Doctor Diagnosis
The doctor said the bad news is that my organs are all shutting down since I’ve only been eating dried, salted meats.
But the good news is that I’m cured.
Meat Jokes
We hope these hilarious meat jokes meet your expectations, because there’s a lot at steak here!
Vegan Dislike
I’ve never understood why people dislike vegans so much.
I’ve never had any beef with them.
True Story
I just saw a film where someone sprayed meat juices all over a non-fiction book.
It’s baste on a true story.
Can Of Spam
I went on an online video call and a picture of a can of spam appeared on my screen.
I think it was a zoom meat tin.
McDonald’s Burger
McDonald’s are now incorporating meat from endangered species into their burgers.
Just had a quarter panda.
Sandwich Fillings Degree
I’ve just finished my degree in sandwich fillings.
I do my final eggs ham tomorrow.
Napoleon Chicken
I went to a restaurant last night and they had “Napoleon Chicken” on the menu.
I asked the waiter what it was and he said, “There’s no meat – only the bony part.”
Steak Portraits
I saw a man that used different cuts of steak to create portraits of people.
It was a rare medium, but well done.
Casino Restaurant
I used to visit a casino, until I found out their top floor restaurant served beef.
That meant the steaks were just too high for me.
Overcooked Ribeye
My wife was angry when I accidentally overcooked the ribeye tonight.
I told her everybody makes misteaks.
Happy Vegetarians
Why are vegetarians happier?
They don’t have beef with anyone.
Steak Preference
Waiter: “How do you like your steak, sir?”
Me: “Like winning an argument with my wife.”
Waiter: “Rare it is!”
Cow And Whale
What do you call a cross between a cow and a whale?
Beef whaleington.
Sandwich Buyer
I said to the woman at the deli, “I’d like to buy a ham and cheese baguette with pickles.”
She said, “Sorry, we only take cash or card.”
Hamburger Hair
How do hamburgers wear their hair?
In a bun.
Bacon Tree
Two cowboys are lost in the desert and are on the point of starvation.
One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon.
“A bacon tree! We’re saved!” He says.
He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Darth Vader Steaks
How does Darth Vader like his steaks?
Well, done done done, done da done, done da done.
Odd Beef
What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?
Prime rib.
Smoking Cows
Why should you be worried if you see cows smoking marijuana?
Because that’s when the steaks are highest.
Pig In Black
Why would a pig dressed in black never get bullied?
Because Batman has sworn to protect goth ham.
Elvis Steak House
I’ve just opened an Elvis Presley themed steak house…
It’s aimed at people who love meat tender.
Airplane Meal
I’m on a plane and the lunch choices are white meat chicken or German sausage. Unfortunately, I’m seated in the last row.
I’m hoping for the breast, but preparing for the wurst.
Chicken Broth
Where can you buy chicken broth in bulk?
The stock market.
McDonald’s
McDonald’s tried to create a beef version of the McRib, but failed.
Hopefully, they’ve learned from their McSteaks.
You Are What You Eat…
They say you are what you eat…
Today I bought some ready to eat chicken and sure enough, I was ready to eat chicken.
Exotic Food
A new restaurant has opened in my town, serving the meat of exotic animals.
I just had the pelican.
It was delicious but the bill was enormous.
Just The Way I Like It
I cooked a medium rare steak for my friend and he said, “I like it well done.”
I said, “Thanks. That means a lot.”
Raw Steak
I asked the waiter if the restaurant served steak raw.
He said, “Yeah but it’s rare.”
Vegan Versus Meat Eater
A vegan said to me people who sell meat are disgusting.
I said people who sell fruit and vegetables are grocer.
Buy Some Meat
I told my friend people keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them.
He said, “By mistake?”
I said, “Oh come on, not you as well!”
Nice Ham
That’s a nice ham you’ve got there.
It’d be a shame if someone put an ‘s’ at the front, and an ‘e’ at the end.
Cheapest Meat
What’s the cheapest meat you can buy?
Deer testicles – they’re under a buck.
Chicken Salad
I made a chicken salad today.
The ungrateful so-and-so didn’t even eat it.
Poor Meatballs
Where do poor meatballs live?
In the spaghetto.
Low Fat Diet
I went to see the doctor today and he said to me, “Don’t eat anything fatty.”
I said, “What – no bacon or sausages or burgers or anything?”
He said, “No fatty, just don’t eat anything.”
Password Strength
My computer said I had to change my password.
I entered “beefstew”.
My computer said “Sorry password not stroganoff.”
Cooking Instructions
My blonde girlfriend has three hours of video footage of raw chicken on her iPhone.
The cooking instructions said “Remove sleeve and film.”
High Stakes
A man walks into a bar and orders a drink. Then he notices there are pieces of meat nailed to the ceiling of the bar so he asks the barman what they are for. The barman replies, “If you can jump up and pull one of them down you get free beer all night. If you fail, you have to pay the bar $100. Do you want to have a go?”
The man thinks about it for a minute before saying, “Nah, the steaks are too high!”
