Prefer Math
People often ask me why I prefer to teach math instead of English.
I tell them it’s because fractions speak louder than verbs.
Math Jokes
These funny math jokes and puns certainly differentiate themselves from others! They won’t cause any division among you!
Math Glasses
Pro tip: Always wear glasses when doing math.
It helps with division.
Roman Numerals Return
Who is in favor of bringing Roman numerals back into use?
I for one.
Pirated Movie
I pirated a movie last night.
Gave it 3.14 stars.
Broken Calculator Thief
Someone stole my broken calculator, but I don’t know why.
It just doesn’t add up.
Improper Fraction Helpdesk
Improper Fraction Helpdesk.
Now open 24/7.
Bus Mathematicians
How do 37 mathematicians board a bus with only 36 seats?
They carry the one.
Pie Circumference
When measuring the circumference of a pie, using one pie is not enough.
But 2πr.
2-Sided Figure
A 5-sided figure is a pentagon, and a 6-sided figure is a hexagon. What shall we call a 2-sided figure?
Let’s just let bigons be bigons.
Math Pun Maker
I don’t like math puns.
But I will make one if I half two.
German Math
I asked my German friend if he knew the square root of 81…
He said no!
Hand-me-down Calculator
Growing up we didn’t have a lot of money.
I had to use a hand-me-down calculator with no multiplication symbol on it.
Times were hard.
Three Words
I went for a job interview and the interviewer asked me to state my biggest weakness in three words.
“Not very good at math,” I replied.
Mathematician Girlfriend
I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.
She was still obsessed with her x.
Please Stop!
My girlfriend keeps telling me to stop making math puns.
She thinks they’re irrational.
Dog Math
I asked my dog what’s two minus two.
He said nothing.
Medieval King
A medieval king was hunting in Africa. He killed a lion, an elephant, and a hippopotamus, and awarded the skins to his three squires back home in his kingdom. Thus, the three squires became known as the Lion Squire, the Elephant Squire, and the Hippo Squire.
As the years passed, the Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire became very jealous of the Hippo Squire because they wanted the hippo skin too. So, they hatched a plan to assassinate the Hippo Squire and divide the hippo skin between them equally.
Now the Lion Squire had eight sons, and the Elephant Squire had ten sons, but the Hippo Squire was childless. The Lion Squire and the Elephant Squire sent there eighteen sons to kill the Hippo Squire, but the Hippo Squire drew his sword and single-handedly slaughtered all eighteen of them.
And thus, it was proven once and for all that the squire of the hippopotamus is equal to the sons of the squires of the other two hides.
Scared Yoda
Why was Yoda afraid of 7?
Because 6, 7, 8.
Bacteria Math
Why are bacteria so bad at math?
Because they multiply by dividing.
Fast Calculator
What do you call a calculator that works instantly?
A calcunow.
Even Numbers
I somehow managed to make it through high school math while only being able to remember even numbers.
What are the odds?
Odd Beef
What beef only comes in 2, 3, 5, 7, or 11 ounce portions?
Prime rib.
Calculator Buttons
When people think of calculators they think the buttons are the most important thing.
But it’s what’s inside that counts.
Failed Math Exam
I failed my calculus exam because I was seated between two identical twins.
It was hard to differentiate between them.
Feeling Numb
English puns make me feel numb.
But math puns make me feel number.
Calculus
You know the problem with calculus jokes?
They’re all too derivative.
Subtraction
Take 4 and subtract 2 from it. What’s left?
The opposite of right.
Math Teacher
I’ve decided to become a math teacher, but I’m only going to teach subtraction.
I just want to make a difference.
Number Fight
I challenged the number 1 to a fight, but he brought his friends 3, 5, 7, and 9.
The odds were against me.
Idiot Number
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
Simplifying Fractions
I just realized my wife left me because of my obsession with simplifying fractions.
Oh well, hindsight is 1.
Most Puns
While most puns make me feel numb…
Math puns make me feel number.
Best Years Of Your Life
Nothing’s better than being 2, 3, 5, 7, 11, 13, 17, 19, 23, 29, 31, 37, 41, 43, 47, 53, 59, 61, 67, 71, 73, 79, 83, 89, or 97 years old.
Those are the years you’re in your prime.
Clever Hen
I’ve got a hen who can count her own eggs.
She’s a mathamachicken.
Long Snake
What do you call a snake that is 3.14 meters long?
A pi-thon.
Hungry Number
What did 20 do when he was hungry?
28.
Bad At Math
I heard 8/10 Americans are bad at math.
Glad to know I’m in the other 2%.
Romans & Algebra
Why didn’t the Romans find algebra very hard?
Because X was always 10.
Common Sense Math
Mathematics is 90% common sense.
The other half is intelligence.
True Love
A mathematician couldn’t remember if he had been with his girlfriend for 1 year or 2.
But he knew it was <3.
