost a tree, the children replanted one, and so did their children, and their children after them.

And for centuries, the forest remained as lush and pretty as it once was, all because of one man and his re-seeding heirline.

Senior Citizens

This morning at about 7:45, I was in a long line at a grocery store that opens at 8:00 for senior citizens only.

A young man came from the parking lot and tried to cut in at the front of the line, but an old lady beat him back into the parking lot with her cane.

He returned and tried to cut in again but an old man punched him in the gut, then kicked him to the ground and rolled him away.

As he approached the line for the third time he said, “Look, if you don’t let me unlock the door you’re never going to get in there!”

Stairlift

I’ve offered my elderly neighbor $20 to try out her stair lift.

I think she’s going to take me up on it.

Helping Granddad

My granddad asked me how to print on his computer.

I told him it’s Ctrl-P.

He said he hasn’t been able to do that for ages.

New Stairlift

I asked my grandmother how she’s enjoying her new stairlift.

She said, “It’s driving me up the wall.”

Cool Grandpa

This morning, my Grandpa walked into my room with a young bearded guy wearing skinny jeans.

I said, “Who is this guy?”

My Grandpa said, “My hip replacement.”

Doesn’t Need Glasses

My grandfather is 85 and he still doesn’t need glasses.

He drinks straight from the bottle.

Back In The Old Days

“Back in the day,” my grandfather started to say, “You could walk into a grocery store with $2 in your pocket, and walk out with a loaf of bread, a dozen eggs, and a bit of butter as well.”

“But today,” he continued, “Wherever you go, there are cameras.”

Old Lady Mugging

Last night I was walking down the street when I saw a guy trying to grab an old lady’s purse, so I ran over to help.

We got it off her eventually.

Silent But Deadly

This little old lady visits her doctor and says to him, “I have a problem with really bad gas, Doctor, but to be honest it really doesn’t bother me too much because my farts are always silent and never, ever smell. Actually, I must have farted at least fifteen times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t even realize I was farting because like I said my farts don’t smell and are completely silent.”

The doctor replies, “I see, hmm…. try taking one of these pills every night and come back and see me again next week.”

The next week the little old lady returns to the doctors and says, “Doctor, I don’t know what the heck those pills were that you gave me, but now my farts, although they are still silent, my God, they stink awful!”

The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.”