Musical Utensil
One of my kitchen utensils seems to be playing classical music.
I think it’s the Chopin board.
Kitchen Jokes
We hope you enjoy these hilarious kitchen jokes that we’ve cooked up for you! Just be careful not to strain yourself laughing!
Favorite Utensil
What’s a cat’s favorite kitchen utensil?
A whisker.
Cabinet Installer
My cabinet installer was arrested last week.
He was charged with counter fitting.
Herb Dislike
My girlfriend is leaving me because she can’t stand the herbs I have been using in the kitchen.
Bae leaves.
Outspoken
Husband: “Scientists have found that men say about 10,000 words a day, while women say about 20,000…”
Wife (shouts from the kitchen): “It’s because we have to repeat everything twice to you blockheads!”
Husband: “What?”
Kitchen Redesign
I can’t stand my wife’s ideas for our kitchen redesign.
And I’m not convinced by her counterarguments.
Wet Floor
An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she’s going to kill him.
The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again.
He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room.
She does as promised.
Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.
Then she calls 911 and tells them, “I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn’t listen and I shot him.”
Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife.
The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it’s a rather strange story so he drives to the house.
When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.
He asks, “Officers, why haven’t you gone inside and arrested the woman?”
They reply, “Sir we can’t go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet.”
Clam Chowder Recipe Joke
The owner of a seafood restaurant sends one of his sons undercover to his rival’s restaurant.
The owner tells him to get a job as a cook, and figure out the recipe for his rival’s famous clam chowder.
The first day, the son comes home with a basic list of ingredients that the rival uses. They try making it, but it doesn’t turn out the same so the owner sends him back.
The second day, the son comes home having watched the rival chef prepare the chowder. They try again to make it, and it’s close, but the consistency is off, it’s too watery. They try to figure out what they’re doing wrong, and the son realizes that he was distracted for a minute while the chef did something.
“He must have added a secret ingredient, one not on the list, while you looked away!” concludes the owner. He sends his son back for a third day, this time telling him not to take his eyes off the chef for a second.
The son comes back the next day excited.
“You’ll never believe what I saw!” he says. “He did have a secret ingredient, it’s a piece of paper!”
“A piece of paper?”
“Yeah, he keeps a stack of printed paper in the kitchen. It’s a bunch of Wikipedia articles he’s printed out, of various movies. When he makes the chowder, he tears out the synopsis of a movie from one of the articles and puts it in. It’s the strangest thing, but that’s the secret ingredient.”
“Ah,” says the owner, “The plot thickens.”
Cockroaches
Yesterday my wife thought she saw a cockroach in the kitchen, so she sprayed everything down and cleaned thoroughly.
Today I’m putting a cockroach in the bathroom.
Kitchen Sink
This girl had been out for the evening and met this guy who she brought back to her house, where they were kissing and cuddling downstairs.
Because her parents were asleep in bed upstairs, she told the guy they had to be quiet and when he told her that he was desperate to use the toilet, she didn’t want to send him upstairs and run the risk of him waking her parents up. So she told him he should just use the kitchen sink instead.
A few minutes later he popped his head around the door.
She whispered as quietly as she could to him, “Have you finished?”
“Yeah,” he whispered back, “Have you got any toilet paper?”
