Nine Rackets
Why did the man decide to buy nine rackets?
Because tennis too many.
Number Jokes
These hilarious number jokes add up to a whole lot of fun and laughter! There’s nothing divisive about them at all!
Skip Lunch
Why did the two fours skip lunch?
Because they already eight.
Soccer Player
Playing soccer as a young boy, I would run around the pitch randomly shouting 66, 78, 93, 139, 267.
I was just there to make the numbers up.
Dinosaur Bones
While admiring some dinosaur bones in the Museum of Natural History, a tourist asks the guard, “How old are they?”
The guard replies, “They are 73 million, four years, and six months old.”
“That’s a rather exact number,” says the tourist. “How do you know their age so precisely?”
“Well,” answers the guard, “The dinosaur bones were seventy three million years old when I started working here, and that was four and a half years ago.”
Save The Planet
If we are to be serious about saving the planet, we should stop printing calendars.
They’re the reason our days are numbered.
School Bullies
What happens if the average number of bullies at a school goes up?
The mean increases.
Online IQ Test
I just scored a 170 on an online IQ test and only had to answer three simple questions:
1. My credit card number.
2. My social security number.
3. Upload a signed copy of my birth certificate.
Tree Poop
A kid asks his dad, “Do trees poop?”
The dad answers, “Where do you think number 2 pencils come from.”
Number 2
Pirate Leader: Men, I need to know how to say the number 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I captain.
Backpacker
A backpacker finds a tiny village tucked away in the mountains with one tiny pub.
He walks into the pub and there are all these old men just sitting around in silence.
So the backpacker orders a beer and finds himself a seat.
Suddenly one of the men shouts, “Number 4!” and the whole room erupts with laughter.
The backpacker is surprised by this but then the laughter dies down and he goes back to sipping his pint.
Then another one of them shouts, “Number 21!” and once again everybody has a good laugh.
The backpacker turns to someone and asks what’s going on.
“Ah you see we’re a bit isolated out here”, the man says. “We all know each other’s jokes so well we decided to give them all a number to save time when we want to tell them.”
The backpacker gets a mischievous look on his face. He stands up and shouts, “Number 1001!”
It was like an earthquake had hit. The whole room reverberated with the men’s voices, some of them slapping their thighs and almost falling off their chairs.
As the laughter died down some of them were pressing their hands to their chests, just to make sure they weren’t having a heart attack.
The backpacker turns to the man next to him and says, “So is that one of the good ones?”
The man says, “Oh no, it’s just that we’d never heard that one before.”
Poor Vision
My new girlfriend told me she can’t see too well without her glasses.
I asked her what numbers she can see.
Even Numbers
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.
What are the odds?
Feeling Numb
English puns make me feel numb.
But math puns make me feel number.
Retired Boxer
A retired boxer goes to see his doctor because he’s having trouble sleeping.
“Have you tried counting sheep?” the doctor asks.
“I tried,” the boxer explains, “but every time I get to the number nine I stand up.”
Number Fight
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
German Girls
Why do German girls all have the same phone number?
Every one of them I ask says 999-9999.
Idiot Number
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Only A Number
I hate it when people say age is only a number.
Age is clearly a word.
Most Puns
While most puns make me feel numb…
Math puns make me feel number.
Hungry Number
What did 20 do when he was hungry?
28.
That’s Not Going To Work!
When my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scales, sucking in my stomach, she laughed, “Ha! That’s not going to help!”
“Sure, it does.” I said. “It’s the only way I can see the numbers.”
32nd Birthday
My wife is turning 32 soon.
I’ve told her not to get her hopes up for her birthday. “After all,” I said, “The celebrations are only going to last half a minute.”
“What are you talking about?” she asked.
I said, “It’s your thirty-second birthday.”
Favorite Jokes
Poop jokes may not be my favorite type of joke.
But they’re a solid number two.
Chernobyl Nuclear Radiation
I can count on one hand the number of times I’ve been to Chernobyl.
It’s seven.
Number Fight
19 and 20 had a fight.
21.
Beautiful Girlfriend
Words can’t describe how beautiful my girlfriend is.
But numbers can… 2/10.
Numbers Murder
4, 6 and 8 and 9 have all been murdered.
2, 3, 5, and 7 are the prime suspects.
The Root Of All Evil
If the number 666 is considered evil…
Is 25.8069758 the root of all evil?
Frightening Statistic
The number of people saying “Boo!” to their friends has risen by 85% over the last year.
That’s a frightening statistic.
Weak Willed
Last night a hypnotist convinced me I was a soft, malleable metal with an atomic number of 82.
I’m easily lead.
Memories
I walked down a street today where the houses were numbered 64K, 128K, 256K, 512K and 1MB.
That was a trip down memory lane.
