Mime Job
I lost my job as a mime.
It must have been something I said.
Lost Jokes
Look what we’ve found! This hilarious collection of lost jokes! Enjoy finding your way around them!
Sleeping Mask
I’ve lost my sleeping mask.
I’m not going to rest until I find it.
Shoe Factory
Did you hear about the shoe factory that burned down?
So many lost soles.
Sat Nav Lover
I love my sat nav.
I’d be lost without it.
Political Talk
If you’re lost in the woods, start talking loudly about politics.
Someone will come to argue with you.
U2 Tribute Band
A friend of mine was in a great U2 tribute band.
Then they lost their Edge.
Musical Differences
My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.
He was always giving rave reviews.
Volume Control Knob
I lost the volume control knob for my radio about a month ago.
It hasn’t turned up since.
Film Pause
Earlier this evening I paused a film to make a cup of tea.
I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.
Waving At Me
Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.
In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.
Freak Accident
My friend Gary lost all his hair in a freak accident at the biscuit factory.
Garibaldi.
Lost Underwear
I couldn’t find my underwear this morning.
I looked around and found them after a brief search.
Lost Dictionary
I said to my wife, “I’ve lost the dictionary.”
She said, “Have you looked upstairs?”
I said, “I can’t look up anything!”
Memory Loss
Having regained consciousness after a car accident, the doctor is trying to convince me that I am actually a Swedish guy and I have lost my memory.
Does he think I was Bjorn yesterday?
Tracking Spending
If I had a nickel for every time I lost track of my spending …
I’d be like, “Where did all my nickels go?”
New Phone
To whoever lost an iPhone 14 Pro Max outside the train station yesterday…
Can you please stop calling my new phone?
Lost Three Fingers
I lost three fingers on my right hand, so I asked my doctor if I would still be able to write with it.
He said, “Maybe, but I wouldn’t count on it.”
Weight Loss Diet
I’ve lost a lot of weight just by wearing bread on my head.
It’s a new loaf hat diet I’m trying.
Lost Car
My friend lost his car.
I call him Carlos now.
Lost Rifle
When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $600.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
Lost Lego Set
I lost my whole Lord of The Rings Lego set.
Now I’m Legoless.
Bacon Tree
Two cowboys are lost in the desert and are on the point of starvation.
One cowboy sees a tree that’s draped in bacon.
“A bacon tree! We’re saved!” He says.
He runs to the tree and is shot up with bullets.
It wasn’t a bacon tree, it was a ham bush.
Cat Directions
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.
He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.
One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”
“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”
Origami Workshop
I misplaced Dwayne Johnson’s cutting tool for the origami workshop.
I can’t believe I lost the Rock’s Paper Scissors.
Lost His Magic
What do you call a magician who has lost their magic?
Ian.
Blacksmith Interview
I went for an interview at a blacksmith’s yesterday.
The blacksmith asked me, “Are you any good at shoeing horses?”
I said, “No, but I once told a donkey to get lost.”
Money Find
I came out of the supermarket this morning and there was a woman crying her eyes out. She’d lost all her holiday money.
I felt so sorry for her I gave her $50.
I don’t usually do that kind of thing but luckily I’d just found $5,000 in the carpark.
Lost Couch
I just lost 20% of my couch.
Ouch.
Weight Gain Competition
I recently entered a competition to see who had gained the most weight and lost the most hair.
Obviously, it wasn’t called that.
It was advertised as a ‘School Reunion.’
Big Mistake
My dad lost his job at the cemetery yesterday.
He buried someone in the wrong plot.
It was a grave mistake.
Lost Superpowers
Why did Thor lose his lightning powers?
Because his father grounded him.
Uninteresting Relationship
My girlfriend borrowed $100 from me.
When we separated 3 years later, she returned exactly $100.
I lost interest in that relationship.
Anger Management
I received a flier on anger management the other day.
I lost it.
Wrong Vocation
As I get older and I remember all the people I’ve lost along the way…
I think to myself, maybe a career as a tour guide wasn’t for me.
Lost An Electron
An atom lost an electron.
It said, “Man, I really ought to keep an ion them.”
Gave Up Seat
I gave up my seat on the bus for a blind person.
And that’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Lost Wallet
To the guy that found my empty wallet …
I don’t know how to repay you.
Botox For Beauty Pageants
The mother who injected her 8 year-old child with Botox for beauty pageants has lost custody.
Her daughter didn’t look surprised.
Risk Assessment
I got sacked from my job as restaurant manager today after one of my staff lost three fingers in an electric food mixer.
Apparently I failed to do a proper whisk assessment.
Sued The Airport
I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.
I lost my case.
