Tractor Movie

A friend asked me if I had seen the film “Tractor”.

“No,” I replied, “But I’ve seen the trailer.”

Cheap Parking

I agreed to drive my wife downtown to see a movie because she said parking would be cheap.

But the parking was a lot.

Movie Choice

Yesterday, a beautiful girl asked me if I wanted to watch a movie.

She said, “What movie would you like to see?”

I said, “You pick.”

She said, “You pick.”

I said, “I don’t care. You pick.”

She said, “Sir, there are people waiting behind you waiting to buy tickets.”

Film Pause

Earlier this evening I paused a film to make a cup of tea.

I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.

Pirated Movie

I pirated a movie last night.

Gave it 3.14 stars.

Flashdance

My cat always gets excited when I put the movie “Flashdance” on.

What a feline!

Oppenheimer Line

I got in line to watch Oppenheimer around lunchtime, but I realized it was three hours long and I was starving.

So I went to the Barbie queue instead.

Strange Movie

I watched a movie last night where Patrick Swayze teaches a girl how to type on a keyboard.

QWERTY Dancing.

10 Hour Movie

Netflix: Do you want to watch a 10 hour movie?

Me: No way! Are you insane?

Netflix: How about I break up the movie into ten 1-hour episodes and you see them all in one sitting?

Me: I am in!

Spider-Man Movie

I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home.

He said, “But son, it’s the same film if you watch it here.”

Grey Hair

Why does Daniel Craig have grey hair in the latest Bond movie?

Because he has no time to dye.

Composer Movie

Stallone: I’m making a movie about classical composers. I’ll be Chopin.

Van Damme: I’ll be Mozart.

Schwarzenegger: Stop it guys, I’m not saying it.

Clam Chowder Recipe Joke

The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival’s restaurant.

The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival’s famous clam chowder.

The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn’t turn out the same so the owner sends him back.

The second day, the son comes home having watched the rival chef prepare the chowder. They try again to make it, and it’s close, but the consistency is off, it’s too watery. They try to figure out what they’re doing wrong, and the son realizes that he was distracted for a minute while the chef did something.

“He must have added a secret ingredient, one not on the list, while you looked away!” concludes the owner. He sends his son back for a third day, this time telling him not to take his eyes off the chef for a second.

The son comes back the next day excited.

“You’ll never believe what I saw!” he says. “He did have a secret ingredient, it’s a piece of paper!”

“A piece of paper?”

“Yeah, he keeps a stack of printed paper in the kitchen. It’s a bunch of Wikipedia articles he’s printed out, of various movies. When he makes the chowder, he tears out the synopsis of a movie from one of the articles and puts it in. It’s the strangest thing, but that’s the secret ingredient.”

“Ah,” says the owner, “The plot thickens.”

Movie Director

The movie Speed didn’t have a director.

Because if Speed had direction, it would have been called Velocity.

Miley Cyrus

I heard Miley Cyrus is in the new Silence of the Lambs reboot.

She plays Hannibal Montannibal.

Movie Rating

What kind of movies are rated 3.14 stars?

Pirated movies.

Plane Documentary

I’m making a new documentary on how to fly a plane.

We’re currently filming the pilot.

Movie Plot Idea

I had an idea for a movie plot where a retired CIA agent searches for his kidnapped daughter in Paris, but it turns out that idea was taken.

I had another idea for one where the same agent is kidnapped with his wife in Istanbul, but it turns out that one was taken too.

Bad Movie

I don’t know why everyone is saying Cats (the movie) was bad.

They played it on my flight home and there were only two walkouts.

15 Actors

What has 15 actors, four settings, two writers, and one plot?

632 Hallmark movies.

Strange Date

I was on a date with this really beautiful girl.

Well, it wasn’t a date, date. We just ate dinner and saw a movie.

Then the plane landed.

Cinema Food

If I had a dollar for every time a customer complained about the price of cinema food…

I could almost afford a small popcorn.

Cannibal Date

I told my friend a cannibal took my sister to see a Russell Crowe movie.

He asked, “Gladiator?”

I said, “No, I really miss her.”

Bohemian Rhapsody

I’ve just downloaded the Queen movie, Bohemian Rhapsody.

I think it was filmed in a cinema though, as I see a little silhouetto of a man.

Two Mice

Two mice are chewing on a film roll.

The first one says, “I liked the book better.”

Not What I Expected

I watched the movie Scarface last night.

It’s quite a misleading title; I mean, the guy knew nothing about scarfs.

He Did Warn Them

My grandfather warned people that the Titanic would sink.

No one listened, but he kept on warning them nonetheless until they got sick of him and kicked him out the movie theater.

Harry Potter Fan But …

I liked the Harry Potter books and movies but…

I just feel like the character Nearly Headless Nick was a bit poorly executed.

Favorite Movie

Without a doubt, my favorite Robin Williams move is Mrs. Fire.

Holding My Breath

When people go underwater in movies, I like to hold my breath to see if I would’ve survived in that situation.

I almost died during Finding Nemo.

Russian Website

Russia has started a new website that tracks down and deletes pirated movies.

Nyetflix.

Watch It!

Why is everyone obsessed with that new horror movie?

Like, I was driving today and this is the third time someone has rolled down their window and yelled to me, “Hey! Watch It!”

Not Another Dinner Date

My girlfriend and I went on our 9th date to see the new Batman film.

Our dates can be summarized as follows: Dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, dinner, BATMAN!

Pirate Movie

How to pirate any movie you like:

Rate it 3.14.

Rated R

Why was the jazz movie rated R?

Too much sax and violins.

Samsung CEO

What’s the Samsung CEO’s favorite movie?

Total Recall.

Horror Movies

If you ever feel lonely…

Just dim the lights and watch a couple of horror movies. After a while, you won’t feel like you’re alone anymore.

The Oscars

Why did Leonardo Di Caprio laugh at the Oscars joke?

Because he finally got it.

Star Wars In 3D

My friend asked me if the Star Wars movies are 3D.

I said, “Yes, but they R2D2.”

Star Wars Movies

Why did the Star Wars movies come out in the sequence 4, 5, 6, 1, 2, 3?

Because in charge of sequence, Yoda was.

Human Torch

Guess who I just saw at the gas station – that human torch guy from the Fantastic Four films.

I tried to get his autograph but he just kept rolling around on the floor screaming.

No Animals Were Injured

You know how the credits at the end of movies always say something like “No animals were injured in the making of this film”? Well what if they were?

Do they list it in the credits?

Brian hurt one monkey. He is very sorry.

Tough Choice

My wife just rang me.

She said, “The two kids want you to take them bowling on Saturday, then afterwards they want you to take them to the cinema.”

“It’s either one or the other,” I said, “otherwise it’s too expensive.”

“Okay,” she replied. “Which one do you prefer?”

I said, “David.”