Tropical Fruit Diet

My wife is on a tropical fruit diet; the house is full of stuff.

It’s enough to make a mango crazy.

Photography Puns

My wife said she’d leave me unless I stopped making photography puns.

I said, “Snap out of it, don’t be so negative. Let’s see how things develop!”

Her face was a picture! She was out of the house in a flash …

Underfloor Heating

My friends got a new house, and I paid for them to get underfloor heating.

It was a house warming gift.

Old Lighthouse

I’m looking to buy an old lighthouse.

Nothing flashy.

Door Handle

This morning I met a man carrying a door handle.

I asked him why he had it.

He said, “It gets me out of the house.”

House Move

I moved into a bungalow recently.

I was going to move into a house, but that’s another storey!

Secret Owl

I informed my family that someone in the house was secretly an owl in disguise and our oldest daughter asked, “Who?”

Honestly, never suspected her.

Cuckoo Clock

I just got a job as a cuckoo in a cuckoo clock.

It’s not the best job in the world, but it gets me out of the house.

Haircut Wait

A guy stuck his head into a barbershop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, “About 2 hours.” The guy left.

A few days later, the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around at the shop and said, “About 3 hours.” The guy left.

A week later, the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, “How long before I can get a haircut?”

The barber looked around the shop and said, “About an hour and a half.” The guy left.

The barber turned to his friend and said, “Hey, Bob, do me a favor, follow him and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but he never comes back.”

A little while later, Bob returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, “So, where does he go when he leaves?”

Bob looked up, wiped the tears from his eyes and said, “Your house!”

Chicken Ghost

I think my house is haunted by the ghost of a chicken.

I may have a poultrygeist.

Early Finish

A blonde, a brunette, and a redhead all work at the same office for a female boss who always goes home early.

“Hey, girls,” says the brunette, “let’s go home early tomorrow. She’ll never know.”

So the next day, they all leave right after the boss does.

The brunette gets some extra gardening done, the redhead goes to a bar, and the blonde goes home to find her husband in bed with the female boss!

She quietly sneaks out of the house and returns at her normal time.

Later, that day …

“That was fun,” says the brunette.

“We should do it again sometime.”

“No way,” says the blonde. “I almost got caught.”

Price Complaints

I’m really tired of people complaining about the price of everything.

$2 for coffee, $3 for coat check, $4 for an hour of parking…

I’m just going to stop inviting them to my house.

Fruit Thief

I can’t believe someone broke into my house and stole all of my fruit.

I am peachless.

Single Man

When I was a single man, I had loads of free time.

Now that I listen to albums, I hardly ever leave the house.

Apple Engineers

How many Apple engineers does it take to change a lightbulb?

None. They no longer make that socket, you just buy a new house.

Wet Floor

An old woman tells her husband that if he walks across the kitchen floor after she mops again she’s going to kill him.

The next time she mops the kitchen floor he does it again.

He gets the kitchen floor dirty and tracks water into the living room.

She does as promised.

Without saying a word she goes to their bedroom, gets his pistol out of the closet, and shoots him dead in his recliner.

Then she calls 911 and tells them, “I told my husband that if he walks through the kitchen after I mopped then I would kill him. He didn’t listen and I shot him.”

Emergency dispatch immediately sends an ambulance for the husband and a squad car for the wife.

The chief of police hears about the call shortly afterwards, thinks it’s a rather strange story so he drives to the house.

When he gets there his officers are still waiting outside.

He asks, “Officers, why haven’t you gone inside and arrested the woman?”

They reply, “Sir we can’t go in now. The kitchen floor is still wet.”

Young Doctor

A young doctor had moved to a small town to replace a doctor who was retiring.

The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor.

At the first house a woman complains, “I’ve been a little sick to my stomach.”

The older doctor says, “Well, you’ve probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you’ve been eating and see if that does the trick?”

As they left, the younger man said, “You didn’t even examine that woman, how did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?”

“I didn’t have to examine her. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? Well, when I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin. I knew that was what probably was making her sick.”

