Delivery Man
I started a new job as a delivery man today. When I got to my first address there was a sticky note on the door saying, “Dear Mr delivery man, we’re out, please hide in garage.”
That was eight hours ago and still nobody’s found me.
Job Jokes
We’ve been hard at work gathering these hilarious job jokes together just for you!
Lanw Maintenance Job
I got fired from my lawn maintenance job.
Guess I just wasn’t cutting it.
Hotel Receptionist
At first I was excited about my new job as a hotel receptionist.
Then I started to get reservations.
Dairy Farm
I’m in search for someone to assist with milking cows on my dairy farm.
Must work well with udders.
Mime Job
I lost my job as a mime.
It must have been something I said.
Chocolate Bank
The person who handled customer transactions at the Chocolate Bank quit his job.
So the bank hired a Nutella.
Dress Alteration Company
I got fired from my job at the dress alteration company.
Apparently I didn’t turn up enough.
Buffalo Payroll
I work in payroll for the Buffalo football team.
It’s not the most fulfilling job, but hey it pays the Bills.
Ice Cream Factory
I got fired from my new job at the ice cream factory.
I refused to work on Sundaes.
Communication Skills
I got fired from my job because they said my communication skills were lacking.
I honestly don’t know what to say.
Periscope Maker
Got a new job making periscopes.
Things are looking up.
Bowling Company
I told a friend that I had a new job as CEO of a bowling company.
“Ten pin?”
“No, permanent”.
Chiropodist Job
My friend got a new job as a chiropodist and found the first day really difficult.
I guess he was still finding his feet.
Musical Differences
My friend lost his job as a journalist at a classic rock magazine through musical differences.
He was always giving rave reviews.
Film Pause
Earlier this evening I paused a film to make a cup of tea.
I’ve now lost my job at the cinema.
New Pharmacy Job
I was starting my new job at the pharmacy this morning when a guy walked in.
“I’ve got a blocked nose, a sore throat and my head feels like it’s going to explode,” he said, “Have you got anything?”
I said, “No, I feel fine.”
Broth Factory
I took a job at a broth factory.
The salary is low but at least there are stock options.
Waving At Me
Yesterday I couldn’t make out if someone was waving at me, or the person behind me.
In other news, I just lost my job as a lifeguard.
Chess Factory
I’ve got a new job at the chess factory.
I’m on knights next week.
Leaves Collector
I used to have a job collecting leaves.
I was raking it in.
Construction Site Job
I went for a job interview on a construction site mixing sand, gravel and cement.
I think I got the job but nothing’s concrete yet.
Test Marker
I was fired from my job as a test marker.
I don’t know why; I always gave 100%.
Job Quitter
My friend just quit his job at BMW.
He gave no indication he was leaving.
Repairing Ladders
My friend got a job repairing ladders.
He’s working his way to the top.
Cuckoo Clock
I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.
It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.
Job Seeker
If you’re in need of a job, you could try Search and Rescue.
They’re always looking for people.
Chemical Factory
I’m quitting my job at the chemical factory.
It’s a toxic workplace.
Executioner Job
I took a job as an executioner, but it’s been tough.
I’m really struggling to get ahead.
Digging Tunnels
I thought my new job digging tunnels would be exciting.
Turns out it’s boring.
Programmer Quit
Why did the programmer quit his job?
Because he didn’t get arrays.
Farm Job
I got a job at a farm but I resigned because they didn’t have horses.
I wanted something more stable.
Salad Packing Factory
I’ve just applied for a job in a salad packing factory.
The hours are terrible, but the celery is good.
Ruined Career
It’s official. My career is in ruins.
I just got a job as an archaeologist.
Signalman Job
Billy Bob wanted a job as a signalman on the railways.
He was told to meet the inspector at the signal box.
The inspector asked, “What would you do if you realized that two trains were heading for each other on the same track?”
Billy Bob replied, “I would switch the points for one of the trains.”
“What if the lever broke?” asked the inspector.
“Then I’d dash down out of the signal box,” said Billy Bob, “and I’d use the manual lever over there.”
“What if that had been struck by lightning?”
“Then,” Billy Bob continued, “I’d run back into the signal box and phone the next signal box.”
“What if the phone was busy?”
“Well in that case,” persevered Billy Bob, “I’d rush down out of the box and use the public emergency phone at the level crossing up there.”
“What if that was vandalized?”
“Oh, well then I’d run into town and go get my Uncle Lester.”
This puzzled the inspector, so he asked, “Why would you do that?”
Billy Bob answered, “Well, Uncle Lester ain’t never seen a train wreck!”
Marketing Job
My buddy just got a job in marketing with Kellogg’s cereals.
I guess you could say his job is Raisin Bran awareness.
Pizza Hut Lobster
Did you hear about the lobster that got a job at Pizza Hut?
He works in the crust station.
Podium Salesman
I’m proud of my job as a podium salesman.
It’s a product I can stand behind.
Wine Taster
The wine taster at an old vineyard died and his old job was advertised.
A homeless guy, looking ragged and dirty, came to apply.
He persuaded the reluctant manager to give him a try.
The guy was given a glass of wine. He swirled, smelled, sipped and spit.
“It’s a red wine, Merlot, three years old, grown on the South Slope and matured in oak barrels,” he said.
“Impressive,” said the manager.
The man was then given another.
“Still a red wine, Cabernet, eight years old, from the Northeast slope, stored in a steel vats.”
The manager was amazed. He winked at his secretary. The secretary understood and brought out a glass of urine.
The drunkard tasted it and said, “It’s a blonde, 27 years old, three months pregnant, and if I don’t get this job, I’ll tell who the father is!”
Scuba Instructor
I quit my job as a scuba diving instructor after giving my first lesson.
Deep down, I realized it wasn’t for me.
Treadmill Tester
I had to pack in my job testing treadmills recently.
I was really disillusioned…
And just felt I wasn’t going anywhere.
