Postcard Museum
Went to the postcard museum the other week.
Nothing to write home about.
Home Jokes
There’s no place like home and there’s no jokes like these hilarious home jokes so make yourself at home and enjoy them!
Tropical Fish
Keeping tropical fish at home can have a calming effect on the brain…
Due to all the indoor fins.
Cloning Lab
Friend: Can I set up a cloning lab in your basement?
Me: Sure, make yourself at home.
Home Insurance Coverage
So I just checked my home insurance policy and apparently if my blanket is stolen in the middle of the night, I won’t be covered.
Crying Baby
When I came home from work, my wife said “Ugh, the baby has been crying for hours. Can you take over?”
I said, “Sure” and started crying for hours.
Free Glove Puppets
Free to a good home – two glove puppets.
No cash wanted, I just want to get them off my hands.
Missed Flight
I was driving to the airport to catch my flight when I saw a sign that said: “Airport Left”.
So I turned around and went home.
Broken Phone
I think my phone is broken.
I pressed the home button and I’m still at work.
Cheating Wife
I found out my wife is cheating on me today.
When I asked when she’d be home she said, “10-15 minutes max.”
My name is Stephen.
eBay Kids
Got home from work today to find my kids have been on eBay all day.
If they’re still there tomorrow I’ll lower the price.
New Apartment
I visited my new friend in his apartment.
He told me to make myself at home.
So I threw him out. I hate visitors.
Understanding Cat
This morning I saw my neighbor talking to her cat.
It was obvious the poor women thought the cat understood her.
When I got home I told my dog… we laughed a lot.
Extra Asparagus
I bought 10 asparagus at the store but when I got home I realized I had 11.
It was just a spare, I guess.
Spider-Man Movie
I told my dad I want to see Spider-Man: Far From Home.
He said, “But son, it’s the same film if you watch it here.”
Old Fridge
A guy bought a new fridge for his house.
To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a sign on it saying, “Free to good home — you want it you take it.”
For three days, the fridge sat there without even one person looking twice at it.
He eventually decided that people were rather skeptical about such a good deal, so he changed the sign to read, “Fridge for sale, $50.”
The next day, someone stole it.
Voodoo Doll
I went to the acupuncturist the other day.
When I got home my voodoo doll was dead.
No More Kids
I just got a vasectomy.
I was looking forward to not having any more kids…
But when I got home, they were still there.
Sales Guy
A sales guy rings the doorbell on a house, and the door is opened by a 12 year old, holding a glass of cognac and smoking a cigar.
The sales guy asks, “Is your dad home?”
The kid replies, “What do you think?”
Suzie Loves Me!
Bill pulled up a stool at his favorite bar and announced, “My wife Suzie must love me more than any woman has ever loved any man!”
The bartender inquired, “What makes you say that?”
Bill beamed with pride, “Last week, I had to take a couple of sick days from work…”
“Suzie was so thrilled to have me around, that every time a mail or delivery person came by, she’d run down the driveway waving her arms hollering, ‘My husband’s home! My husband’s home!’”
Tired Dog
An old, tired-looking dog wandered into the yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home.
He followed me into the house, down the hall, and fell asleep on the couch.
An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.
The next day he was back, resumed his position on the couch and slept for an hour.
This continued for several weeks.
Curious, I pinned a note to his collar: “Every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.”
The next day he arrived with a different note pinned to his collar: “He lives in a home with four children – he’s trying to catch up on his sleep. Can I come with him tomorrow?”
Coming Home Now
My wife stormed into the bar last night as me and the boys were downing shots of tequila.
“You’re coming home now!” she screamed.
“No, I’m not,” I laughed.
She said, “I’m talking to the kids.”
Cat Directions
A man absolutely hated his wife’s cat and decided to get rid of him one day by driving him 20 blocks from his home and leaving him at the park.
As he was getting home, the cat was walking up the driveway.
The next day he decided to drive the cat 40 blocks away. He put the beast out and headed home.
When he reached his driveway, there was the cat.
He kept taking the cat further and further but the cat would always beat him home.
One day he decided to drive hundreds of miles away. He drove out of town, through the desert and into the next state until he reached what he thought was a safe distance from his home. He let the cat out and headed back.
Hours later the man calls home to his wife: “Jen, is the cat there?”
“Yes,” the wife answers. “Why do you ask?”
“Put him on the phone,” the man replies. “I’m lost and need directions.”
Dog Days
Everyday when I come home from work I ask my dog how his day was.
He always says the same thing.
Rough.
House Painter
I got hired to paint someone’s home.
I charged for the labor but not the paint.
The homeowner asked me, “Why didn’t you charge for the paint?”
I said, “Don’t worry about the paint. It’s on the house.”
Coconut Shampoo
I bought coconut shampoo today, but when I got home, I realized…
I don’t even have a coconut.
House-Warming Party
When I moved into my new igloo my friends threw me a surprise house-warming party.
Now I’m homeless.
Weird Nightmare
After being holed up in the house due to Covid-19, my wife has started having this weird nightmare that our house is made of celery.
Doctors are calling it stalk home syndrome.
Childhood Home
Today I decided to go visit my childhood home.
I asked the residents if I could come inside because I was feeling nostalgic, but they refused and slammed the door in my face.
My parents are the worst.
Dog’s Dinner
My wife rang me at the pub and said, “If you’re not home in 10 minutes, I’m giving the dinner I cooked you to the dog.”
I was home in 5 minutes.
I’d hate for anything to happen to the dog.
Interesting Chess
I play chess regularly with my friend, but last time he suddenly said, “Let’s make this interesting.”
So we stopped and went home.
Home Delivery
Social distancing has led to Hooters offering delivery to your door.
They’re changing their name to Knockers.
Strange Burglar
I’ve just seen a burglar kicking his own door in.
I asked, “What are you doing?”
He said, “Working from home.”
Good Day
My boss told me to have a good day.
So I went home.
Crowbar
Did you know that before the crowbar was invented…
Most crows drank at home.
Stolen Gate
I came home to find two guys stealing my gate.
I didn’t want to say anything in case they took a fence.
Furniture Arrangement
I thought I won the argument with my wife as to how to arrange the dining room furniture.
But when I got home the tables were turned.
Sentient Water Basin
In a recent poll, 80% of people in America said they would not open their homes to a sentient water basin that walked up to their door and asked for shelter.
Let that sink in.
Stay Home
My wife asked if I was going to yoga with her.
I said, “Namaste home today.”
Working From Home
Working at home sucks…
If you’re a firefighter.
No Place Like Home!
I served Eggs Benedict on a hubcap…
Because there’s no plate like chrome for the hollandaise.
