House Jokes

Never wear headphones while vacuuming.

I just finished the whole house and realized I forgot to plug it in.

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet; the house is full of stuff.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

My wife said she’d leave me unless I stopped making photography puns.

I said, “Snap out of it, don’t be so negative. Let’s see how things develop!”

Her face was a picture! She was out of the house in a flash …

I’m looking to buy an old lighthouse.

Nothing flashy.

I moved into a bungalow recently.

I was going to move into a house, but that’s another storey!

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.

I may have a poultrygeist.

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss!

She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

Later, that day …

“That was fun,” says the brunette.

“We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

I’m really tired of people complaining about the price of everything.

$2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking…

I’m just going to stop inviting them to my house.

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

When I was a single man, I had loads of free time.

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman, how did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to examine her. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. I knew that was what probably was making her sick.”

The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She just didn’t have the energy she once had and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.”

What did the carpenter say when he finished building his house?

Nailed it.

What type of house weighs less than all others?

A lighthouse.

Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.

It’ll be Trial by Fire.

I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.

Now, I’m living in a flat.

I hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house.

He did every other thing on the list.

I got hired to paint someone’s home.

I charged for the labor but not the paint.

The homeowner asked me, “Why didn’t you charge for the paint?”

I said, “Don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.

He refused.

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing – it’s on the house.

The world’s largest bounce house is now touring the US. At 10,000 square feet it’s large enough to live in.

The rent is pretty expensive but that’s mostly due to inflation.

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

I’ve just opened an Elvis Presley themed steak house…

It’s aimed at people who love meat tender.

What did the mouse use to build his house?

Cottage cheese.

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.