Light Jokes Archives

This went on for years and years, until one day suddenly there was a blinding flash of light as the heavens open, God steps in front of him and slaps him across his face!

“At least buy a ticket, man!!!”

Tailgating

There is no reason to tailgate me while I am doing 75 in a 50!

And turn off those flashing blue lights on your car. They look RIDICULOUS!

Daylight Saving Time

I heard they voted to remove daylight saving time.

I won’t lose any sleep over it.

Expensive iPhones

A journalist asked Tim Cook why iPhones are so expensive.

“Well,” said Tim Cook, “That’s because the iPhone replaces a whole bunch of devices. A phone, a camera, a watch, a music player, a video player, a PDA, a voice recorder, a GPS navigator, a flashlight, a calculator, a portable gaming console, and many other things. Surely, a high price is worth paying to replace so many devices!”

“Then why are Android phones so much cheaper?” asked the journalist.

“Because,” said Tim Cook, “An Android replaces just one device. The iPhone.”

Narcissist Light Bulb

How many narcissists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None. They use gaslighting.

Apple Engineers

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Love Making

A man’s walking home late at night when he sees a woman in the shadows.

“Twenty bucks,” she says. He’s never been with a lady of the night before, but he decides what the heck.

They are going at it for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them — it’s a policeman.

“What’s going on here?” asks the officer.

“I’m making love to my wife,” the man answers indignantly.

“Oh, I’m sorry,” says the cop. “I didn’t know.”

“Well,” said the man, “To tell the truth neither did I until you flashed that light on her face.”

Not A Heavy House

What type of house weighs less than all others?

A lighthouse.

Rainbow Weight

How much does a rainbow weigh?

Not much, they’re actually pretty light.

Not Heavy

Why was the lamp not heavy?

Because it’s light.

Scared Joker

Why did The Joker have to sleep with his lights on?

Because he was afraid of the Dark Knight.

Sword Weight

My sword doesn’t weigh much.

It’s my light saber.

Dark Mode

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

Because light attracts bugs.

How Many Brexiteers?

How many Brexiteers does it take to change a light bulb?

One to promise a brighter future and the rest to screw it up.

Mystery Writers

How many mystery writers does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Two. One to screw it in most of the way, and the other to give it a surprise twist at the end.

Christmas Lights & Co-Workers

My co-workers are like my Christmas lights…

Half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t that bright.

They Appear Bright

Light travels faster than sound.

That’s why some people appear bright until they talk.

Faster Than Light

If light travels faster than the speed of sound…

How come I can hear the guy in the BMW behind me honk before the light turns green?

In The Dark

I came home from work yesterday to find someone had stolen all my lamps.

I was delighted.

You Know You Want To!

I have a bumper sticker that says, “Honk if you think I’m sexy”…

When I’m feeling down, I just sit at green lights until I feel good about myself.

Let There Be Light!

In the beginning there was nothing. God said, “Let there be light.”

There was still nothing, but now you could see it.

Not Heavy

What’s blue and not very heavy?

Light blue.

Conspiracy Theorists

How many conspiracy theorists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

We may never know the truth.

Pointless Job

If you ever feel like your job is pointless, just remember…

There is someone who is currently installing turn signal lights at BMW.

Abraham Lincoln

When I complained about doing homework, my Dad said to me, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he walked 9 miles to school and did homework by candlelight.”

I said, “When Abraham Lincoln was your age, he was President.”