The younger doctor said, “Pretty clever. If you don’t mind, I think I’ll try that at the next house.”

Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman.

She just didn’t have the energy she once had and said, “I’m feeling terribly run down lately.”

“You’ve probably been doing too much for the Church,” the younger doctor told her. “Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.”

As they left, the elder doctor said, “I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she’s very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?”

“I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed.”

Old Fridge

A guy bought a new fridge for his house.

To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, “Free to good home — you want it you take it.”

For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.

He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, “Fridge for sale, $50.”

The next day, someone stole it.

House Builder

What did the carpenter say when he finished building his house?

Nailed it.

Subtle Hints

It’s my wife’s birthday next week and she’s been leaving jewelry catalogs all over our house.

So I got her a magazine rack.

BBQ Restaurant

Despite zero experience, I’m opening a BBQ restaurant next to the courthouse.

It’ll be Trial by Fire.

Red Laser Dot

A burglar broke into our house last night.

I didn’t shoot him.

I just put the red laser dot on his forehead.

Our three cats did the rest.

Houseboat

I used to live on a houseboat, and started seeing the girl next door.

Eventually we drifted apart.

Inflatable House

My inflatable house got a puncture last night.

Now, I’m living in a flat.

Handyman

I hired a handyman to do some odd jobs around the house.

He did every other thing on the list.

Sales Guy

A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.

The sales guy asks, “Is your dad home?”

The kid replies, “What do you think?”

Tired Dog

An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.

I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.

He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.

This continued for several weeks.

Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”

The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”

House Painter

I got hired to paint someone’s home.

I charged for the labor but not the paint.

The homeowner asked me, “Why didn’t you charge for the paint?”

I said, “Don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”

Daughter Arrested

The police arrested my daughter claiming she had burnt our house down.

But it was arson.

House-Warming Party

When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.

Now I’m homeless.

More Chores

My wife: You need to do more chores around the house.

Me: Can we change the subject?

My wife: Ok. More chores around the house need to be done by you.

Weird Nightmare

After being holed up in the house due to Covid-19, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.

Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.

Electrical Issue

I asked an electrician to fix an electrical issue at my house.

He refused.

Chimney Cost

How much does a chimney cost?

Nothing – it’s on the house.

After Match Party

After my son’s team won the soccer game, the goalkeeper invited us to his house for a party.

It was the father, the son, and the goalie host.

Largest Bounce House

The world’s largest bounce house is now touring the US. At 10,000 square feet it’s large enough to live in.

The rent is pretty expensive but that’s mostly due to inflation.

News Anchor

My wife is threatening to kick me out of the house because of my obsession with acting like a news anchor.

More on this after the break.

Elvis Steak House

I’ve just opened an Elvis Presley themed steak house…

It’s aimed at people who love meat tender.

Mouse House

What did the mouse use to build his house?

Cottage cheese.

Time Difference

It’s a five minute walk from my house to the pub.

It’s a 35 minute walk from the pub to my house.

The difference is staggering.

New House

I was showing my friend my new house.

“So this is my house,” I said.

He said, “What’s upstairs?”

I said, “Stairs don’t talk.”

Untruthful Friend

My friend called me and said, “An evil wizard turned me into a tiny harp! I don’t know what to do!”

I drove all the way to his house just to find out he’s just a big lyre.

Looking For Money

A thief broke into my house last night looking for money.

So I got out of bed to look with him.

Haunted Housemates

My housemates are convinced our house is haunted.

I’ve lived here for 274 years and not noticed anything strange.

Christmas Songs

My wife said she was kicking me out of the house if I didn’t stop singing Christmas songs.

I said, “But baby, it’s cold outside.”

Limbo Stick

Someone broke into my house and stole my limbo stick.

How low can you go?

Eskimo House

How does an Eskimo build his house?

Igloos it together.

Free Chimney

I’m giving away my chimney for free.

It’s on the house.

Bad Impression

My wife has kicked me out of the house because of my bad Arnold Schwarzenegger impressions.

But don’t worry…

I’ll return.